Amy and I are getting the rights back to our first book, Don’t Date Naked: put on the full armor of God in your dating relationships! We are going to start self publishing this book now and want to freshen it up a little bit with a new title and cover design (as well as important new content for the book).  So what do you think would make for a new good title for a dating book?

The basic premise of our book is that you don’t have to kiss dating goodbye, in fact, if you learn how to honor God, others, and yourself then you can actually have a great dating experience that prepares you very well for marriage!  We take a pro dating stance in our book and then help young adults learn how to set up the right boundaries to keep themselves safe and protected while dating.

Here’s the chapters:

1. Let’s Hear It for Dating
2. Making a List and Checking It Twice
3. It’s All in Your Personality
4. Dating 101
5. Sex and the City
6. Staying Safe While Dating
7. Keeping Emotional Boundaries
8. What If Mr. or Ms. Right Turns Out to Be All Wrong?

As you can see the book is very applicable and straightforward. I think the best feedback we’ve been given over the years is that people really appreciate our openness and honesty. Amy and I are very transparent in the book and do not take a position of talking down to young adults, but rather, we respect them and believe they can make healthy choices in their dating relationships if they are given the chance.

The reason behind wanting a new title is that the church, in general, wasn’t ready for a Christian book to have the word “naked” in the title.  I was a bit ahead of the curve on that one =]  The book still did extremely well, and has been in print since 2003.  But now we get a chance to spruce things up, expand and deliberate on what we’ve learned since initially writing the book and put a new cover on it as well.

So let us know what you think would be a great title for the book.  If a title is chosen, the winner can have the choice of whatever they want from our online store (one item only) and of course a signed copy of the new look book!

I answer this woman’s question via my new video podcast! So what do you do when you’re dating someone way older than you and all your friends are against it?  You might be surprised by my advice.

Your most treasured relationships should be protected from certain statements or words.  Notice how I don’t say all of your relationships, because quite frankly, we can be cruelest to the people we love the most.  Why – because we actually care more about the people closest to us than we do about strangers.  I don’t believe this is wrong, it’s simply natural.

I would need serious medication if I kept treating total strangers like I treat my own family.  We are harder on the people we actually care about, which is why we need to put some structure on what we say and don’t say.

Following is a list of things you should not say in a fight that some of my counselors and retreat attendees at The Smalley Marriage and Family Center came up with:

• Don’t use never or always in statements (this only causes defensiveness and raises the intensity of the conflict)
• Don’t comment on the person’s appearance negatively
• Don’t bring up the past and use it against someone
• Don’t curse at each other
• Don’t mention divorce (I can not stress this one enough; you can never threaten divorce because you can never take that statement back)
• Don’t say “I hate you!”
• Don’t say “You’re just like your mother!” (in other words, try and keep extended family out of the argument)
• Don’t use “You” in blaming, intense sentences
• Don’t make personal attacks like, “You’re so lazy!” “You’re worthless!”
• Don’t turn the table on someone, in other words, you can’t say something like “Well, I’m not the only one who doesn’t clean the house…you…”
• Don’t kitchen sink (which means you can’t bring up everything the person has ever done to you.  Keep it to the here and now.)

Copy and print this list and put it somewhere so you can be reminded of how to keep your conflict as safe as possible.

I arrived slightly late to our junior and senior high youth night this evening, but it wasn’t too late for one of my favorite highschool girls on the planet. She has been very close to our family and has travelled with us on speaking trips to help take care of our three kids.

Any way, when she saw me pulling up to the YMCA, where our Sunday Night Live events are held, she came quickly outside to greet me before I could make it into the building.

Her eyes were already pretty watery and I could tell something was wrong. So like a lot of well intentioned men, I asked, “Is something wrong?”

She then preceded to tell me that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of over six months (a record for her). I asked what went wrong and she responded, “We just weren’t on the same spiritual level.”

Of course, I tried to contain my enthusiasm, not because I didn’t like the boy, but because she was already learning at 17 how to be a mature person and how to honor God and herself in her dating relationships.

The root of her breaking up was literally that she didn’t feel he desired a close relationship with God. I asked her what event got her to realize this point, and she said with a smile, “Your book!” I was actually very suprised, because Amy and I are still not used to having a book out and it atually impacting lives, but here was the proof standing right infront of me

It was the chapter on character qualities that helped nudge her in the right direction in her relationship. And I hope her courage to make the tough decision encourages you to think about your current boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s never too late to make a good decision.

This is a followup question from a previously answered issue from a young lady who is a sophomore in college.

THE QUESTION:

“I want to thank you for your insight. It has opened my eyes. I am just amazed at how well you answer questions [editors note: My kids, just this morning, informed me that mommy is a lot smarter than daddy!]. God has really given you a light to shine in others darkness. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy and he has made mistakes and I have seen past that. He said that if he could take it back he would. He is all for me being a virgin and he wishes he would have waited. But as u said in your book, More Than a Match, that that fear is always there that he will compare me to his other experiences…and that scares me. What if i dont meet up to them? I know i may be wrong to think that but i truley believe that he is the guy im gonna spend my life with. He is so God honoring and is an amazing man over all. You guys have touched so many lives and I give you a thumbs up for that.”

THE ANSWER

I’m not so sure about all the nice stuff written about us, but thanks for being so kind about our ministry! What if you don’t meet up to your potential future husband’s sexual expectations? That is a big, stressful question and I want to give you an honest answer. Yes, there will be times that you get stressed out because you were a virgin and he was not. It would be unrealistic to think that it won’t bother you on some level. How much it bothers you, however, is up to you. For example, what are you going to do with the thoughts once they enter your head? If you embrace them, then things will get worse. If you reject them and dwell on what is good and right, then they will get better.

Sin hurts, that is why I try and encourage myself and others not to make major mistakes. They don’t just go away. Our choices impact our lives forever (or until we have a major brain injury that thwarts our ability to remember things). Will you get so stressed out about being compared sexually to others in the past that it will lead your marriage to divorce? No. You are in control on how much stress you experience over this issue.

I do think it is easier on a couple when they have similar backgrounds in life (not just sexually, but home life, spiritual, etc.). But no couple is ever going to have the perfect union. We all experience stress and it is our ability to resolve the stress that matters in terms of our success and satisfaction.

THE QUESTION:

Amy and Michael I want to first tell you that I love both of you so much and I love your books. I have a question that i dont know who else to ask. I just recently found out that my boyfriend is not a virgin. As hard as it has been for me I have accepted his past and moved on. The problem that still lingers is telling my parents. I dont want to tell them because they will judge him for his past and not who he is now…and that kills me because i am very much in love with this guy. How do i tell them? What do i do? I am so afraid?

THE ANSWER

Dear afraid, do not be unsettled my friend. Always remember that God is in control of every situation and your job is to simply find His will. I would love to know how old you are, because honestly, that may change my answer a bit. But I’m going to assume that you are either in college or recently out of college. If this is the case, then I would like to know why you feel the need to tell your parents that he is not a virgin?

Your boyfriend’s past is not your parents business. I don’t mean that you have to hide things from your parents, but you really need to know whether or not he wants them to know his past. If he does not feel comfortable letting your parents know about his past, then it is not your right to tell them. Now if this was your status as a virgin, and you felt the need to talk with your parents about it, then that is okay. I am sharing this as a parent myself. I do not think that I need to know every past mistake of my future daughter or sons’ spouse.

What I’d be interested in is what kind of person their future spouse is today. I want to know that he or she is honoring God, others, and themselves today. I will not demand to know any past mistakes they have made because that is not my business.

I am also a little concerned that you feel like your parents would be judgmental. If that is true, then they have not earned the right to hear anything about his past anyways. Jesus does not call us to be judgmental, but to love unconditionally like he unconditionally loves us! People earn the right to be connected, there is no written law that says we have to open up to people that will judge us or condemn us. People earn the right to be connected when they respond well and lovingly to our struggles and needs.

But take heart friend, it is not your job to share with your parents any past mistakes of your boyfriend; that is between him and your parents. If I were your father, I would want to know how he is treating you today. If he is honoring of your decision to stay a virgin till marriage, then that is a good thing for me to hear. If he is not honoring of your decision and is pressuring you in any way to go farther physically than you want to, then that is a bad thing.

I know, at least for me, that I want my children to marry authentic, growing Christians one day. If you can say this about your boyfriend, then keep it going

I felt a tad voyeuristic when I tweeted about a couple who was having a horrible fight at a restaurant. But it did get me thinking about why couples stay together in a dating relationship when they are fighting and tearing each other apart emotionally. Do not, I repeat, do not stay in a dating relationship when there is intense fighting!

You need to break off a dating relationship when any of the following is happening:

• Major fighting and belittling each other
• Cheating
• Pushing or shoving
• Moral failures like pornography or lying

I am probably leaving something out (let me know in your comments), but if any of the above is happening, please break off the relationship.  It is not healthy and it will only lead to more pain and misery.  Too many people get married when they have no business getting married.  It is a gift to end an unhealthy relationship before getting married.