I was browsing my marriage articles I read each week and found this post by Perez Hilton (who I certainly do not endorse, but found the article led me to some important insights):
Then, her twin sister, Josefin, came to her and persuaded her not to file the papers while she was so emotional. She urged Elin to think of the children and let the papers sit until she could make the decision rationally, rather than out of anger. Then, when Tiger finally came to Elin to apologize, it was Josefin who insisted that she could repair her marriage if she wanted to.
Why was this post important? Because every marriage needs a Josefin. Whether this post is true or not, does not matter to me. Because the point is true, we all need someone in our lives that encourages us to stay together whether that be for the kids, our own lives, or something else. Too many marriages end in divorce when they do not need to end in divorce. Sometimes we need to suck it up and hang in there, patiently waiting for God to change our spouse’s heart.
If we bail too quickly, we run the risk of missing out on a miracle or our spouse’s change of heart. What’s the rush? Slow down and take your time. Divorce is so painful, and frankly, it practically always makes things worse. There’s no need to rush to divorce. Let the “Josefins” in your life encourage you when you need encouragement the most.
The Daily Record is reporting that Tiger’s wife, Elin, is giving the marriage another try:
The wife of shamed golfer Tiger Woods is set to move back in with him. Friends of Swedish model Elin yesterday revealed she was prepared to give their troubled marriage another shot. Since Tiger’s string of affairs became public, Elin, 30, has been living in a rented mansion near their home in Windermere, in Orlando, Florida. Celebrity website RadarOnline claim she agreed earlier this week to move back into the family home with their two children. Relations had been thawing in recent weeks. On Wednesday, the couple spent around three hours together at the family home, a source claimed. They were in the backyard and at one point Tiger, 34, kissed Elin three times on the cheek and they hugged. However, Elin has yet to put back on her wedding ring.
Does Tiger deserve another chance? Absolutely! No one is unredeemable, especially if they do the work necessary to repair the damage. As long as he’s not being abusive currently (either physically, emotionally, or contuing with the affairs) then he deserves another chance. What do you all think? We’ve written a few posts on the Tiger situation here.
Does Tiger deserve another go? What say you…either leave us a comment or vote in our poll.
My heart aches as I begin to write. I’m so weary of hearing about all the women and the deception of Tiger Woods. I want to make it all go away and go back to my former view of him. I liked him! My son loved him, tried to mimic is golf swing and wear his Nike hat etc.. He appeared to have a great family, a great upbringing. His dad devoted his life to him, for goodness sake. How could this happen? I think we are all scratching our heads wondering what is going on?
The personal pain of the Tiger Woods and his family hits home to so many Michael and I come into contact with. I have seen the hurt in the wife’s eyes as she realizes the reality she once lived in was a lie. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I have to be honest, I asked Michael, “Are you living some other life I don’t know about?” I was half kidding but I was still questioning it too. I think I know Michael more than anyone else. I think I know his hurts, what he likes, what he doesn’t like, but I’m not in his mind. I don’t know what thoughts Satan tries to put into his head. To his credit Michael’s response was… of course funny… but reassuring. He, after cracking a joke first, did look me in the eyes and say, “No I’m not having an affair.” Sometimes I just need that security said out loud. You can say I’m over emotional, insecure, or whatever but to know that I can ask my husband an important question like that and he not become defensive, but humor me and validate why I might be questioning any man’s loyalty right now was comforting.
I think we can brush this off as too much money, too many women throwing themselves at Tiger, or too much fame, but I want to take the opportunity to challenge myself and my marriage. Will you do the same? I do not want to instigate fear and insecurity but I do want to learn how to listen to Michael in a better way. The only way to prevent this type of situation from happening is to draw closer to God and closer as couple, because we are all vulnerable.
Listening, really listening, takes a great deal of effort. Because Michael and I are so different every time he has something going on that’s really big I have to literally step outside myself and put myself in his shoes, the way he wears them. He cares about things but not in the same way I do. If you haven’t noticed social norms are not a priority to him. He wants to succeed on his terms and it makes it difficult for me to identify with him many times because he doesn’t feel the way I do. I am challenged continually to look at the world through his eyes. And I’m so thankful because I don’t want to see things only from one perspective. Michael’s world has so much color, noise, and excitement! If I didn’t appreciate that about him it would drive us apart and I wouldn’t care about listening to him.
Compassion means going to the depths of whatever the other person is feeling. I’m so glad I can have an honest and understanding conversation with my spouse about a current trial and feel I’m met with the same. If you don’t feel like you are being understood or over looked please seek the great Counselor first then maybe one of us. I have the privilege of meeting with people who are truly struggling to bind themselves to Christ in the middle of troubling marriages and divorces and I believe I can testify for them in this, without Christ they wouldn’t be making it! There is a strength and humility that comes when we draw ourselves to Christ. The blessed assurance of Christ sets us free indeed, no matter what.
I’ve been a supporter of Tiger ever since he burst on to the scene as a professional golfer, and honestly, even before that when he was winning amateur championships. It pains me to see what he is going through and to be hearing all the rumors of sex with other women. Things seem to be getting worse for Tiger, and sponsors may be starting to rethink their support. Tiger is on every newspaper, magazine, and TV news-lead in the country, but no one is talking about his potential sexual addiction.
If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:
6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)
Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:
Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.
For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.
In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.
I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.
First things first, all the reporters, TV anchors, and sports enthusiasts who are saying that Tiger Woods must come out and say what happened are ridonculous (my new favorite word from Coach Gruden on Monday Night Football!). Why is Tiger being silent, we do not know and I would love for people to stop assuming the worst. Am I being naive? Who cares! Tiger has not proven to be untrustworthy in the past, so why assume there is some horrible thing behind what happened the other night during his minor car accident.
In fact, I’ve known a few A-list and B-list celebrities in my life, and I can assure you that the rumors by TMZ and other tabloid entities are typically totally off base and full of lies. It disgusts me that the tabloid press is not held accountable for blatant lies.
I do not know if Tiger needs marital advice, but if you ever find yourself in a situation described by the media right now for Tiger, then take the following 3 pointers to help create the possibility for restoration in your marriage:
Be honest. Never assume that lying will help ease the pain for your spouse. Lying always makes whatever happened even worse. Just be honest and upfront if you’ve had an affair. If you have not had an affair, but your spouse is accusing you of one, then simply validate his or her feelings. Let your spouse know that you understand why he is accusing you of the affair, and then ask what you can do to help him understand the truth of the situation. Getting defensively nasty will only confirm your spouse’s beliefs.
Be humble. Now this is a word that can be difficult to do, especially if you are feeling falsely accused of something. But humility is always a great attitude to help people calm down and see things more realistically. One of the definitions of humbleness is to be “courteously respectful”. You are wanting to restore the relationship, so do not get prideful and resistant to validating your spouse’s fair or unfair accusations. Relax. If you are innocent, then you will be proven innocent. The more defensive you get the more guilty you appear. Humble people are kind, relaxed, and understanding. You will need a lot of those kinds of attitudes to repair the relationship.
Be patient. I do not know how long it will take for your spouse to open up, and neither do you. So be ready to patiently wait. Sometimes we just need hang on and give our spouse the space to heal and open up. Do not try and rush healing because you do not want to hurt any more. Trust that your spouse will open up and give your spouse the freedom and respect to heal.
Follow these three pointers and you will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.
[UPDATE]
Here’s the statement Tiger Woods released on his website www.tigerwoods.com earlier today:
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.
Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.
Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.
I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.
My friend, Jeff Fray, over at the Marriage CoMission, shared the link to this TIME magazine article. Â It is a very informative article and will give you a lot of insight in to the latest research surrounding the importance of marriage and some of the recent scandals (Gov. Mark Sanford and others):
In the e-mails exchanged between the governor and his girlfriend, they trip over themselves to praise the other’s virtues. She was “special and unique,” “glorious”; he was a man of emotional generosity who “brought happiness and love to my life.” These two humanitarians were engaged not only in worshipping each other’s high-mindedness but also in destroying another woman’s home, hobbling her children emotionally and setting her up for humiliation of a titanic proportion. The squalor and pain that resulted from the Sanford and Ensign midlife crises make manifest a bleak truth that the late writer Leonard Michaels once observed in his journal: “Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another.”
