Patience.

The word of the day is patience.  I’ve been working with couples for almost 16 years now, and what I’ve realized over all this time is that too many couples quit before they can experience growth and healing.  Why can’t we wait for another day?  We can get so determined that life is over, our marriage is horrible, and nothing is ever going to change, that we forget there is always hope in Christ!

It is never too late, too long, or too anything.  Your marriage is worth the wait.  I know many of you are hurting, but if you focus on the hurting then your life will slow down and feel miserable.  If you focus on God and what you can do to change your circumstances emotionally without your spouse ever changing, then things begin to look up.  If you believe that your current level of happiness is determined by what your spouse does or does not do, then good luck! That is a recipe for disaster.

Our feelings are the result of our choices.  So choose to make it today.  Choose to stay in this marriage as long as it takes. Never give up, never stop trying to figure out a way to be a better spouse (especially if your spouse is misbehaving or being hurtful).  Of course I’m not talking to those people who are being abused physically or emotionally.  I’m talking to the majority of people who simply do not feel they can stay in a marriage any longer because they are not getting along or communicating well.

A great marriage is only great because two people were willing to stick it out through the tough times and were humble enough to learn (individually) how to be a better spouse. Am I being too harsh?  What do you think?

Watch as Gary explains how important laughter is in your marriage.

Do you know how to turn your spouse on?  I mean really get your wife heated up?  Put some socks on her feet!  Okay, this is not the real tip, but it is true.  Dr. Pat Love recently shared at an event we were speaking at together that women who’s feet are warm are more interested in sex!  All this time the best thing I could have done for my wife to get her engine started was to buy some heated socks.  Dang.  That would have been a lot easier than the other things I tried.

Now for the marriage tip.  The best “emotional” way to get things heated up in the bedroom is to simply be a servant.  When you make the needs and desires of your wife number one in your life, she will naturally want to open up sexually.  When your wife feels valued and cared for, she also feels turned on.

But there’s more!

I found out once that if I’m being a really great father, that also turns my wife on!  This one was difficult for me to understand at first, and it even felt a little creepy.  But it is totally true!  The more my wife sees me playing with the kids and caring for their needs, the more she desires me sexually. She once interrupted one of my famous “smack downs” with the kids to whisper the following statement in my ear, “Watching you play with the kids right now is really turning me on.”  What?  I almost dropped my youngest on the floor.  But don’t think for a minute that I stopped playing.  The more I played, the more I got to play later on (if you no what I mean)!

Amy and I are currently writing a book for Focus on the Family titled, “A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage”.  The book’s premise is quite simple.  The power of one.  What is the power of one?  It is a husband or wife who is willing to take responsibility for his or her actions, no matter what the other person is doing.

If you want things to change, then change yourself first.  Do not get sucked in to the lie that your spouse has to change in order for the marriage or you to get better.  You have tremendous influence over your spouse through your loving actions.  Do the right thing in your marriage and you can not lose.  Loving your spouse when your spouse is not “earning” love, is probably the greatest most powerful thing you could ever do!

Have you ever done your spouse a “favor” because you were hoping to get a favor back in return.  Maybe you want to go out with the guys on Friday night, so you go to your wife on Tuesday encouraging her to hang out with some friends.  Of course, you are only doing this because you are hoping to be able to hang out with your friends later in the week.  Sometimes we can come across very selfless, when in truth, we’re being very selfish.  Be authentic and do things for your spouse because you want to do them, not because you are hoping to get something in return.

Nothing feels worse than finding out that your spouse’s kind gesture was really just a ploy to get something out of you.  I know that some of you are thinking that no one is truly selfless.  That everyone does good because they get something out of it.  I’m not completely in that camp.  I do believe we can do things for our spouse that are truly selfless.  I believe this because we are made in God’s image, which must mean we have glimpses and moments of true greatness that transcend our current brokenness.

Did you know research shows that one of the most powerful things you can do to immediately impact the overall satisfaction of your marriage is to simply go out on a date? It is true and I know what you’re thinking, “Oh come on, this tip is a little on the shallow side.” You think to have a happy marriage you have to learn how to communicate, forgive often, complete trusting exercises like falling backwards in to your spouse’s arms, and more!  These are all good things, but just going out on a date and having fun together is just as powerful, if not more powerful!

When is the last time you and your mate went on a date (rhyming done purposefully)?  I bet the longer you have to go back and think about the last time you two went out the less satisfied you are compared to a couple who frequently go out on dates.  Gottman shows this in his research and others are discovering this as well (including my own brother).

So what is keeping you from going out on a date?  The excuses I’ve hear throughout the years are like, “We don’t have enough time.” “Our kids take up too much energy.”  ”We don’t have fun together because we always get in to a major discussion when we do get time alone.”  Hogwash! There is no excuse good enough to keep you from at least two date nights a month (preferably 4 dates a month).  Do not give me sob stories of how busy you are in life, change your schedule.  You are in charge of where and how you spend your time.  If your kids are involved in too many activities, then cut them back from a few of them.  What a great lesson to teach your kids.  A balanced schedule equals a balanced life.

If you get in to conflict every time you go out together, then stop doing that! Date nights or fun times together should be kept sacred from conflict.  Do not wait to share things with each other until you get alone time while on a date.  It is a horrible idea to try and resolve conflict during fun time, because trying to resolve conflict during fun time ruins the fun time.  Agree with each other that you will not discuss any major things (negative things) while out on a date.  My wife and I do this very agreement with each other every time we go out on a date.  We even shake hands in agreement that we will not have conflict.

My last bit of advice for this tip is to schedule time together.  If you do not get a date night on your calendar on a regular day, it will not happen.  You must be purposeful with the important things in life, and this is one of them.

SPECIAL SECTION

What do you do for fun together? Let other readers know so they can have creative date night ideas as well.  Just to clarify, I’m not talking about spending lots of money each date night having dinner and going to a movie.  Date nights can also consist of hanging out at home and doing something purposeful together.  So what are your ideas? Share them below as a comment.

How is your marriage?  Is it just good enough?  On a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being miserable and 10 being awesome) where would you rank your marriage today? Think seriously about these questions because they are important to the overall satisfaction of your marriage.  If you do not know where you are, how will you ever get anywhere?  Couples do not ask each other enough where their marriage is on a scale from 1 to 10.

No matter where your rank is, do not panic, just take note of the score and then ask what needs to happen for the marriage to get better.  You are your own marriage manual and only you know what it will take to improve the marriage for you.  So ask yourself how it’s going and then do something about it.  Stop waiting for your spouse to change, do some changing on your own and see how that impacts your marriage.  Why sit on the sideline when you can be in the game of becoming the kind of spouse you want to be married to.

If you watch the news or read the tabloids, then you are well aware of the issues plaguing Jon and Kate from the hit reality show Jon and Kate plus 8. We’ve been contacted by several friends telling us to offer to help them with one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. Unfortunately, we do not know them or how to get in contact with them.

So I felt like I should write this tip. First of all, do not believe anything you read in the tabloids. I have several close friends who are tabloid magnets, in a major way, and I can assure you that the rumors and lies spread through the tabloids are obscene and totally false! Who knows what is really going on with Jon and Kate, and I would suggest we all hold on assumptions until we hear it directly from them.

What advice would I give Jon and Kate? Ask for help. If you need help, then reach out and search someone who can help you avoid divorce (if that is really what is happening for them). The worst mistake couples make when they are facing a trial in their marriage is when they shut out the world and begin believing they are the only ones hurting. Lots of couples are hurting and we all need to be more authentic with our pain.

The second bit of advice I would give to Jon and Kate would be to slow down and take a step back. When your marriage is in trouble, the best thing you can do is to figure what you have done to contribute. The more you point fingers and blame your spouse, the worse your marriage is going to get. Take personal responsibility for your own actions. This will cause your spouse to relax and it will create an opportunity for self-reflection.