A couple saw the negative affects of manipulation when they were buying life-insurance. Despite a great sales pitch, a salesman was unable to convince the couple to purchase his policy. “I absolutely don’t want to pressure you into a decision,” he proclaimed while walking towards the door. “Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you’ve decided.”

As this couple found out, being manipulated is not a helpful way to make a wise decision. Likewise, when your mate pressures you during an important choice, it can cause major conflict.

The Art of Marital Negotiation

One of the most helpful methods my wife, Erin, and I use as we negotiate major decisions is called a “Pro and Con” list. Erin and I used this while in the middle of an argument concerning my schooling.

During my doctoral studies, I had to take a statistics class. Trouble began when during the first meeting, the professor recited a list of formulas that we should know. My stomach sickened when nothing he said sounded remotely familiar. I rushed home and informed Erin that I was dropping the class! Unfortunately, Erin didn’t agree and a major argument erupted.

The “negotiation” might have lasted longer except our two-year old daughter, Taylor, interceded. “That’s enough guys!” she yelled, and walloped me on the backside with a wooden spoon. The shock of being reprimanded by a two-year old caused us to double over with laughter. Once the tense moment ended, Erin and I were able to use the “pro and con” list to make a wise decision regarding my class.

First, after dividing a piece of paper into a “pro” and “con” side, we started brainstorming why dropping the class would be a poor decision. We repeated the same process for the pro side–listing any reason why dropping the class would be a good choice. It’s important when brainstorming to keep from evaluating the reasons until you’ve recorded every idea.

Our next step was to evaluate each “pro” and “con” and tease out the more relevant or important ones. Finally, when all the important factors were highlighted, we discussed what seemed like the best decision. Although I wasn’t thrilled, the wise choice was to remain in the class.

Regardless of whether I passed or failed the class (Amazingly, I ended up with an “A”), the main issue was that we agreed that our decision was the best choice. If a choice is not obvious or agreed upon, then continue listing additional pros and cons. You might need to take a break or show the list to a neutral third party for advice. Remember King Solomon’s encouragement, “…But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” (Proverbs 12:15).

Using the pro and con list allowed Erin and I to stay in harmony through a major disagreement. As you and your spouse negotiate important decisions, I encourage you to use a method to help keep the peace.

I am my own scientific study of one. Over the years, I have studied research comparing the biological brain patterns in preschoolers and how they translate into the gender differences. Through our work with thousands of couples at the Smalley Relationship Center, we have learned the best practices for working with crisis couples. I have personally interviewed over sixty thousand women to discover what leads to deep and lasting intimacy. Now at it for more than forty years, I am convinced that my own personal scientific study has impacted me the most. My entire ministry has been built on making mistakes in my marriage and family, repairing the relationships, and passing on what I have learned. I have even been accused of messing up on purpose so I would have something to write about. Ha! I wish I were nearing perfection to the point I had to fake mistakes. Wouldn’t that be something?

Alive for seventy years, I have observed a lot. Moses says we get seventy years, eighty if we’re strong, but I’m pushing for ninety. Married for forty-five of those years, I have now observed four generations within my own family. First I observed my parents and how they raised me. My second observation included everything Norma and I did with our children, most of which was opposite of my parents. My third observation could possibly be my favorite: my kids’ correcting everything Norma and I did wrong with them. It hurts sometimes, but it is hilarious more often than not. They have also picked and passed along our good habits. And my last observation (which is in its very early stages) is of my grandkids and how they are experiencing life reacting to their moms and dads. Lord knows, I love being the patriarch.

Every generation has unique characteristics. I have been particularly interested in the differences of each generation when it comes to marriage and parenting. The parents of today view the world and their role in it entirely differently than Norma and I. It hasn’t been that long, but I don’t remember ever having guilt as part of our parenting style. Sure there were times when I returned home from a speaking trip and felt guilty for being away. Or the times when I corrected or disciplined the kids only to learn that I was the one who was wrong. Guilt was rare. We did the best we could with the skills we had. Looking back, there are many, many things I would do differently. That’s the beauty of hindsight. But for the most part, I have few regrets.

Not so with today’s parents. They live for each and every moment as though they are going to miss something. Birthday parties seem more extravagant than ever. Disney is an annual goal, rather than a lifetime achievement. Kids get their own rooms; heaven forbid they share one. They have their first car at three, albeit a Barbie Jeep or John Deere Gator. Every day is a special day at school. Wear something green day. Funky hair day. Silly socks day. Awards assembly day. Pajama party day. You get the gist. When I was a kid, we were lucky to get an annual field trip to the library. Oh no! Did I just give the “When I was a kid” line? Am I coming across like a grumpy old man? I promise I’m not grumpy. But this is fun. Let’s keep going.

Parents today are rushing their kids from karate to dance while doing homework in the car and grabbing a bite at a drive-through. We sign our kids up for everything special. Forget about making costumes for Halloween; Target and Walmart have the latest and greatest in Hannah Montana and superhero attire. “Seize the day” has turned into “soak up everything out there, and squeeze every last drop of life out of the day.” We give all of our time and energy to the kids and very little to the marriage. Every hour a parent is not working or sleeping is given with a big bow on top to the kids. To not do so makes you a bad parent.

My young friend Jon Jenkins in Branson put it best when he said, “Gary, my dad loved me very much. I have never questioned that. He worked hard, and I don’t ever remember him coming home and spending hours playing with me and my brother. At best we would get a quick game of catch or a pickup basketball game, but then he was on to mow the lawn, change the oil in the car, grill dinner for Mom, or fix little things around the house. When he moved on to household chores, I don’t ever remember feeling like he didn’t love me. Why do I feel so guilty if I need to get something done around the house? Heather believes that we need to spend way more time with our kids than our parents could or would spend with us.”

A gorgeous white gown with a shimmery, ethereal veil. A sparkling diamond ring. Breathtaking floral arrangements, and the man of your dreams standing at the front of a church altar in a tuxedo, beaming with adoration and unable to take his eyes off you as you float toward him down the aisle. Sigh. This is the dream most American women have of their longed-awaited wedding day. In remarriage, it’s not often the reality.

As a remarried wife, you may have had the dream wedding the first time, but the marriage quickly became a nightmare. Or you may have given up the wedding dream to marry a man who already had an elaborate wedding to someone else. Your remarriage wedding ceremony was most likely done quickly and economically, without huge crowds and tons of fanfare. Even if you had a fancy ceremony and reception, you may have caught yourself wondering if it was as good as your spouse’s “other” wedding. Or the day might have had a damper on it because kids or stepkids were not allowed by former spouses to attend. It may have been tense because relatives or friends weren’t fully approving of the new union, or worries and fear might have surfaced in you that this marriage could end up one day just like your former one. (We actually know of one remarried husband who jokingly sent a condolence card into the dressing room of his bride-to-be on their wedding day. Yes, she still married him.)

No matter what your wedding day looked like, the picture painted in the first sentences of this chapter capture what the heart of a wife longs for: love and romance. To be more specific, most wives desire unconditional love, and they want to be romanced long after the dating days and “I Do’s” are done. It’s perfectly natural for a wife to desire to be loved and cherished. In fact, God wired women this way. But unconditional love and romance can be a tall order in remarriage, when wives, husbands and kids get caught in the loyalty triangle and former spouses come between you and your husband. The heart of a remarried wife can quickly get bruised or broken in the conflict and chaos that accompany remarriage.

Love, Remarriage Style: What Unconditional Love Looks Like

If you read the last chapter, “The Heart of a Remarried Husband” (And we hope you did. If you skipped it, go back and read it before you go on to Chapter Nine. It will give you valuable insight into the heart of the man you married.), then you know that God designed men to need unconditional respect. He also commanded wives to give it to them (Ephesians 5:33). In the same verse, God orders men to love their wives like they love their own bodies. The reason He commanded this was twofold: 1) Men don’t naturally express love very easily and 2) Women need love as much as they need oxygen or, for many women, chocolate!

A wife with an open heart knows and believes she is adored. She knows she is special in the eyes of someone who loves her no matter what her mood. She feels like she comes first, placed in her husband’s esteem above his work, the children, and especially his former wife. She believes that she is physically attractive and that her husband desires her body. When a husband loves his wife the way God calls him to do in Ephesians 5:33, a wife’s heart will have a much easier time staying open. But the remarried wife can’t depend on her husband to do all her heart work.

No human can love perfectly, including your husband. Whether your husband falls on the short end of the measuring stick when it comes to outward shows of affection and romantic gestures or is the kind of guy who still brings you flowers regularly, plans date nights and continues to croon loves songs in your ear (hopefully on-key), he can’t give you enough love to fulfill you.

The heart of a remarried wife requires proper tending, not only by her husband, but also by herself. That’s right. Remember our advice in the beginning of this book about tending your own heart? The wife has heart repairs of her own to make in order to get rid of all the clogs that might keep her from overflowing God’s love to her husband and family.

When you feel like you haven’t received a token of love lately, don’t always depend on your husband to act and feel disappointed when he doesn’t. Instead, give yourself a boost. Schedule a spa day, lunch with a good friend at a favorite restaurant, or indulge in a special treat. Consider it a kiss on the cheek from your Creator.

In order to have a fully open heart as a wife, you have to let God’s love fill and heal you. Your husband cannot fill up your love tank completely. He will never be able to make you feel pretty enough, show that he desires you enough, or tell you he loves you enough to fill the void that must be filled with a personal relationship with Christ. Your mate can never love you enough to bolster your self-esteem or make you believe you are a unique, beautiful woman created to live out a divine purpose. That kind of heart filling only comes from God.

Your husband can’t heal the heart hurts that have been inflicted over the years by adolescent classmates, former boyfriends or spouses, and the “mean girls” you’ve encountered. Only God’s love can erase the damage done by Satan, who has whispered in your ear for years that you aren’t worth anything, and that you will never be good enough, attractive enough, smart enough or talented enough to amount to much.

To experience true unconditional love, you must put time and energy into your relationship with Christ. He has to become your best friend, your comforter, the one from whom you derive your identity, your passion and your purpose. Then and only then can you believe the words of love that come from your husband and receive the gestures of love your spouse offers. Your husband is not—and never will be—your soul mate. (Sorry to burst your bubble once again.) Only God, who created your soul to long for Him, is your true soul mate. That’s why He calls His followers His “bride.”

The remarried wife who learns to love herself and her family by first loving God takes the pressure off of herself (for never feeling “good enough”) and her husband (for never giving her enough). She will feel loved and will be able to be more loving.

According to 1 Corinthians 13, real love is a tall order for us humans. Like we’ve noted before, it is patient and kind. It is not jealous, rude or self-serving. It is slow to become angry, does not delight in evil and doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. Phew! Have you ever loved or known love like that? We haven’t. Yet that is the standard God sets of what “real love” looks like. It isn’t when eyes meet across a crowded room or when a leg “pops” up during a kiss. It isn’t even a happy ending. True love sticks around when things aren’t great, when they aren’t easy, when it seems easier to quit than do the hard work to go on, and when others are not loving you in return.

Examine your bookshelf and DVD collection. Look at the romance novels and romantic comedy films and get rid of any that make you feel restless or breed discontent in you about your remarriage. Novels, in particular, can give you a warped sense of what romantic love entails.

When you connect with Christ and allow Him to speak healing into your heart, then you can finally know unconditional love. And you can overflow some of that love to your husband and family. The heart of a remarried wife is uniquely created. You are beautiful, cherished, and adored. Don’t believe the lies of Satan anymore. You have a special call on your life that only you can fulfill. Think of it this way: Out of all the women in the world, God chose you to be the wife of this particular husband, the mother to your particular children and the stepmother to your particular stepchildren. Why? Because God must have seen that you have a combination of talents, skills, and gifts to share with them that no one else has. You are one-of-a-kind, and your family needs your heart to be filled with love and overflowing.

Who knows, maybe the reason you love your wife will inspire another man to love his wife better! In fact, I will give a free copy of my latest study just for men, About a Girl, to the guy who inspires me the most!

(shameless plug)
I did recently finish and produce a new study for men titled, “About a Girl: the definitive guide on how a man can better love his wife!” It’s four lessons and DVD intros that can be used as a self study or small group. Click here to check it out.

http://smalleyonlinestore.com/about-a-girl-a-definitive-guide-on-how-a-man-can-love-his-wife.aspx

Let’s face it. In America today, men tend to get a bad rap. In movies and on TV, husbands are often lumped into two categories: abusive or comically stupid. We read stories in the news about deadbeat dads and watch fallen politicians and televangelists apologize for their sexual exploits. We want to reassure you right up front that we know there are still many intelligent men with integrity who want to embody the great character qualities found in Titus 2:2. We know there are a lot of men who marry the woman they love and stay faithful to her, men who plan to work hard to keep their marriage and family intact. If you’re reading this book (or your wife is reading it to you), we applaud you for being one of those men, a husband who isn’t afraid to learn how to love better and who wants to see his remarriage succeed. If we were standing next to you now, we’d give you a hearty handshake or a solid clap on the back. We know you want your remarriage to thrive, and we want to stand with you as you work toward that goal.

In the first section of this book, you learned a lot about the damage that has been done to your heart over the years and how to undo it by healing and guarding your heart. We pray that you are now (if you weren’t before) firmly connected in a rich personal relationship with Christ and are allowing Him to transform your mind and beliefs by meditating on His Word and memorizing it. If you love God, and His love is flowing through you to your wife and family, you are off to a great start.

Now we want to take you a step further into the unique role that a remarried husband plays. We’ll lay out some of the challenges and circumstances you may face in your remarriage that could cause your heart to harden and then give you insight into your own feelings and behaviors, as well as offer some practical ways to keep your heart as a remarried husband feeling like the safest place on earth (without getting overly mushy or anything).

The Remarried Husband’s Need for Respect

A few years ago, a senior pastor named Emerson Eggerichs uncovered a biblical secret he says was a “truth hidden in plain sight for 2,000 years.”22 It is found in Ephesians 5:33, and you probably know it by heart. It’s the verse that instructs husbands to love their wives as they love their own bodies. Pastors have preached this message to the men in their congregations over and over again. Every Christian husband knows he is supposed to love his wife unconditionally. That means he loves her on bad hair days, bad mood days, bad everything days. He has to love her, no matter what. The Bible tells him so.

What Eggerichs discovered was the second half of this verse, the part that is often glossed over but says, “and the wife must respect her husband.” A light bulb went off when he realized the implications of this in marriage, and he went on to develop highly successful marriage conferences and a best-selling book called Love & Respect from his revelation. Eggerichs believes (and we agree) that men were commanded by God to love their wives with no conditions attached because loving doesn’t come naturally for men, yet their wives were created with a deep need to feel loved and cherished. The pastor then quickly connected the dots that wives must have been commanded to respect their husbands for the same reason. Wives are to respect their husbands unconditionally because respect does not come easy for women, but men need it, as Eggerichs puts it, “like they need air to breathe.”

Men need unconditional respect from their wives, but a remarried husband may quickly feel like he’s having a tough time getting it. We want you to know that your desire for respect is normal and okay. It’s a deep-seated part of the way God wired you as a man. You need to recognize that, as a husband, you want your wife to respect you more than anyone else does. Her opinion of you counts the most, and you need to feel that she is your biggest cheerleader. In the workplace, at church, and among male friends and acquaintances, respect is the code of honor you live by. But once you walk through the front door after work, respect may feel like it goes right out the window. When your wife hands you the trash you forgot to take out and complains that your ex-wife just called asking for more money that you don’t have, the feeling of disrespect may rear its ugly head.

Thank your wife for being your biggest fan.

You feel respected when your wife puts you first, ahead of the kids, her phone calls, her friends, or her work. You are the head of your household, called by God to provide for it and protect it. But if your wife was a single mom before you two married, she may have been used to looking out for herself. Learning to live under your headship may feel unnatural, and you may interpret her discomfort as disrespect. As a remarried husband, you will need to work with your wife to define each of your roles in the home and distribute the balance of power so that you feel respected, and your wife doesn’t feel stripped of her identity or purpose.

When men feel disrespected, their natural tendency is to do one of two things: 1) shut their hearts down or 2) lash out in anger. Neither reaction is healthy, and both can do serious damage to a marriage. When remarriage occurs, the feeling of disrespect can be compounded because both spouses bring some of the emotional baggage from their former marriages with them. If you are a remarried husband who experienced divorce, you may have felt disrespected by your former wife for years, so you may approach every encounter with your new wife with built-in wariness that she is not going to respect you. You may also be battling a loss of respect for yourself because of the damage divorce did to your children, the financial comfort that was stripped away, or the behavior you displayed in your angriest moments. You may not respect yourself because you were unfaithful or did things in your past you are not proud of, and that can create very shaky ground in remarriage. The walls around your poor, disrespected heart may be high and almost impenetrable. It will be a top priority for you in remarriage to start dismantling those barriers and reveal the real you to your wife.

When you fell in love and remarried, part of what you fell for was the mirror image you saw reflected in your new spouse’s eyes. She adored you, and that felt great. It made you stand taller, forget your mistakes, and once again feel like you could conquer the world. When the routine and pressures of remarriage set in, you may think the stars in your spouse’s eyes have faded and she can’t possible respect you, the man she lives with everyday. You have to ask God to remove the lie etched on your heart that your wife does not respect you and replace it with the belief that she deeply respects you—and that as a husband now living for God and his family you are worthy of respect.

Your wife also brings her emotional past to your marriage, and she may speak to you or look at you in ways that come across as disrespectful, especially in times of conflict. A disdainful look or sarcastic tone violates your code of honor as a man, and your heart clamps down. You will have to be vigilant in remarriage in guarding your heart from hardening when you feel disrespected. It is also important to determine whether your wife is truly acting disrespectfully or if you are seeing her actions through the lens of your past.

In a time of non-conflict, talk openly with your wife about what specific actions, facial expressions, body language or speaking tones set you off or cause you to shut down.

You and your wife need to learn to recognize what triggers feelings of disrespect in you as a remarried husband, so that you don’t fall into the same unhealthy patterns that reigned in your former marriage. When you feel respected, your heart can remain fully open and engaged. You will experience more satisfaction and will want to love your wife more.

We’ve spent a lot of time so far focusing on how important our hearts are, how easily they’ve been wounded and shut down by events in our pasts, and how to reopen them again. We have learned how we can transform our beliefs and meditate on key Bible verses to change our lives. And in the last chapter, we unpacked many of the ways we can nurture and nourish each other’s hearts in marriage so that they remain open, with love flowing freely. But right about now we can hear you saying, This is good stuff about the heart, Smalleys and Cretsingers, but I thought this book was going to focus on my remarriage. Seems like open hearts and love for God and others are important in any healthy, loving relationship. What makes remarriage different?

Ahh, we’re glad you asked. If you are preparing for remarriage or helping couples prepare for remarriage, you need to know there are many unique circumstances and situations that make remarried hearts more vulnerable to confusion, hurt, anger and conflict than hearts looking forward to being joined in a first marriage. If you’re already remarried, you probably know exactly what we mean. (But don’t skip this chapter, because we’re going to outline ways to make sure you both have healed hearts in your remarriage, so that it can last a lifetime.)
Closed for Business

When a marriage ends because of death or divorce, it leaves a void, an empty space in the heart, whether you experienced the loss or were the one who did the leaving. Regardless of how a marriage ends, it causes devastation, even when it is accompanied by a feeling of relief. The Bible says that when two people are married, they become “one flesh.” If that is true, and we believe all of God’s Word is true, then when a marriage ends, it tears that one flesh apart. Ouch!

When a loss of such magnitude is suffered, people react in a variety of ways to try to fill the now-empty space inside or to dull the guilt and pain of the consequences that came with their actions. Some numb the pain with alcohol drugs, food, work, television or any other method or substance they can think of to escape. Some let their anger take over the space inside, growing roots of bitterness toward a former spouse or at God and dead-bolting the doors of their heart. The most common way that most people fill the void left by a spouse who is no longer there is to jump too quickly into a new romantic relationship.

Talk to remarried couples about what they did right and wrong during their courtship. Find out how they feel they could have better prepared for remarriage.

The problem with all of these misguided efforts is that they cut off the healing process and keep the heart in pain—but the one in agony doesn’t know it! The “good” feelings induced by alcohol, drugs and even food, or the emotional high of receiving affection and admiration from a new person form a nice, neat scab over the heart’s gaping wounds. But without taking time to clean out the heart first, the deep emotional wounds will eventually fester and hearts will become closed for business

Think about a time when you have been hurt by your spouse. You instantly felt closed, shut down or disconnected. But have you noticed how quickly your heart reopened when the offender took responsibility for hurting you and sought forgiveness? You went from feeling completely closed to wide open in little more than a heartbeat. This is because openness is the default setting of our hearts. They were designed to be open. It’s all the junk—lies, negative messages, and hurtful behavior—that forces our hearts to shut down. But that isn’t how God created us.

Emotional safety is the bedrock of a close, open, intimate marital relationship. In this kind of secure environment, the couple wants to stay in love and harmony and feel very protected, rather than vulnerable, with each other. Emotional safety will help you create a climate in which you can build an open relationship that will grow and flourish. It will help you and your spouse feel cherished, honored, and fully alive.

Attend a marriage conference, join a couples’ group, make time for daily devotions, or take up a new hobby or activity together. Invest time in doing something constructive as a couple, and your hearts will feel safer.

In your quest to have a satisfying remarriage, we want to encourage you to make emotional safety a top priority—it must be the foundation for your family to survive.

What Does Emotional Safety Mean?

Most marriage books coach you on how to use a new therapy technique, unpack some latest bit of research, or apply the five trendy steps or seven popular principles. What you really need is simply the know-how to create an emotionally safe environment.

We asked more than one thousand couples who attended a recent marriage seminar to define “emotional safety.” Listen to some of their responses:

• Feeling completely secure
• Knowing that you are loved
• Being accepted for who you are
• Feeling relaxed and less tense
• Being cared for above anyone else
• Feeling free to express who you really are
• Being loved unconditionally
• Feeling confident and less insecure
• Feeling respected
• Being with someone who is trustworthy
• Feeling comfortable around that person
• Being there for me
• Being fully understood
• Feeling valued and honored
• Loving reassurance
• Feeling a deep sense that the relationship is solid
• Allowing ourselves to open fully to give and receive love
• Not being judged
• Seeing me for who I am
• Accepting my flaws as part of the whole package
• Maintaining an atmosphere of open communication

That’s a pretty amazing list, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it feel wonderful to have all of these things as the foundation of your marital relationship? We define emotional safety as feeling free to open up and reveal who you really are, knowing that the other person will still love, understand, accept, and value you—no matter what. Wow! I want that in marriage. Don’t you?

Try to come up with five personal questions to ask your spouse that you do not know the answers to, such as her most embarrassing moment or his most memorable meal. Other suggestions? Find out what celebrities your mate has met, how many (and what kind) of pets your partner had growing up, and what your spouse has always secretly wanted to do.

You feel emotionally safe with someone when you believe that person will handle your heart—your deepest feelings and desires—with genuine interest, curiosity, and tender, loving care. In other words, you hold your heart out to the person and say, “Here is who I am—emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and mentally. I want you to know my heart and soul. I want you to get to know who I am and appreciate who I am and value who I am. I am a very fascinating person who will take you more than one lifetime to understand!”

But you will never offer your heart or reveal who you really are if you don’t feel that it is safe to do so.

Remember that majestic old farmhouse from the movie Twister that we described earlier? We hope this is slowly becoming your vision for what your remarriage can be. Your goal is to open hearts so that they feel like a safe haven, a place of warmth and security for all who enter. What will it take to accomplish this? One little phrase: Emotional Security. Next to your relationship with Christ and the transformation of your mind and beliefs, emotional security is the most important aspect of fostering a great remarriage.

The marital relationship is what makes or breaks a stepfamily. The husband and wife are the heart of every family, and we already know that the heart needs to remain wide open for love to flow through it. What does it take to keep the valves clear that’s different from what you may have heard or read in other marriage seminars, conferences, or books? Let us say it again: Emotional Security.

Here’s what we mean: After you examine yourself honestly and allow God to perform the necessary surgery to clear any blockages (Go back to Chapters Three and Four if you need to review), your now wide-open heart has to feel safe in order to stay that way. Oftentimes, remarriage relationships feel anything but safe. The walls were raised on a foundation of loss and change. The yard is filled with emotional landmines, ready to be tripped at any moment by an inadvertent gesture, look, or sharp tone that brings to mind a former spouse or painful divorce. Wham! Your heart doors slam shut, and the hard work must start all over again.

Since most remarriages take place after some sort of trauma (divorce or death), there is a built-in, underlying sense of insecurity. This is one of your primary battles. It’s not a knock on remarriage. It’s just what makes second unions and beyond unique from most first-married families. As if that’s not difficult enough, add in the fact that these new marriages are situated directly in the path of oncoming “tornadoes” trying to rip them apart. Tornadoes such as children still suffering from the effects of divorce, former spouses who loathe the new spouse (‘the intruder”), guilt over failed marriages, stepchildren who don’t want a stepparent in their lives, birth children who get “buried” underneath the wreckage of prodigal stepkids, and let’s not forget one of our favorites (heavy sarcasm here), the “ghosts” of marriages past that pop up at every turn! These are just a few of the common storms that barrel down on remarried couples. All of these situations and circumstances erode the sense of safety and security and send hearts back to square one.

Don’t let the emotional funnel clouds on your horizon send you bolting behind emotional barricades. As a couple, you can stand firm, even against an F5 storm, if you put considerable effort and energy into making your hearts feel like the safest place on earth. Can you picture it yet? You and your spouse are curled up together on the porch swing of that old farmhouse, the one that has survived tornado after tornado. You are cuddling, talking, and watching your children and stepchildren laugh and play. That’s the picture to keep in front of you. That’s the place where you want to raise your family—in an environment that is safe and secure—where hearts can feel safe and stay open.

We have learned some of the ways we can protect and guard our hearts, the wellspring of life, and help them feel safe so they can love openly and fully. But we can’t do it all on our own. The best way to build satisfied hearts in remarriage is to transform our beliefs, so that permanent change takes place in our hearts and is then reflected in every part of our thoughts, words and actions. That’s powerful, and we’ve discovered that it works.

Let us share another story from the Smalley family. When my (Gary’s) grandson, Michael, was ten years of age, he and I launched our own little scientific experiment on his behavior (with the permission of his parents, Kari and Roger, of course). When we began, I had no idea how it would turn out. But when Michael was ten years old, I began to teach him to memorize just a few key Bible verses. Over the next two years as we learned together, I watched Michael’s life and mine be transformed. We were both amazed at the changes, and his parents couldn’t thank me enough. This was a total accident. I had no idea he and I would start changing as much as we did.

My grandson’s actions, words, and thoughts changed from griping, whining and complaining at the age of ten to tenderhearted gratefulness by the age of twelve. By seeing the results of our little “lab experiment” in his life and my own, I became convinced even further how true God’s Word is and how vital it is to learn it if we want our lives to change and our hearts to feel safe.

My time with Michael brought to life Hebrews 4:12, which says that God’s Word is alive and powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword. Jesus says He is the “Word,” and He became flesh and dwelt among us as a gift from God. He also said that if we know the Truth (and part of the Truth is that Jesus Himself is the Word), the Truth will set us free. Memorizing His Word, hiding it in our hearts, is like tucking away Jesus Himself, who lives in us and dwells with us when we accept his gift of salvation. Memorizing the Word is an important aspect of keeping the wellspring of life flowing. It’s a key component of that vertical connection, a personal relationship with God. When we are filled with the Word, which is Christ, we are filled with love because God is love. Then and only then can we overflow His love to those around us.

In my own life over the past eight years, I have watched nearly one hundred Bible verses transform my life in amazing ways, and I know they can transform the love and lives of couples who have remarried so that they have loving, satisfied, safe hearts.

Following her divorce, Marci found strength and comfort when she memorized God’s Word. “The Scriptures felt like they were pumping new life into me, renewing my mind and healing my heart,” she says. “There are so many verses I have come to love, but one of my favorites is Psalm 107:19-20, which says, ‘They cried to the Lord in their trouble and He saved them from their distress. He sent forth His Word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.’ What tremendous hope those verses gave me when I was in the midst of despair!”

Other verses that helped restore Marci’s quality of life and heal her heart include Psalm 145:8-9 and Jeremiah 29:11-14:

The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. (Ps. 145:8-9, NIV)

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:11-14, NKJV)

“This last verse has taken firm root in my heart,” Marci says. “I believe it with all that I am. It has changed my beliefs and restored my heart. It is TRUE! I am no longer hopeless or helpless.”

Recognize your own value.

You recognize your own value when you perceive and treat yourself like an incredible gift from God. Each of us has immeasurable value because we are unique, divine creations. If you believe that you are a priceless treasure, your life—and the lives around you—will be better for it. Jesus said, “Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be” (Matthew 6:21).

When you do not value yourself, your heart remains closed against your own worth, which hinders your relationships with God and others. Ask yourself these questions: Do you think of yourself as valuable? Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you forgive yourself? How do you treat yourself? Do you speak to yourself harshly or kindly?

The reason these questions are so critical is that Scripture says we are to love others like we love ourselves. If you don’t even like yourself, how can you possibly love your spouse?

Accept and believe sincere compliments and affirmations. It’s okay to receive when others praise you.

When you consider yourself a treasure, your heart will follow—and so will your words and actions. Conversely, if you consider yourself a piece of junk (or worse), your heart, words and actions will demonstrate that fact. When you do not value your uniqueness, when you do not see yourself as God’s priceless work of art, hardness of the heart sets in. And we already know that hardening of the heart is the kiss of death to relationships. Again, a closed heart disconnects us from relationships with God, others and ourselves.

If you ever doubt your value, then consider in the following verses how your heavenly Father describes you:

• You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps. 139:1)
• You were made in my image. (Gen. 1:27)
• In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28)
• You are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)
• I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jer. 1:4-5)
• I chose you when I planned creation. (Eph. 1:11-12)
• You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Ps. 139:16)
• I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live (Acts 17:26)
• You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)
• I knit you together in your mother’s womb. (Ps. 139:13)
• I brought you forth on the day you were born. (Ps. 71:6)
• You are my treasured possession. (Ex. 19:5)

In order to take care of your heart properly, it’s critical that you get your sense of value from the Lord. His view is the most accurate, never portraying you better than you should appear, but always revealing the true beauty inside you. This is exactly what the Scriptures say, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam 16:7). Christ sees us as we really are.

In his bestseller The Purpose-Driven Life, Rick Warren lays out this description of how God views you:

You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. . . . Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first. . . He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality. . . . Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn’t matter whether your parents were good, bad, or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom “you” he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you. . . . God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes. He has a reason for everything he creates. . . . God was thinking of you even before he made the world. . . . This is how much God loves and values you!

In order to capture this God’s-eye view, we need to heed the advice of the apostle Paul: “I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened…” (Eph. 1:18). We need our hearts to see what God sees when He looks at us.
How do you see yourself? As precious? Priceless? Do you honor yourself? Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of someone made in God’s image. God created you as a one-of-a-kind, an individual with unique gifts and personality. He sees each of us as precious and valuable. When you catch a glimpse of how God sees you, you are protecting and caring for your heart. When you recognize and affirm your own value, you create a safe environment that encourages your relationships to grow.

Marci thought she would never be useful to God again after she divorced her husband and remarried. She saw herself as a spiritual outcast, a “scarlet” woman because she had left her marriage and her two teenage sons.

“It took years before the turning point came and my heart really began to heal,” Marci shares. “I remember one thing that really was a breakthrough for me in healing my heart. We had joined a small group of very nice people, but we were the quiet ones in the group. We really didn’t talk much. One week, I shared some of our story of our divorces. Later, one of the women said to the group, ‘It’s obvious that God is not done with Marci yet.’ You can’t imagine how much that meant to me. It gave me hope.”

Marci could not affirm her own value because she no longer recognized it. But she is a person God sees as having limitless value. You are, too. God created you to be worthy of greatest honor. Remember that before you can be safe with yourself, you must recognize and embrace your own value. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

“I thought God would never let me teach again, that He could no longer use me,” Marci says. “I was divorced, I left my family, and I wasn’t doing well in my second marriage at that time. I felt like I had no value. Then someone on staff at my new church helped restore my heart. He asked me how I introduced myself to people. He asked me if I said, ‘Hi, I’m Marci. I’m divorced. I have five kids.’ He made me examine how I presented myself, then said that the truth was that none of the descriptions I used really mattered. ‘What does matter is that you are a child of God, and that’s who you really are,’ he said. I then started hearing other truths in worship songs, truths like the fact that God has called me by name and that He calls me friend. God used different things to start giving me hope and heal my heart.”

We believe that your journey towards feeling safe and having a healthy remarriage begins with taking care of your own heart first. What? That doesn’t sound very Christian, to put myself first, you might be thinking. But, yes, you read that right. Before you can love others effectively, you have to feel safe. And before you can feel safe, you have to know exactly how to take care of your own heart. When we share this truth, most people give us looks like we’ve just said something in a foreign language. (Which probably isn’t a bad analogy, because taking care of our own hearts is foreign to most of us.)

What about you? Did you grow up in a home where your parent(s) taught you how to care for your own heart—how to effectively deal with the hurt, pain and difficulties that came your way as a child, an adolescent, and as a teen? We honestly have never had anyone say, “Absolutely, my parents taught me precisely how to deal with my emotions—pain, anger, frustration, conflict, hurt, disappointment, fear, etc.—in only healthy ways.” Most of us didn’t learn how to do what King Solomon told us to do, which is to “guard our hearts.” As a matter of fact, if we heard that phrase at all, it was usually from our youth pastor when he was giving the sexual purity talk.

Certainly sexual purity is an important part of guarding our hearts, but it is only one part of the meaning behind Solomon’s words. We believe that guarding your heart is so much more than keeping pure sexually. It’s much more like watching the way those barn swallows guard their nests. It’s about learning what to do with painful emotions, how to heal after hurt, fear, frustration or disappointment. It’s about being a barn swallow for your heart, vigilantly caring about it and fiercely protecting it.

Maintain a close connection with God through prayer. Prayer is a great way to open your heart and keep it open.

You will never feel truly safe in any relationship until you are confident in your own ability to guard and care for your own heart. The foundation of a great marriage is an open heart, so that God’s love can flow through both hearts. Thus, it’s not selfish or self-centered but necessary and healthy to learn how to take great care of your heart. Only by investing in your own heart will you be able to keep it open, so that you can minister to your spouse’s hearts. Then both of you can help heal the rest of the hearts in your stepfamily.

Remember back to your first marriage. After getting premarital counseling that actually seemed to fit, many couples experienced their dream wedding. They had looked forward to that special day for as far back as they could remember. Most were young (mid-twenties), blissfully in love, somewhat naïve, optimistic, and idealistic. Everything felt perfect and wonderful, and nothing seemed impossible. In essence, most couples getting married for the first time believe that they are participating in a very special relationship. The enthusiasm and excitement about the relationship help couples resolve any reluctance about marriage. They created such high expectations because they probably…

• Ignored each other’s flaws
• Believed that their spouse would make them whole and bring them true happiness.
• Denied the possibility of any future conflicts or problems.
• Placed each other on pedestals.
• Gave unqualified attention and admiration to one another.

Most people remarrying are a little more down-to-earth. They’re not total relationship cynics or overly pessimistic about love, or they wouldn’t dare head for the altar again. However, most couples are well aware that remarriage will introduce challenges that were not present in their first marriage, even if they aren’t quite clear on what the biggest difficulties will be. For example:

• Remarried couples often feel reluctant and insecure.
• Remarried couples can feel inadequate and fear failing in another marriage.
• Remarried couples are often still dealing with strong emotions like resentment, jealousy and rejection.
• Society has a negative perception of remarriage. Newly formed families may feel inferior and often hide from the world.
• The family hierarchy is reversed, with the new spouse often lower on the hierarchy than the children.
• There are many loyalty conflicts.
• Roles in remarriage can be very confusing.

Phew! And remarried couples are supposed to hang onto the Ephesians promise of the “good life”? That can seem like a very tall order in the wake of challenges, losses and pain that create an environment where everybody feels emotionally unsafe. And changes that produce insecurity inevitably lead to conflict. Let us reassure you of one thing right upfront: The presence of conflict in your remarriage is one hundred percent natural and normal. It is virtually impossible to avoid bumping into differences of opinions, beliefs, and behaviors as you deal with all of the remarriage and stepfamily issues. Add in the loss and pain you’ve experienced on top of the changes, and it’s no wonder that you’re going to encounter conflict.

As you endure arguments, disagreements, fights, struggles, or whatever you want to call them, the sense of being emotionally unsafe heightens among remarried couples. And the real danger in not being prepared for all this conflict is that it leads to a divorce rate that is higher for second marriages than first marriages, and the highest of all for those remarriages that include minor children. We don’t want this to happen to you! And it doesn’t have to. In fact, we believe that Christian remarried couples and the church bodies and leaders who love them can turn the tide of remarriage statistics.

We want stability and peace to reign supreme inside the walls of your heart and your home. We want you—no, we need you as fellow members of the body of Christ—to be able to do the “good works” God has planned for you (After all, your good works might be directly beneficial for us, and we don’t want to miss out!). You can and will, if hearts heal and remain tender and open. Again, we want your hearts to be the safest place on earth, so that you can be blessed by the benefits a healthy marriage and family have to offer.

What? We can hear you thinking, You’re admitting that there are advantages that can come with being part of a remarriage?

Absolutely.

There are incredible benefits that come with remarriage. This is part of God’s redemptive promise. Check out these six amazing benefits that remarried couples can experience:

1. Second marriages can be more fulfilling than first ones because individuals have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, are older, more experienced, and better prepared. They don’t want to fail again, so they try harder; and they are not as idealistic and unrealistic about what to expect.8
2. Partners in remarriage often appreciate each other more, because they know what it has been like to be betrayed or bereft. They know how hard it is to go it alone after being married and are grateful for the new, committed relationship they’ve created.
3. Remarried couples can let go of the guilt, fears, and stress associated with raising children in a single-parent home. A healthy remarriage can fulfill the deep emotional needs of children and adults as well as a healthy traditional family can—the needs to nurture one another by providing safe refuge, comfort, encouragement, companionship, loving confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, affection, a sense of belonging, acceptance, laughter, and unconditional love.
4. Remarriage provides the couple with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy and outlet. If the first marriage was riddled with conflict, then a healthy remarriage can help build new bridges of trust.
5. Remarriage gives single parents someone to share the workload; the new spouse also can serve as a sounding board.
6. Remarriage creates a foundation for new friendships and ministry opportunities.

Isn’t it awesome what God can do through pain and brokenness? Now add your own benefits to the list. What positives have been added to your life since you became a couple? What benefits have your children received? Pastors, what blessings do you see coming from the remarriages in your church? The benefits can be big, but they are based on one condition: Remarriages must be healthy. Families must be healthy. In order for second marriages and beyond to be healthy, members must feel safe.

Would you believe us if we told you that love, satisfaction and joy in your remarriage are only a heartbeat away? Well, maybe not just one heartbeat, but it’s absolutely true that the quality of your remarriage is all determined by the state of your heart. It’s easy in remarriage to blame your mate, your children or stepchildren, or your previous spouse for all your problems. But the truth is that the quality of your life stems from your own heart. If your heart has an OPEN sign in the window, you are overflowing with love. If painful relationship experiences have flipped that sign over to the CLOSED side, you’re out of the love business. In many remarriages, couples get together thinking that their hearts are wide open to each other and will stay that. In reality, their heart signs may say OPEN, but the doors are actually locked. When their dreams of putting together a perfect stepfamily are shattered quickly, the fantasy bubble bursts, and seven out of ten stepfamilies pull apart.

If we learn the importance of our heart and how to open it and protect it so it can remain open, remarriages can make it for a lifetime. Once you begin to understand the power of your heart, you can equip yourself with tools to harness painful or troublesome emotions and improve the level of peace, joy and satisfaction in your remarriage. You’ll have the ability to better manage every remarriage challenge that comes your way.

Why is the heart so important? Because it is the part of us that connects with a holy, living God. Several years ago I (Greg) asked hundreds of married couples to define “heart.” Here are some of my favorite responses:

• The heart is…
• The wellspring of life
• A reflection of the true self
• The core of a person
• The deep center of our life
• The innermost part of the human personality
• Me
• The place we connect to God and others
• The essence of who we are
• The source of our real character

(The executive center of a human life. The heart is where decisions and choices are made for the whole person.)

This list makes it abundantly clear that nearly everyone instinctively recognizes that the heart is the fountain from which the true nature of a person flows. Several affirming statements are made in Scripture (emphasis ours):

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)?“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)?“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.” (Matthew 12:35; NKJV)

But what is the heart? Our favorite definition of the heart is the vital center of the real you.  Another way to look at the heart is through the analogy of the “Holy of Holies.” In the Old Testament tabernacle, there was an inner room called the Holy of Holies, or the Most Holy Place. It was God’s special dwelling place in the midst of His people, a place that no ordinary person could enter. In fact, anyone who entered the Holy of Holies, except for the high priest, would die. And even the high priest, God’s chosen mediator for His people, could only pass through the veil and enter it once a year, on a prescribed day called the Day of Atonement. And the high priest had to undertake some meticulous preparations: He had to wash himself, put on special clothing, bring burning incense to let the smoke cover his eyes from a direct view of God, and bring blood with him to make atonement for sins.5

It has been said that a rope was even tied around the priest’s ankle before he went behind the veil, so that his body could be dragged out if God struck him down because something was not done properly. This is how sacred and precious the Holy of Holies was.

Our hearts are just as sacred. For those who have accepted Christ, our hearts are now the inner dwelling place of the most holy God. They are just as precious as the Holy of Holies, but how many of us treat our hearts that carefully? Many of us ignore, reject, abandon, judge, and abuse our hearts. We are careless with the most valuable part of who we are.

Like us, you may be wondering how we missed this message of the importance of the heart. Why don’t we spend more time at church, in marriage books, or at marriage conferences talking about our hearts? For years at the Smalley marriage seminars we’ve conducted, we’ve asked the men to raise their hands if they were raised in a home where their dad or significant male role model taught them how important their hearts are in life and in their relationships. Never have we had more than two or three percent of the hands go up. We ask the women to raise their hands if their mom or significant female role model taught them about their hearts and showed them how to take great care of their hearts. Again, never more than a few percent of the women raise their hands.

Our hearts are so important. It seems like such a simple truth, and the evidence is all around. Yet somehow most of us have missed this. What’s going on here? I think John Eldredge, best-selling author of Waking the Dead, summed it up well:

The enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and all his forces are fixed upon its destruction. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of God, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you, and you are essential to the Story. Once you begin to see with the eyes of your heart, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything. The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you and your marriage could be and fears it.6

Now do you see how the evil one wants nothing more than to keep your heart closed to God and to others—especially to your spouse? But once you learn to unlock the doors of your heart and throw them wide open to God’s love, your life and your remarriage can be radically transformed.

King Solomon gives us the first key we need to unlock the power of our heart. Solomon is universally considered to be the wisest man who ever lived. During his reign as king of Israel, God blessed him with a great amount of wisdom and wealth. Solomon wrote the book of Proverbs, which contains hundreds of pieces of wisdom that are still effective today. And some of the most fascinating proverbs King Solomon offered were about the heart. Consider Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body,” or Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

When the wisest man who ever lived tells you that something will give you life or instructs you to do something “above all else,” those are probably things that you should pay close attention to. But why did Solomon focus so much on the heart? What does the state of our hearts have to do with remarriage? In a word, everything.

ANSWER
Can you name the devil’s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I’d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It’s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He’s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on “making a point.” Even if one member of the pair “wins” the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage “loses,” then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It’s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a “No Losers Policy.” In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It’s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

They entered the pastor’s office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respected—and waited.

Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasn’t the young, first-time bride but a divorcee with an ex-husband two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.

This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or don’t have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. They’ve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of “friends” who gossip, judge or just no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.
Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.

Often, the pastor isn’t sure how to give it—the advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesn’t exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesn’t apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, “Are you sure you want to do this?” (the polite version of shouting, “Run for the hills!”). They want to provide wisdom but aren’t sure what the right words are to say.

When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could heal. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.

That’s why we wrote The Heart of Remarriage. This book has a multi-fold purpose: to teach loving couples how to heal their own hearts from trauma associated with the death or divorce from a spouse, to give already remarried couples practical tools for keeping their hearts open to each other along this complicated journey, and to provide heart insight for loving pastors, lay pastors, counselors and even small group leaders who want to give advice filled with God’s wisdom that will help remarrying couples make it not only to the altar, but also through a fulfilling marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.

Issues of trust touch all relationships in one way or another. We either have difficulty trusting others or are frustrated that someone won’t trust us.

Intimacy actually is opening yourself up and sharing some of the deeper parts of yourself with another; therefore, it always exposes some degree of vulnerability and involves an element of risk. As soon as you open up, you expose yourself to the possibility of being hurt. You’ve opened to being ridiculed or rejected, and you’ve chosen to lay down your normal protective barriers. Even the simple act of opening your heart and caring is risky. As soon as you care about someone, what happens with them and to them really matters. You become exposed to loss and disappointment.

Ultimately, trust has to do with feeling safe to be open and vulnerable with someone, trusting that they will respect, honor and care for you and your feelings. Trust occurs best when we feel completely safe. We are then able to relax, let our guard down, and just be ourselves without having to worry about being hurt or needing to be self-conscious in fear of being judged, ridiculed or rejected. It is in this open, honest, and exposed state that deep intimacy truly flourishes. Much like being with someone in a perfect garden—like the Garden of Eden—where the weather is ideal, there is no hint of danger, and you feel completely safe with and confident in the person you are with.

Even though the prospect of actually creating a relational Eden is a bit idealistic, this is the environment that we were created to exist in and is something we can deliberately strive towards even if we can’t perfectly pull it off. If we can commit ourselves to creating an umbrella of safety over our relationship we can create a shelter under which we can relax, and openly and intimately enjoy our lives together. Our relationship becomes a sanctuary, a safe harbor, a place we long to come home to.

Creating a relational sanctuary requires a mutual commitment to making the environment a safe place to be open, vulnerable, and free from self-consciousness and fear. This mutual commitment plants the seed from which trust grows. There are two key commitments that each person must maintain in order to create the umbrella of safety and begin to establish a foundation of trust. In order for this endeavor to work well, both people must consistently follow through and act out both commitments.

The first commitment involves how you treat others: Commit yourself to being trustworthy. Trustworthiness exists when a person always recognizes and respects the incredible infinite worth and value of another, and remembers that they are vulnerable and can be hurt. This is not to say that we can’t be playful, and sometimes even rowdy. But when we are given access to a person’s innermost self, we recognize it as a special privilege and remember that this is where they are vulnerable. We realize our potential to hurt them and we commit ourselves to doing everything in our power to avoid hurting, devaluing, disrespecting or dishonoring them. We commit ourselves to being trustworthy. We recognize that no one owes us trust. In fact, if we truly care about the other’s well-being we would do well not to even ask them to trust us. Rather we can simply focus on being as trustworthy as possible and humbly allow them to determine the extent to which they feel safe trusting us.

The second commitment involves how I treat myself. This is actually the key element: Require others to be trustworthy toward you. This commitment requires that you first recognize and respect your own incredible worth and value, your own vulnerability. As a result, you require anyone that you allow access into your inner sanctuary to proceed with honor and care. When someone gets distracted and forgets to treat you with honor, you respectfully inform them that access to your inner sanctuary is a special privilege that is granted by invitation only, that they will be asked to leave if they continue to behave poorly, and future access may be denied. They need to prove themselves worthy of your trust. You do not owe them your trust, it is earned and must be maintained and continually reestablished through respectful, honoring behavior.

It is important to understand that trust is never something that is earned once and for all. Trust is something that is warranted by consistent honor and care towards another. Trust can be betrayed in an instant. Becoming caught up in your own feelings while even momentarily forgetting about the ultimate well-being of the other is all it takes to be untrustworthy. Thus, focusing on being trustworthy towards the other is far more useful then focusing on getting the other to trust you. When you additionally make respect and honor of you a prerequisite to allowing someone access to your own vulnerable places you begin to trust yourself, and feel deeply cared for and self-confident. Therefore, even if the other person forgets to care about you, even for a moment, you know that you won’t forget!

When two people mutually commit themselves to being simultaneously trustworthy towards the other, and require the other to treat them with honor and respect, the relationship begins to feel extremely safe. Both will tend to relax and open up, creating greater opportunities for deep and satisfying intimacy. If you consistently act in a trustworthy manner others will be far more likely to choose to trust you. After all, isn’t feeling safe enough to relax, open up and just be yourself without the fear of being ridiculed or rejected the state that most of us want to live in. And isn’t the ideal relationship one where entering into the other’s presence feels like coming home into the safety of the garden.

Two of the more common criticisms of the Gulf oil spill disaster is that our Government took too long to react to the oil spill and too long to receive help from others in containing the oil spill.  I’m obviously not a politician or a political science guy, so I will not go into these issues as they relate to the oil spill.  But I will show you how these two flaws are also two of the biggest mistakes couples make when disaster hits their marriage.

Whether you just found out about an affair or suffered the unthinkable loss of a child, too many times couples do not react quick enough to the disaster or reach out for help.  When it comes to reacting quickly, I’m not talking about impulsively responding to a disaster.  Acting impulsively is usually not a good idea.  But often times depression will accompany a disaster, and so people can take longer than they need to if they allow the depression to take over their responsiveness. We can feel the negative emotions from a disaster, it is important not to dip into denial, but we must also remember to keep moving forward.  We keep moving forward by allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling and also looking for opportunities of growth.

The other thing we must do in a marital disaster, is reach out for help. We do not have to go it alone. Others have been there, or at least, they can encourage us in our sorrow or confusion. Reaching out for help says to our spouse, “I want us to succeed, and I’m willing to listen to someone’s advice about what we should do about our problem.”

Reaching out for help takes courage and humility, which are two things that will come in handy in recovering from your own marital disaster.

1. Acts of service
2. Quality time
3. Gifts
4. Physical touch
5. Words of affirmation

I’m curious about which is your top love language.  So take the poll and let me know which of the 5 love languages is most important to you.