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The art of timing

Posted on December 5, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

There’s more to effective communication than putting together and then practicing the right message. Picking the right time and place to convey it is also crucial. In a marriage, meaningful words bring life-giving water to the soil of a person’s life. In fact, all loving relationships need the continual intake of the water of communication or they simply dry up. No marriage can survive without it.

If a man is to be truly effective in his relationships both at home and at work, he needs to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart” (facts and feelings). Right there under the same roof is a woman who can help him learn that skill, if he is willing to listen to her.

Without meaning to, we can communicate nonverbally that other people or activities are more important to us than fam- ily. You’ve heard of football widows. How about golf orphans? Those who know us best provide the best correction. In particular, our mates, who were designed by God to complete us, are most sensitive to the areas in which we need help.

We also need to give praise and thanks to each other for special acts of kindness. Many people complain that their mate is strangely silent when they do something above and beyond the norm.

The Salt Principle is a method of gaining and holding a person’s attention by arousing curiosity. It’s a way to create a thirst for constructive conversation in which both you and your spouse can learn about each other’s needs. First, identify the need or concern to be discussed, and then identify areas of high interest to the other person—areas you can tap into to pique interest.

One of the easiest ways to reduce misunderstandings and communication friction is to share only a few thoughts with someone and then allow the person to repeat back what he or she thinks you said, much as would happen when you place an order at a fast food drive-through. This method will also improve your listening skills.

Added benefits to this kind of drive-through talking: (a) It gives you a chance to fully understand what the other person is saying before you respond, which also prevents tuning out the other per- son while he or she is talking; (b) it validates the other person and his or her opinions. When you not only listen but also repeat back what someone says, you communicate that the person and his or her opinions are important to you and worth taking seriously.

(This article was excerpted from 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.)

Communicating from the Word “Go”

Posted on November 8, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

Gary: A lot has been written and said about how to communicate in marriage. I should know—I’ve done my share of the talking in my previous books and seminars! But the fact is that it took me a long time to learn one of the most important communication skills—how to listen. I especially needed to learn how to listen to Norma!

Norma: In the Bible, the Book of Genesis says God made the wife to be her husband’s completer—to give him strengths and insights he didn’t have on his own. As Gary’s work has developed over the years, I’ve tried to be that completer for him, but he hasn’t always listened because I’ve often had to say things he didn’t want to hear! One of the areas where he didn’t want to listen was the subject of how big and complex our ministry staff should (or shouldn’t) become.

Gary: As the ministry began to really grow a number of years ago, with new opportunities opening up nearly every day, it seemed natural to me that our staff should expand to meet those demands. There were seminars to run, books to publish, film series to produce, small-group studies to develop, and so on. I was ready to build an empire! I started interviewing and hiring people to help turn my dreams into reality. Norma didn’t think that was a good idea and told me so. I didn’t agree and told her so. Before too long, however, events would prove she was right.

Norma: Gary is a wonderfully gifted man in so many ways. But one of those ways is not administration. Based on his natural strengths and weaknesses, I don’t think God ever intended him to manage a large organization. There are other ministries and companies through which he can exercise his speaking and other gifts. Nonetheless, as he said, he wouldn’t hear that from me and so he went about hiring people. Some of them lasted only six months before they left in frustration and disappointment. Finally, though Gary still wasn’t convinced I was right, he could see there were problems, so he agreed to seek some outside counsel. A short time later, we went to dinner with Dr. James Dobson, whose own Focus on the Family ministry was already fairly large and continuing to grow.

Gary: We met him in a restaurant in Southern California. As soon as we were ready to get down to business, I told him, “Jim, I want a staff as big as yours,” and I explained all the things I thought God was calling us to do. “Well,” he said, “let me ask you a few things.” Then he asked a series of questions meant to reveal what kind of administrator I would be—things like “Are you good with details?” and “Can you make hard decisions and communicate them to your staff?” As he posed those questions, I had to answer no to every one. And all the time we were talking, Norma was kicking me under the table and smiling at me.

Norma: From talking with a lot of women, I know Gary was far from alone at that point in being willing to accept an insight from someone outside the family that he had been rejecting from his wife. To his credit, Gary listened to Jim that day, and from that time forward we’ve kept our ministry staff small and done a lot of work through others, like book publishers and churches. That experience was also a part of his learning process—learning to listen to me, even when he wanted to disagree, with the belief that I might have some helpful insight that he didn’t possess.

Gary: It took me a lot of years, but eventually I accepted the fact that I had better listen carefully when Norma speaks about my strengths and gifts, about people and projects, and so on. She knows me better than I know myself in some ways, and she has a wonderful intuitive sense about people and situations. As we look back on our time together now, we can see dozens and dozens of times when she has guided me, protected me, and kept me from doing foolish things. No less than a hundred times, I’ve thanked her for going through the pain of speaking up through the years when she knew I wasn’t going to like what she needed to say. If you want your mate to be all the help to you that God intended, start today to really listen to—and take to heart—what he or she has to say.

p.s. To purchase 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, please click here.

4 Days to a Forever Marriage book review

Posted on September 23, 2011 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage, Marriage News

The following is a review for Gary and Norma’s newest book, 4 Days to a Forever Marriage:

Reviewed by Barbara J. Peters, LPC, RN

Author of The Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts and He Said, She Said, I Said

How wonderful that a couple has the power of choice to impact the direction of their marriage!

In 4 Days to a Forever Marriage, Dr. Gary Smalley and his wife Norma show when love triumphs over anger, the insidiously destructive force of rage is destroyed.

Choosing love, the genuine concern for another, over anger with its focus on self and pride, encourages the growth of honor and respect in a marriage which are important values to shower upon ones spouse. The conscious choice to act in love rather than anger creates a marriage which flourishes as experiences are enjoyed together, and is strengthened even when disappointments, set-backs, and challenges are faced.

The Smalleys share that even though we might be creatures of habit, choosing to be forgiving instead of vengeful, patient instead of anxious, and thankful instead of ungrateful can lead to a more satisfying marriage. Applying examples from their own marriage of 40-plus years, as well as lessons learned through counseling others, the Smalleys weave ways to create a faith-based marriage which is resilient and confident, without sacrificing the individuality of the partners.

This book is written in a comfortable style, making it easy to read and understand. I particularly enjoyed the section titled What Creates Conflict, knowing every marriage will face conflict many times, sometimes even daily. Identifying power and control, individuality, distance, distrust, and unmet needs as the main reasons for marital conflict gives each a name, which can help a couple discover, and ultimately accept, the roots of the clashes and struggles in their relationship.

Kernels of wisdom scattered throughout 4 Days to a Forever Marriage allow couples to skim the book and enjoy ah-ha moments as pages turn. Simple reminders like, Unresolved anger in your home is more toxic than the radon gas . . . No one can long ignore considerate, loving actions . . . The real secret to becoming a close-knit couple is shared experiences that turn into shared trials, and a really good one . . . When a wife expresses frustration, she will be more receptive to her husbands shoulders and arms than his mouth, can do much to grow a marriage in a positive, loving way.

For long married couples, or those just starting out, 4 Days to a Forever Marriage is an insightful, interactive manual to lead couples to find the joy and wonder meant to be in their marriage.

Rules for couple’s conflict

Posted on April 7, 2011 by in Conflict Resolution

1. Clearly define the problem. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)

2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it. Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)

3. Encourage your mate to explain and respond. Use active listening. Repeat to the other person what you heard them say. Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa). Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)

4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present. Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived. Avoiding score keeping. “You are late for dinner. I feel angry. I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.” Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual. I remember when “, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)

5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”

6. Avoid power statements and actions. For example: “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)

7. Avoid judgment words like “you statements”. Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)

8. Be honest in your statements and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)

9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets). Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.

10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)

11. Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)

12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)

13. Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence. (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)

14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)

15. Select an appropriate time and place. Don’t make a scene. Never deliberately embarrass each other or others by arguing in public. Keep your arguments in private. Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)

16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee. The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)

17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment). Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)

18. Speak directly and personally to your mate. Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s). (Prov. 18:23)

19. Put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

20. Don’t compare your mate to others. Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)

21. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)

22. When you’re wrong admit it. Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined? Was it written down? Was there miscommunication?, etc.). Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)

23. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions. Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.

24. Forgive your mate and do not hold resentment. End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)

25. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)

26. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

Keep Romance and Security Alive

Posted on December 19, 2010 by in Conflict Resolution

Gary: In this day and age, security in the marriage relationship almost seems to have gone the way of the dodo. Roughly half of all marriages end in divorce, and the statistics are about the same among Christians as they are in society at large.

Yet feeling secure in the relationship is vital to true romance. How can you give yourself fully and without reservation to your spouse unless you’re confident he or she will still be with you, loving and supporting you, next week, next year, 10-years from now, and so on until the day that death finally separates you?

Norma: One way I’ve tried to build security in our marriage is that I’ve consciously and deliberately never used the words hate or divorce or leave with Gary, even in our most heated “discussions.” I’ll admit I thought the words on a number of occasions in years gone by. But I’ve seen the devastation done to individuals, men and women as well as children, and families by separation and divorce, and I never wanted any part of that.

Even more, when I vowed on our wedding day to love and remain faithful to Gary, I was making that promise to God. I was making it to Gary as well, but I was especially making it to God, and I take that very seriously.

Gary: Another thing that has helped to build security in our relationship is that we pray together about anything in our family or ministry that looks challenging. There’s a great sense of peace and oneness that comes from going to God together and placing a difficult matter in His hands.

We also know that when we’re both seeking His will for a particular concern, we’re on the right track to finding a good answer, because self-centeredness and ego have been taken out of play. We both want what’s best for each other, for our marriage, for our family, or whatever the case may be.

Norma: It’s nice to get flowers and to go out for fancy dinners. Those kinds of things do develop the feelings of romance that are so enjoyable, and I certainly like it when they’re a part of our relationship.

I’ve learned, however, that as nice as the feelings of romance are, they’re no substitute for the security of a rock-solid commitment. Knowing that your love and your marriage will truly last “till death do us part” is the greatest feeling of all!

During hard times, when I don’t feel love toward Gary, I always remember that feelings change so many times during the day because situations change, but my decision to love him was a commitment for life.

The fear dance – understanding why you fight

Posted on November 11, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution

My husband and I have been married for almost nine months. I must admit that marriage has been much more difficult than I’d expected. I knew we would have disagreements, but when we fight I shut down and don’t respond. I think this is because my family never talked things out. My husband’s family was totally the opposite. How can I learn to communicate what I’m feeling and thinking to my husband?

The key to learning how to communicate feelings and thoughts to our spouse is to be clear about what is actually driving our hurts and pain. In other words, we must get to the core and actually talk about what is beneath the surface. Instead of getting stuck arguing about the issue (i.e., money, sex, kids, work, etc.) or what the other person is doing, we have an opportunity to discuss what is really going on deep inside of us.

What drives our hurt and frustrations in marriage? Buttons. Every person on the planet has buttons. Whats a button? Think about how you feel when someone says something or does something that hurts you, or scares you, or frustrates you. Instantly, you find yourself reacting to them in some way. Maybe you start to defend yourself or criticize them, or perhaps you shut down and start to withdraw. Regardless of what you do, the key is to notice that your button just got pushed.

So what are some of the most common buttons and what do they sound like in the marriage?

  • Rejected: My spouse doesnt want me.
  • Abandoned: My spouse will ultimately leave me.
  • Failure: I am not successful at being a husband/wife.
  • Helpless: I will be controlled by my spouse.
  • Inadequate: I am incompetent.
  • Unloved: My spouse has little affection or desire for me.
  • Defective: Something is wrong with me.
  • Worthless: I have little value to my spouse.
  • Dont measure up: I am not good enough as a mate.
  • Unimportant: I am of little priority to my spouse.

And these are just a few of the buttons we may have. Actually, another word for buttons is fear. If you think about it, this shouldnt be so surprising. Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another. But the moment they disregarded Gods instructions and chose instead to follow the serpents advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other. He answered, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid (Genesis 3:10). And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since.

The reason identifying your buttons or fear is important is that it is the music that starts the dance that keeps a marriage stuck in this vicious cycle. We call this the Fear Dance. You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.

So how does the Fear Dance work? To make sure you understand the dance, lets take a look what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

Through thousands of counseling sessions, both in our clinic and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt, it also touches specific fears. When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. What we want is usually the opposite of the fear. If we fear being a failure, we want to feel successful. If we fear being rejected, we desire to feel accepted. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Dont they come from your desires that battle within you? (James 4:1).

Often your reactions triggers fears in your mate, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance. The dance looks like this diagram:

Most peopleconsciously and unconsciouslyfall into this well-worn pattern of reacting when someone pushes their fear buttons. Theyll do anything to soothe their hurt and desires. Theyll do or say anything to calm their fears.

More often than not, emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control. You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. Reactions are strategies we employ to get the other person to help us with our desires. You desperately want your wayto be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that its not merely your fears that disrupts and injures your relationships. Its how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear buttons. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

The Fear Dance works with guaranteed success every time it goes in motion. It doesnt matter what you throw at it; it works perfectly to get you right to where you dont want to be. And it does it every time, without fail.

But we shouldnt be too hard on ourselves. We do cope in unhealthy ways, but we do it with a worthy goal of keeping the relationship going. You might call such a system functionally dysfunctional. Its functional in that it keeps two people bouncing off one another. It allows them to continue some sort of interaction, even if that interaction consistently hurts. It functions in a painful, crazy kind of way. At the same time, however, its deeply dysfunctional. The relationships it creates bring tremendous pain. The Fear Dance works in that it allows the people involved to continue some sort of relationship, but it has no power to create the kind of relationships they really want.

When we describe the Fear Dance, most everyone gets it. They quickly see how destructive the Fear Dance can be. They grasp its dangers and recognize its sorry track record in their own relationships.

One of the worst things about the Fear Dance is that, eventually, it makes us dependent on other people for our happiness and fulfillment. We look to our spouse to fulfill our desires. And theres something functionally dysfunctional about such a dependency. God created us to depend on him, and as human beings we naturally gravitate toward being dependent. But theres a problem: such dependency was designed and reserved for God alone, not for our spouses or friends or bosses. So although the Fear Dance works, after a fashion, it cannot bring us to where we want to be.

The key to breaking the fear dance is to first identify your buttons, and then your reactions. Remember, you can either talk on a surface level, arguing about the issue or what the other person does that hurts or frustrates you, or you can talk about what is really driving your hurt and frustrationyour buttons. Buttons or fears can be a very useful source of information, and acknowledging and discussing your buttons can open the door to an intimate moment.

the DNA of Relationships: The joy can be yours – Part 3

Posted on September 22, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

We all want warm, fulfilling relationshipsin our marriages, in our families, in our friendships, and in the workplace. I long for you to experience and enjoy the same newfound life and vitality in relationships that Ive come to experience in the past few years as a result of applying the concepts in this book.

What a difference it can make when you understand the DNA of relationships, the relationship dances, and the five dance steps. As you join me in this delightful adventure of discovery, youll experience Gods love and power in fresh and exciting ways:

Youll learn about the amazing Power of One. Youll see how to take personal responsibility for your part in all relationships. Youll see how to become completely empowered to choose how you feel within all of your relationships. This message has completely changed our family, our staff, and our lives. We just have to send it out to the world, to churches and families and couples and singles, so that others can enjoy the same freedom and enthusiasm that were enjoying! Can you just imagine teenagersor anyone else for that matternot blaming others for being unhappy? They could learn how to be responsible for their own emotions. That would be a great day.

Youll learn about Safety, about creating an environment that feels safe, where true intimacy can take root and bloom. Youll learn how personal differences can enhance your relationship instead of causing problems and how you can adopt an attitude of curiosity that brings excitement to your life. And youll discover how to effectively and positively deal with walls that your partner may put up. Just imagine friends, couples and kids feeling completely safe to open up and share their deepest thoughts with others who love them.

Youll learn about Self-care, how God wants you to take care of yourself so that you can become a channel of his love to others. Well show you how to make sure that your internal battery is charged, ready to connect for satisfied and fulfilled relationships. Imagine a host of people learning how to take care of themselves in ways that enable them to care for others. Can you see workplaces and churches filled with people who are not expecting others to fill them up, but rather are taking care of themselves during the week and come to work or church to enrich each other?
Youll learn about Emotional Communication, a powerful communication method with the strength to eliminate the main causes of divorce and the primary causes of separation between friends. Youll learn how to connect deeply with the heart of another person. Well show you how to find the emotional nugget that leads to effective and fulfilling communication, enabling you to feel confident that you will be understood. And were going to show you how to make communication easier and more efficient than youve ever experienced! Imagine feeling that others deeply understand you.

Youll learn about Teamwork, about adopting a no-losers policy that will help you walk in harmony and complete unity with your spouse, family members, and friends so that you never again have to worry about losing an argument. Well show you how to identify the obstacles that make your relationships difficult, as well as how to clear those hurdles out of the way. Imagine families and neighbors and colleagues working through conflict in ways that dont damage relationships.
Does any of this sound appealing to you? Does it sound like something you would like in your own life?

Well, how could it not?

The DNA of Relationships: A pattern of all relationships – Part 2

Posted on September 20, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage

The exciting concepts and methods hammered out in our marriage intensives apply to all relationships, not merely to marriage. I made this discovery for myself as I saw major improvements taking place in my own home.

After seeing the results of the patterns that Greg and Bobs team had discovered, I started thinking, Wait a minute! If this material has so effectively helped me to handle my conflicts with Norma, maybe it can also help to explain why I lost some key friendships back in the seventies and eighties. I was closer than a brother to several men, and yet we fell out of fellowship and into terrible disharmony.

Dreadful memories flooded my mind, painful memories full of sadness and regret and grief. I thought of two men in particular, once dear and close friends, but from whom I had so totally disconnected that we no longer even spoke with one another. Here I was, a respected marriage and family expert, and yet I couldnt even get along with men whom I once counted my closest friends! The thought deeply embarrassed and troubled me.

As I replayed old mental tapes and pondered what might have happened between us, eventually it dawned on me. I had followed with these friends the same pattern that had caused me so much grief with my wife! I began to see how these men and I had been involved in a destructive dance. As result we simply went our separate waysangry, hurt, and confused. And so we lost a treasured friendship.

But maybe it didnt have to be that way! Maybe I could employ the same principles that worked so well with Norma to strengthen my current friendships and rebuild damaged ones!

Once I started down this mental track, a number of other things started becoming clear. I looked back over my life and thought, Oh-oh, wait a minute. I had a major conflict a couple of years ago with a pastor right in my hometown. What happened? It looks as if exactly the same pattern occurred there, too!

As my mind continued to spin, I realized that something eerily similar had been taking place in my relationships with my daughter and two sons. I saw a similar pattern that fueled our worst conflicts. Wow! I said to myself, once these ugly patterns started coming clear to me. I have to learn how to spot these things and put a stop to them before they can cause serious damage. I need to learn more about this relationship dance phenomenon. And I want to learn and master the five dance steps that make it possible for me to build harmonious, satisfying relationships.

Ive been learning ever since! And what Ive been learning and applying in my own life, I want to teach you.