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THE SALE ENDS ON VALENTINE’S DAY, FEBRUARY 14TH!

Jesus calls on you to love God with your whole heart and your neighbor (especially your husband) as you do yourself.

Every man needs to know that someone, somewhere in the world, cares about him. He needs to feel warm, friendly acceptance from a committed, intimate friend who will be devoted to him no matter what he does. In other words, just like you, your husband needs the security of genuine love. Be the person he knows is always in his corner.

As a wife, doing recreational things with your husband can be a key to keeping his interest. That doesn’t mean you have to take up hunting or hang gliding, but picking an inter- est of his and making it one you can share with him—can pay rich dividends.

Men need to feel appreciated. Many husbands think their biggest con- tribution to you and the family is the financial support they provide. One of the best ways to show your appreciation is to thank him for his faithfulness on the job. Even if you’re providing part of the income (or most of it!), it’s crucial that you show him how grateful you are for his provision.

A wife skilled at meeting her husband’s needs will become indispensable to him.

Let your husband know you’re proud of him and you accept him even if you don’t completely agree with the decisions he makes and the direction he’s going. When your husband is down, don’t react with disgust as though he has lost his masculinity. Maintain the attitude that he’s important.

Norma: We’ve found that sometimes conflicts come to a head quickly, and sometimes they build up over a long period. In our case, one issue de- veloped over 30 years before it was resolved. The problem was that Gary started snoring, and it got worse as time went on. At first it was only irritating, even a little amusing. But as Gary’s volume increased, my patience decreased! After a while, I realized he might actually have a serious medical problem known as sleep apnea. He would literally stop breathing for a few seconds as he slept, then begin again with a start, waking up a little in the process. As a result, neither one of us was getting much quality sleep.

Gary: Like a typical man, however, I didn’t think the problem was all that serious. And I certainly was in no hurry to go to a doctor! I had to acknowl- edge, however, that neither of us was sleeping very well. But what finally drove me to seek medical help was when Norma said she would need to move into a separate bedroom if I didn’t get help! She had reached the point where she thought that was the only way she could get a little rest at night. I went to a sleep clinic, where they determined that I do, indeed, have sleep apnea. And they prescribed a breathing machine that forces air into my mouth and lungs while I sleep. It was incredible! The difference between “before” and “after” was like the difference between night and day. I soon found I had far more energy, a better ability to concentrate, and much less irritability than before.

Norma: Our experience with Gary’s sleep apnea has taught us a couple of things about marital conflict. First, if there’s frequently or sometimes even constantly a level of friction or tension between you and your spouse, it may have a physical cause. So before you draw negative conclusions about each other’s character or cooperativeness, look into that possibility. Solving your conflict could take a whole different direction from what you now think is need- ed if there is, in fact, a physical problem. (Conditions like sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, and high blood pressure are more widespread than most people realize.) Second, when there is a conflict, we have to focus on the problem and look for solutions to it rather than focusing on the other person. Before Gary finally went and got treatment for his sleep apnea, I’ll admit there were times when I got upset with him for not taking appropriate action and so forcing me to live with his continued snoring. But most of the time, I was able to keep things in a more healthy perspective. His apnea was the problem, not Gary himself. If I had let myself get mad at Gary about it too often, we might have ended up sleeping in different houses.

Gary: That brings up another point that can’t be made too often: If a husband and wife are going to keep happily together for a lifetime, they simply must learn to give, ask for, and receive forgiveness. We will hurt each other from time to time, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without knowing it. If those injuries aren’t forgiven, the spirit of the person who was hurt will close, making real intimacy next to impossible. Because of living with me, Norma has had to become an expert at offering forgiveness!

Norma: Gary knows I’ve needed to be forgiven my share of the time, too. But I absolutely agree that a willingness to forgive and to seek forgiveness when needed is one of the most crucial foundation stones in any marriage.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

In so doing, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them. You might think of them as vivid metaphors or similes. They can be as simple as stating, “I feel like I’m in a jungle surrounded by tigers,” if expressing fear or anxiety at work.

How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting that familiar defensive stare or indifferent shrug?

You can help your mate become more sensitive to the problem by using a word picture rather than direct confrontation. Use examples that interest him or her, such as hobbies, everyday objects, or imaginary stories.

A lot of men avoid soft words and tender comfort because they’ve never been taught how to use them. Nor do they understand the positive effects those things will have on their wives and the sense of wellbeing they themselves will receive.

People who consistently use word pictures to point out the faults of others are misusing this communication method. They may make you feel terrible with their words and somehow convince you it’s your fault. Word pictures are to be used to convey how you feel, not to attack the other person.

The communication bridge between you and your spouse can be an emotional word picture, which can be a tremendous help in adding depth and impact to your conversations. Added to this, consistent, gentle touching is a powerful way to increase feelings of security, prime the pump for meaningful communication, and set the stage for emotionally bonding and romantic times. That’s because a gentle hug is a powerful nonverbal word picture of love.

Meaningful communication is sharing your feelings, goals, and ideas – your very personhood. But it isn’t always easy to express those deeper things to one another. That’s where the right word picture can help to bring your thoughts to life, activating your mate’s emotions as well as intellect.

(This article was excerpted from Gary and Norma’s 4 Days to a Forever Marriage.)

It is such a lie to think you’ll change your spouse. Expectations are the number-one reason people are not happy. We keep expecting things and people to make us happy.

Explain how you feel in- stead of demanding that your partner improve. Use “I feel” state- ments, but wait for the right time, and abandon the “you” statements and the “I told you so” statements.

In defeating the arguments and problems that can crop up around any home, try seasoning each day with a liberal sprinkling of praise: “You’re so smart.” “What a treasure you are!” “That’s so creative!” “I’m praying for you.” “You’re wonderful!” “I’m with you all the way.” “Thank you for all your help.”

How quick we are to pick out the negative while ignoring five equally obvious positives! Unless we’re careful, our body language and facial expressions will tend to minimize our praise while maxi- mizing our criticisms. Make it your goal to praise your mate for something at least once each day.

Other approaches to criticism: Be soft—you can often say the hardest thing to someone, and he or she will receive it if you say it gently. Ask questions—help people discover for themselves what you’re trying to say. Use those visual word pictures. Communication takes perseverance—and the very strength and courage of God’s Spirit—to replace impatience, insensitivity, and self-preoccupation with loving communication patterns.

It’s crucial that a husband listen to his wife’s thoughts and feelings; even possible correction. Through listening to her, he can learn how to love her as Christ loves the Church, so that their relationship will blossom into the mature marriage God designed. We must let God change and transform us, and bring us happiness. We try to do it externally, but it won’t happen that way.

Many things have to happen if you’re going to agree on major decisions. Norma and I have had to reason together for long periods in order to discover the reasons behind each other’s perspectives. A couple cannot survive if one person always makes decisions independent of the other. It takes longer to make a decision if you insist on discussion that produces unity, but it removes the danger of hasty decisions that can cause a couple future problems in their marriage.

Work to avoid judgmental attitudes like “How stupid!”, “Oh no, that would never work!” or “You’ll never
understand!” If you criticize your mate in a condescending manner, you’re actually pushing him or her further away from you. No one enjoys being with a disrespectful person. And no one likes to be criticized. However, if you sandwich your criticism between two slices of sincere praise, you’ll be amazed at the difference in your mate’s reactions.

Norma: In the Bible, the Book of Genesis says God made the wife to be her husband’s completer—to give him strengths and insights he didn’t have on his own. As Gary’s work has developed over the years, I’ve tried to be that completer for him, but he hasn’t always listened because I’ve often had to say things he didn’t want to hear! One of the areas where he didn’t want to listen was the subject of how big and complex our ministry staff should (or shouldn’t) become.

Gary: As the ministry began to really grow a number of years ago, with new opportunities opening up nearly every day, it seemed natural to me that our staff should expand to meet those demands. There were seminars to run, books to publish, film series to produce, small-group studies to develop, and so on. I was ready to build an empire! I started interviewing and hiring people to help turn my dreams into reality. Norma didn’t think that was a good idea and told me so. I didn’t agree and told her so. Before too long, however, events would prove she was right.

Norma: Gary is a wonderfully gifted man in so many ways. But one of those ways is not administration. Based on his natural strengths and weaknesses, I don’t think God ever intended him to manage a large organization. There are other ministries and companies through which he can exercise his speaking and other gifts. Nonetheless, as he said, he wouldn’t hear that from me and so he went about hiring people. Some of them lasted only six months before they left in frustration and disappointment. Finally, though Gary still wasn’t convinced I was right, he could see there were problems, so he agreed to seek some outside counsel. A short time later, we went to dinner with Dr. James Dobson, whose own Focus on the Family ministry was already fairly large and continuing to grow.

Gary: We met him in a restaurant in Southern California. As soon as we were ready to get down to business, I told him, “Jim, I want a staff as big as yours,” and I explained all the things I thought God was calling us to do. “Well,” he said, “let me ask you a few things.” Then he asked a series of questions meant to reveal what kind of administrator I would be—things like “Are you good with details?” and “Can you make hard decisions and communicate them to your staff?” As he posed those questions, I had to answer no to every one. And all the time we were talking, Norma was kicking me under the table and smiling at me.

Norma: From talking with a lot of women, I know Gary was far from alone at that point in being willing to accept an insight from someone outside the family that he had been rejecting from his wife. To his credit, Gary listened to Jim that day, and from that time forward we’ve kept our ministry staff small and done a lot of work through others, like book publishers and churches. That experience was also a part of his learning process—learning to listen to me, even when he wanted to disagree, with the belief that I might have some helpful insight that he didn’t possess.

Gary: It took me a lot of years, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had better listen carefully when Norma speaks about my strengths and gifts, about people and projects, and so on. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and she has a wonderful intuitive sense about people and situations. As we look back on our time together now, we can see dozens and dozens of times when she has guided me, protected me, and kept me from doing foolish things. No less than a hundred times, I’ve thanked her for going through the pain of speaking up through the years when she knew I wasn’t going to like what she needed to say. If you want your mate to be all the help to you that God intended, start today to really listen to—and take to heart—what he or she has to say.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

You and your marriage will experience less stress if you understand that men tend to be challenge oriented and often lose interest once they’ve “conquered” or met the challenge. That’s why they can be so romantic before marriage and afterward show little interest in romance. You can motivate your husband to love you by learning to be a courageous, persistent, and patient wife. As a completer and helper, you will need courage to help motivate change, gentle persistence to make sure it continues, and patience to wait on the Lord when change is long in coming.

Your husband needs to be made aware—in creative, loving ways—of how to meet your needs. Realize that your husband may well think he knows what you need. This perception can lead to frustration and discouragement for both of you. The more you clarify what you truly need, the more he will be able to love you. Remember, you’re in the process of sharing with him how to love you, and he’s in the process of learning. If you’re on the same train, don’t expect him to get to the destination before you do.

A woman’s native ability in the area of relationships is her greatest resource. With it, she can lovingly and persistently help her husband fulfill life’s most important responsibilities and reach the most crucial biblical mile- stones in life. Don’t feel hurt and condemn your husband because he doesn’t speak the “language of relationships” very well. To him, it’s like a foreign language. Instead, help him learn to use it as fluently as you do.

By diminishing your expectations— by not expecting your husband to provide a level of fulfillment that only God can give— you free your husband of a burden you otherwise force him to bear, and you free yourself from unnecessary disappointment. This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs or wants, just getting rid of your time limit and preconceived ideas about when and how those expectations will be met.

A man’s competitive nature, when turned toward gaining a successful relationship, can cause dramatic growth in his marriage. Once the knowledge and skills of good relationships are in sight, he can go after them the same way he “conquers” a project at work.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

I had the honor of reading and reviewing Dr. Gary and Norma Smalley�s upcoming book: 4 Days to a Forever Marriage: Choosing Love or Anger. It is due out October 2011 by New Leaf Press.

Gary and Norma have been married for more than 40 years. They are the founders of the Smalley Relationship Center. Gary is one of the country�s best-known authors and speakers on relationships.

Gary and Norma�s newest book is a four day challenge of choosing love or anger in your marriage. At the end of each day�s challenge, there is a section to reflect and review what you�ve learned. There are questions to answer and write down to help you and your spouse talk about what you�ve learned, and help you apply those principles to your marriage.

You can read the rest of her review by clicking here.

Reviewed by Barbara J. Peters, LPC, RN

Author of The Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts and He Said, She Said, I Said

How wonderful that a couple has the power of choice to impact the direction of their marriage!

In 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, Dr. Gary Smalley and his wife Norma show when love triumphs over anger, the insidiously destructive force of rage is destroyed.

Choosing love, the genuine concern for another, over anger with its focus on self and pride, encourages the growth of honor and respect in a marriage which are important values to shower upon one�s spouse. The conscious choice to act in love rather than anger creates a marriage which flourishes as experiences are enjoyed together, and is strengthened even when disappointments, set-backs, and challenges are faced.

The Smalleys share that even though we might be creatures of habit, choosing to be forgiving instead of vengeful, patient instead of anxious, and thankful instead of ungrateful can lead to a more satisfying marriage. Applying examples from their own marriage of 40-plus years, as well as lessons learned through counseling others, the Smalleys weave ways to create a faith-based marriage which is resilient and confident, without sacrificing the individuality of the partners.

This book is written in a comfortable style, making it easy to read and understand. I particularly enjoyed the section titled �What Creates Conflict,� knowing every marriage will face conflict many times, sometimes even daily. Identifying power and control, individuality, distance, distrust, and unmet needs as the main reasons for marital conflict gives each a name, which can help a couple discover, and ultimately accept, the roots of the clashes and struggles in their relationship.

Kernels of wisdom scattered throughout 4 Days to a Forever Marriage allow couples to skim the book and enjoy �ah-ha� moments as pages turn. Simple reminders like, �Unresolved anger in your home is more toxic than the radon gas . . . No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions . . . The real secret to becoming a close-knit couple is shared experiences that turn into shared trials,� and a really good one . . . �When a wife expresses frustration, she will be more receptive to her husband�s shoulders and arms than his mouth,� can do much to grow a marriage in a positive, loving way.

For long married couples, or those just starting out, 4 Days to a Forever Marriage is an insightful, interactive manual to lead couples to find the joy and wonder meant to be in their marriage.

Spirit-Guided Relationships: Wives and Husbands

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God�s word.t 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, �A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.�t 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Now let me know what you think by answering this week’s poll. Also, please leave any comments you might have. I always love a good discussion!

If you’d like to let us know how your relationship got better, please leave us a comment. �You never know how your own experience may impact one of the other readers.

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

After the meeting with my mentee, I happened to run into my grand daughter. Only “seconds” in to meeting with her about the importance of humility, I asked her to explain humility and she said, “It’s just like when I was a premature baby, in the incubator, I was helpless. I guess then that I’m still helpless to create anything resembling God’s love and power.”

How can humility help your relationship? Let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment.