ANSWER
Can you name the devil’s greatest ploy to cause trouble in relationships? I’d like to suggest two words: power struggle. And why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It’s simple. In every power struggle, participants become adversaries; they take up opposing positions. And as soon as a husband and a wife set themselves up as antagonists, Satan can just fold his arms and walk away, because he knows they will destroy each other. He’s already accomplished his dirty work.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because, from the outset, the individuals face off as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on “making a point.” Even if one member of the pair “wins” the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage “loses,” then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no other option.

Why is this so? It’s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one team member loses, every member of that team loses. If Jimmy and Bobby both play for the Lobos baseball team in a game against the Desperados, it is impossible for Jimmy to win and Bobby to lose. Either both win or both lose.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and determined to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what our colleague Bob Paul calls a “No Losers Policy.” In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction, feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It’s worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it.

Our expectations were to hit Branson at around 6pm, barbecue with my family, and then have a couple of days in Branson to play before going to Kamp. These plans were instantly changed as we sat in a parking lot trying to get a hold of a transmission repair guy. Now I want (need) to be honest at this point, so with full disclosure, my attitude stunk big time! I snapped at my wife, my children, and some poor woman driving in front of me completely clueless to why I was honking at her to get moving through the light before the van died again.

The question is, why did I get upset and snap at my family and a random female driver? Because reality and my expectations were too far a part. Is it bad to have expectations? No, not necessarily. But how are we to handle ourselves when our expectations are not met? That is the key to a healthy relationship.

It is unrealistic to think our expectations are always going to be met, because they will not. Instead of blowing up at my family and a random female driver, I could have done the following:

* Taken a time-out
This is easily the best thing we can do when our expectations are not met. We need time to gather ourselves and to begin the process of choosing the best reaction possible. If you do not take the time to think about your reactions, your reactions will most likely be hurtful and immature (i.e. honking at a random female driver). A time-out gives you perspective and also gives time for the Holy Spirit to give you guidance in how you could respond.

* Adjusted my expectations on the fly
The moment I realized that my expectations were not going to be met, I could have begun the process of adjusting my expectations. I could have realized that getting to Branson on Friday was no longer possible, so how could I make the best out of the current situation. Asking yourself the question, “How can I make the best out of this situation?” is a great way to adjust expectations.

* Prayed
I know, prayer always seems to be the answer, but guess what, it always is the answer! I think the evil one wants us to feel like mentioning prayer is trivial, but it is not, and should always be utilized when things get out-of-hand. I could have cried out to God in my moment of need and let the Holy Spirit do the job the Holy Spirit does, to influence and guide me through the fog of unmet expectations.

2. Understand, as much as possible, what the other person has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your mate feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something. The best way to accomplish this is by using the “Drive-through Talking” technique described on p. 18.

3. Admit the person has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A person feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Touch the person gently. If you try to touch someone with a spirit knotted in anger, you will find out just how deep the hurt is. The first response may very well be a stiffening or pulling away—but persistent softness expressed in meaningful touches, like the gentle massage of a knotted muscle, can go a long way toward draining anger and negative feelings.

5. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response. The final step is to give the person the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and she allows you to touch her.

April 15, 2010 — Despite saving us time, fast food may make us impatient and more likely to seek instant gratification, new research finds.

University of Toronto researchers Chen-Bo Zhong, PhD, and Sanford E. DeVoe, PhD, conducted a trio of experiments before coming to that conclusion in a report published in Psychological Science.

The first experiment found that exposure to fast-food symbols increases reading speed even when there’s no pressure to read fast. In the experiment, they randomly assigned 57 college students to look at the center of a computer screen but ignore the corners. Those in the fast-food group were exposed to fast-food logos, flashed in the corners too quickly for the conscious mind to register the images. Those in the comparison group looked at blank squares in the corners. Next, when they all read a passage, those exposed to the logos had a faster reading speed.

You can read the whole article here.

23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word!  I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving.  Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse?  Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

LADIES ONLY PLEASE

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives.  I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience.  Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than woman do.  It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves.  Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better.  My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“.  We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better.  This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen.  Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives.  The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner.  Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex, we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we thing, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together, could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?”  Proverbs 15:23; 28 23 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.”

Validating is saying things like, “Yes, I totally hear what you’re saying. Is there anything you need from me?” Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife.  Most wives just want to be heard and validated.  All you’ve been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

Where most people get stuck on learning how to validate is figuring out that validation does not mean you agree with your spouse’s feelings or needs, but rather that you understand what they are and accept them.  Validation says to your spouse, “I love you, I hear what you’re saying, so what can I do for you now?”

We must allow our spouse to experience her own feelings and needs.  We can not get involved with justifying, defending, or arguing about our spouse’s feelings or needs.  What does this look like on a practical level? If your spouse comes to you and say something like, “Hey, last night at the party I really felt ignored.”  You can not say in return things like, “Well, I felt ignored too!” or “Let me explain what happened…if you would just listen to my side of the story…”  These kinds of statements only push us farther apart and make our relationship dissatisfying.

What we need to say are things like, “I am so sorry you felt ignored last night.”  ”It was not my intention to ignore you last night, but obviously, I came across that way.  What do you need from me to repair this?”  Couples need to stop arguing about the facts and simply worry about validating the feelings of their spouses.

I know some of you reading this are saying to yourselves, “Yea, but Michael, you don’t understand how ridiculous my spouse is!” I’m sorry that your spouse is frustrating you, but here’s the reality, the more you invalidate, the worse whatever the issue is gets.  Validation is like a puffer fish.  When your spouse feels hurt from something (fair or unfair) they puff up in defense.  Validation helps the puffer fish relax and get back to normal size.

For marriage choices it narrows down to two critical things every married individual must exercise: unconditional love and personal responsibility. Unconditional love means you accept and cherish your mate as he or she is. Personal responsibility means you take charge of correcting your own faults instead of your mate’s. That, in a nutshell, is it. Intimacy, happiness, growth, communication and all the other vital aspects of a good marriage grow out of these two choices. If both partners recognize this fact, there will be no victims in the marriage. Each person’s happiness will rest entirely in his or her own hands. And the end result is the safety and security that every marriage must have in order to thrive.

Do you believe this? Really believe this? Since it’s my contention that all behavior is a result of what we believe, this is a crucial question. Do you believe that you can take personal responsibility for the success of your marriage? If you don’t, then you must believe the opposite—that your spouse or circumstances are in control of what happens to you. You must believe that you are a victim. Therefore you must react and put the blame on your mate when the marriage does not meet your expectations. This is a tragedy, because when you blame your mate you not only divest yourself of your responsibility, you also reduce the choices you have to change the relationship. You forfeit the ability to control your own destiny.

So if you want your marriage to be the most exciting and rewarding journey of your life, the question to ask is not whether your mate is doing enough to make the marriage work, but rather: Are you loving your mate unconditionally by taking responsibility for your role in the relationship? A good way to turn this intention into a commitment is to make a promise of it. Promise to look at yourself first, to take responsibility for your own part of the marriage, and to stop trying to change your mate. Such a promise puts legs on unconditional love. It says you are willing to put your personal dreams and needs on hold for a while and make what’s best for the relationship a priority.

These images of love leave us with serious myths, such as:

• Passion equals love. Most people love something that is new.
• My lover should meet all my needs. This is impossible and the reverse is true. No human can meet your needs. Only God can do that.
• Once love dies, you can’t get it back. The emotion of love may get blasted by words and hurt but the commitment of love should be rock solid.
• Chemistry is all that matters. Chemistry should be the last thing you trust.
• Love conquers all. God love conquers all but our love is not consistent.
• When things get tough, it means you have the wrong partner. This is the most selfish kind of love. Giving love is not dependent on your partner’s response. Certainly people would have been the wrong partner for God but He loved us in spite of our flaws.
• My lover should make me happy. True happiness can only come from God. People are not capable of providing happiness.
• Once in love, you stay on a high forever. This myth puts incredible pressure on the other person. This is not genuine love.
• Love is a feeling, and you either have it, or you don’t. Love is a decision and you commit to honor and care for someone no matter what their response is to you.

These are all lies, or at best, gross misunderstandings of the true nature of love. The chemistry plays out. You eventually come off the high of infatuation. But that does not mean that love is dead. Not at all. In fact, it may be just beginning. It looks dead only because our expectations lead us to misunderstand the way love grows. It grows over time and through our commitment. The better we understand what love really is, the better we adapt to lives changes and keep that love alive.

Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of a person made in God’s image. God created each one of us as a one-of-a-kind person with unique gifts and a unique personality. He sees each of us as precious and valuable because he sees the innate worth he built into us.
When God brought to Adam the newly created Eve in all her naked glory, can you imagine what he thought? Wow! When God said he’d give me a companion, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine anything like this. Man, what a treasure! Can you imagine the tingling thrill Adam must have felt the moment he first touched her?
Now, think back. Didn’t you feel the same way when you married your mate? Didn’t it feel as if you had discovered a cave filled with priceless gold, silver, diamonds, and sparkling gemstones? And it was true. When you married, you received a treasure of unfathomable worth. You will never be able to understand all the wonders God has given you in your marriage partner. Just the physical differences alone are unimaginable. The cells, organs, hormones, features, and shape all combine into a magnificent being who has value above that of the angels. As the scriptures say, “You are a marvelous creation, a spectacular wonder with splendor above the worth of all creation.” Adam was right to gape in wonder when he first saw Eve. You were right to gape in wonder when you married your mate. And maintaining that wonder is critically important, because it means you are still finding in your husband or wife reasons for honor.
Picture your mate as personally autographed by God. Wouldn’t you feel thrilled to be seen with someone who bore God’s personal autograph? Wouldn’t you want to have your picture taken with such a person and hang that picture in a prominent place on your wall? Once you start thinking like God and realize the supreme value of that other person in your life, your treatment of him or her will be much like bending your knee in the presence of a highly honored person or giving a standing ovation to a soloist after an outstanding concert. When you look for the good and the honorable in your mate, you will find it, because it is there. God instilled his glory into each one of us.
Adam and Eve’s value was enormous as shown by God’s creation and love for them, but sin changed all that because they “showed God by their actions” the age-old, basic sin of all mankind, “God, we don’t trust your ways any more; we’ll go our way and you go yours.” But by taking this action, they tarnished the glory that God had built into them in the same way that rust ruins the glistening sheen of steel. C.S. Lewis reminded us, however, that the original glory is still there, lying just beneath the surface of every human, waiting for the day it will again be brought into the open. He said that in all our everyday dealings with each other, we must “…remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. There are no ordinary people.” When we look at each other, it’s all too easy to see only the rust on the surface—the irritating habits, the failures, the broken promises—and forget that beneath the tarnish the true steel is still intact. All the glory that God created into us is still there, waiting for the moment when that coating of sin is scoured away. As we are transformed more and more into his image, we actually start looking more and more like him and reflecting his loving nature.
You can learn to see this inner, godlike glory that God’s own hand infused into your mate. It may not be easily visible at first, but when we look past the failures and weaknesses and affirm the immense value he created into every one of us, we see that honoring each other is appropriate. When I choose to look at the inner value of my wife, I’m simply looking at her as God looks at me. And I’m so very glad he sees me as he does. I would cringe to think that he sees only my weaknesses and judges me by my stumblings and bumblings. Instead he sees my potential, my innate worth, complete with all the godlikeness he instilled into me originally. Honor is so simple, really. All we need do is look at each other as God looks at us. When you develop that kind of honor for your mate, you help create a secure environment in which great relationships can flourish.
The Apostle Paul encouraged the early Christians to build their relationships on this kind of honor when he wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10).

This is the key to real, lasting love in your marriage: change yourself first and accept your mate unconditionally just the way he or she is. Then as you work with God to become more like Him, watch how your mate will eventually try to emulate you. But don’t do this just to change your mate; do it for yourself and for your own personal relationship with God. By taking responsibility for your actions and changing even small behaviors, you demonstrate unconditional love and thus create an emotionally secure atmosphere in which your marriage can thrive. Pushing your spouse to change in order to make you feel safer is hardly the way of unconditional love. When you want to change your mate, 99.99% of the time there’s a selfish motive behind it. Expecting him or her to change to meet your expectations is putting self first, and if your mate does the same thing, then you have two selves in conflict, each fighting to fulfill his or her own needs. The only way to improve the relationship is to shine the spotlight on yourself and expose your own faults and weaknesses. Your mate may not want to deal with his or her problems, but you will be surprised at how great an impact your own example can have when you choose to deal with your own. You must not give in to hopelessness and helplessness even if you are convinced that your partner is the real problem. Even if that is true, by changing yourself, you can affect things dramatically and positively. I can hardly wait for you to reach chapter 6, because there I’ll show you the easiest and fastest way possible to change anything about yourself.
Here’s why you will influence change in your mate when you change yourself. As one person makes changes, those changes have a ripple effect on the other simply because your lives are connected and interact at many levels. Over time, you and your mate have shaped each other’s behavior by consciously and unconsciously rewarding some behaviors and punishing others. Habits of behavior have been established. Patterns of relating ingrained. In every marriage these patterns cause the relationship to achieve a certain kind of complementary balance. I don’t mean it’s necessarily a formal balance with equality of happiness and responsibility on both sides. One partner may be very aggressive and even overbearing, while the other responds by becoming very passive and compliant. By balance I mean that the two partner’s attributes and responses adjust to accommodate each other. And they maintain some kind of equilibrium that way. Therefore, if one partner changes, the relationship changes, because the other automatically moves to adjust and maintain the balance.
So, when you take it upon yourself to change, you automatically change the balance of the marriage, and your mate must also change in order to maintain equilibrium. Even the slightest change is like adding a weight to one side of the balance. Your partner will sense the imbalance, feel uncomfortable, and adjust. I’ll admit that now and then the partner’s adjustment is for the worse. But not usually. When you make a truly positive change, it’s highly likely that the corresponding change your partner makes will also be positive.
There are two kinds of changes you can make to improve a relationship: you can either increase pleasure or decrease pain. To put it in behaviorist’s terms, you can eliminate undesirable behaviors or increase desirable ones. The latter approach is not only more effective, it’s also easier. It’s much easier to do more of something a partner likes than to stop doing something he hates. And research indicates that this approach works better. Adding loving behaviors will reduce annoying ones.
Sometimes your mate may resist your new behavior. He or she might find even positive changes threatening simply because the balance has been upset. But if you persevere and remain consistent with your change, chances are excellent that your mate will eventually come around and change his or her behavior too, and most often in a positive direction. This is what I call the “principle of reciprocity.” When you do even simple random acts of kindness, such as back rubs, washing the dishes, giving flowers, or making a favorite dessert, your partner is likely to respond in a positive way. Your behavior influences your mate’s behavior, and your mate’s behavior rewards your behavior, making you want to reciprocate. It’s not a vicious circle; it’s a delicious circle.

If I’m honest I can’t say that every time Michael gave me a gentle answer I turned from my wrath. So does it mean that this scripture doesn’t apply to me or us? I know that’s not the right answer but that’s how I feel. As a Christ follower, I am confronted with my own questioning and doubt in this area of my life. And as we hear from so many of you I hear your frustration of wanting and doing the right thing- like turning away anger with a gentle response. So what gives?

When I don’t know the answers to my questions I go back to a prayer I have prayed since high school. “God give me wisdom and understanding.” Solomon was the wisest and richest man that supposedly ever lived. He seemed like a great person to pattern my life after. He was rich and he made wise choices. Asking for wisdom is like a buy one get three free coupon. I ask for wisdom but what I get has multiple positive outcomes.

Gaining wisdom helps me gain perspective. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Remember Orpheus asking Neal if he wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill? Neal chose to see the alternate dimension that was a reality he wasn’t aware of before. I like to think of wisdom as choosing to see the multiple layers of the human condition that is happening all around. I want to know why so I can understand and possibly react in a way that might help that person make a better choice. Some of you may be married to someone like me who flies off the handle- I’m not physically abusive but my words can pierce like an arrow. I am learning how to deal with my tongue and can see the freedom of taking responsibility for my tone, my harshness, my unrealistic expectations, etc. that drive people away from me.

It is in my nature to want to fight, to pursue, and to finish what I start. I’m not a quitter and in the past I felt like if I stopped an argument I was giving up—so I left my Michael verbally bloodied and bruised. I’m not saying he didn’t throw a few verbal punishes my way, but I was the professional at anger, and still am, unfortunately. So what has made a difference? Michael’s gentle answers, firm boundaries, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit have set me up to succeed. If you know someone who struggles with a temper like me- I want you to feel the freedom to stand up for yourself. If the person you love is a Christ follower then by confronting the person in love you are keeping them from sinning against you.

I suggest you start taking some time to think and pray about what to say. Second, pick the right time and place. And then when you are ready, humbly approach the person by saying something like, “I recognize our relationship has been difficult and there are some things I want to do differently. ___________ Fill in the blank with something personal you want to change that doesn’t blame, shame, or criticize your spouse. “I don’t want to allow things to build up and for me to become more resentful. I want to commit to handling myself better.” Then, and only then, share your need for change in the dynamic of your relationship. You might say something like, “I need us to commit to allowing each other to take a time-out when either one of us feels like the conversation isn’t going well. I will commit to coming back to the topic at a specified time, but I cannot allow us to demean each other like we have in the past. It is not good for you or me to get out of hand like we have.” (The “we” statements will help the other person not feel totally at fault- remember it’s not about assigning blame it’s about setting a boundary)

If your spouse shuts down and seems to punish you when you share hurtful feelings then approaching the situation with prayer, good timing, and vulnerability looks a little different. When I do it right I say things like this to Michael when I know he is shut down, “It seems like you are really upset right now. I want to let you know when you are ready to talk I will be open to hearing your feelings and needs.” Then I walk away and leave the ball in his court. He has tested me for a while but if I don’t act mad or upset he usually opens up and let’s me know what is bothering him. If days were to go by and I could still tell he was shut down then I would call in back up, like our small group or a trusted mentor.

I recently visited with a couple where the man shut down because he felt that by not engaging, he was being loving because he wasn’t adding to the chaos of the argument. If this is the case please try to understand that not engaging might be sending the message of not caring. His intention may very well be to care enough to not allow chaos to rein or to hurt the relationship more than what it was currently experiencing. But it might just send the wrong signal and end up hurting the relationship anyways. I like to call this behavior the “peace at all cost” type.

The war rages underneath the pleasant and many times not so pleasant surface. If you identify with this scenario know those around you feel the tension and the jabs you take at each other. Your kids rarely miss jabs.

So to finish this post, I think the thing that has changed the most in me is my self-justification of my anger. I no longer blame others for my poor response. I recognize the absolute dishonor and sin that it is. There’s something about agreeing with God and allowing Him to use my sin to draw me into a more humble attitude. I no longer want to tolerate my anger as just “how I am.” I am a child of a King, dearly loved, and called by my Father to love others fully and completely. And allowing my defensive, critical, and blaming attitude does not produce the righteous life God desires.

I have been set free to love others- even when I’m cranky- I really do have a choice and the more I recognize it the more freedom I have through Christ to live free from the bondage of my anger or expectations of others. My slavery probably looks different than many of yours but my deliverer doesn’t. I love this verse “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery Gal. 5:1.

If you really want to learn how to resolve conflict and to improve your marital satisfaction, then check out our Embrace series instant download.  You get our full seminar for couples on audio, powerpoint files, handouts, and a great workbook that you can print out as many times as you want! Click here to purchase today for only $49.95!