The marriage experts say that communication is the key to great sex. But how many times have you found yourself tongue-tied when it comes to discussing sexual matters with your mate? As you attempt to talk about your sexual relationship, maybe you feel confused, frustrated, disappointed, fearful, and hurt, to name a few.
Good Sex Follows Good Communication
Sexuality is more than sex. Our sexuality includes our values, what we know, our attitudes, what we believe, and how we behave. Sexuality is about our bodies and how they work. It includes who were attracted to and what we desire. Its influenced by our upbringing our morals, our ethics, and our culture. Communication is what makes it work. Our spouse needs to know what we want, how we feel and what concerns us sexually. On the other hand, we must pay attention to our mate when he or she is trying to communicate wants, feelings and concerns as well. The solution then is to communicate in the bedroom.
My husband, Greg and I learned this lesson the hard way. Early on in our relationship, there were many nights of frustration, hurt, disappointment, confusion, and feelings of rejection and failure. Every marriage is susceptible to sexual problems and ours is no different. One of the more interesting experiences in our relationship happened on our honeymoon.
We spent our first night in a very romantic hotel overlooking the ocean in California. I will never forget how nervous we were trying to talk about what our first sexual experience would be like. In spite of our anxiety, we discussed our hopes, desires and fears. We talked about our expectations and what it would finally be like to experience sexual intimacy together.
Later that evening, Greg, being the more conscious one in our relationship, wanted to make sure the door was locked and the do not disturb sign was in place. This is when one of the most embarrassing moments of our marriage happened.
Our hotel room was actually a suite. So it had a separate bedroom and living area. Sadly for Greg, he did not hear the maid enter the room to tidy up. Worse, the maid didnt know that we were in the back room so she must have thought the suite was empty. Im sure you can guess what happened next.
Greg came flying out of the bedroom to lock the door, and to prevent the very thing that was about to take place. I guess the sight of my unclothed husband running full steam ahead towards the door was too much for the maid to endure. She screamed bloody murder, and ran out of the room. Gregs first instinct was to give chase and try to explain himself, but this only made things worse. Needless to say, Greg and I have learned a lot about communication, especially in our sexual relationship, since that first day. I would like to encourage you to consider four key elements to improve your communication around sex.
1. Develop a Sexual Vocabulary. Between men and women, there can be a lot of double meanings, confusion, and missed communication. Sex will be better if you are able to communicate likes and dislikes. Each couple will discuss sexual intimacy in different ways. But the key is to talk in ways that neither of you find embarrassing, distasteful or just plain silly. Honor should always be at the core of your communication. Establishing a sexual vocabulary is not something that happens quickly or in some sort of formal sit-down discussion. Its something that develops with time as trust develops.
2. Talk about what Youre not Talking about. Be aware that a number of factors may hinder your sexual satisfaction that has nothing to do with sex. If either person is unsympathetic to the pressures and worries of lifeweight, children, finances, workit most likely will detract from your sexual relationship. There will be times when neither spouse feels “sexy,” or in the mood. Talk about these things. When these things interfere with your sexual intimacy its critical to discuss what is really happening. Although it might be easier to withdraw and fade off to sleep hurt, frustrated or disappointed, it will not help the relationship if you do not talk about these other things.
3. Be Specific. Many couples forget to talk about what is working well for them sexually, or they feel awkward trying to figure out what pleases each other. Tell your spouse what he or she is doing that pleases you. How can you know what he or she likes, especially if they dont say anything? Some people think its selfish to say what they like. Or they may think that they should pretend to like everything. That sets up a bad precedent for the future.
4. Earn a Ph.D. in Your Mate. In order to have a strong sexual relationship, its critical to learn everything you can about your mate. Your attitude about your spouse should be, I am going spend the rest of my life learning about you. I am going to work so hard at deepening my knowledge of you that I will have earned a Ph.D. in you. To accomplish this you must: Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. I cannot stress the important of asking questions to have a great sex life. A huge part of the communication in your bedroom should be learning about the sexual likes and dislikes of your mate. Phrases like “I really enjoy it when you …” or “How do you feel about . . .” or “I think the thing I enjoy most about our intimacy is…” can add huge insight into your sexual relationship. Even if you think you know the answers to these questions, ask. You both will change over time and with each phase of your life.
Keep on Talking
To have a great sex life, we need to recognize that it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to communicate together about this sacred aspect of our marriage. It will require frequent monitoring, for there must be a sharing of our own sexual feelings, preferences, and responses. We must be good teachers and humble students, for we have much to learn together. As the life cycle adds years, the complexities of our lives and physical changes may affect our sexual responses. Feelings and reactions are usually different during pregnancy, after child-birth, and in our later years. Sexual interest is never static. Although aging may affect hormonal levels, there is no reason why healthy couples should not find satisfaction in their sexual relations their entire lives as long as they keep talking.
