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If you could change one thing about your spouse, what would it be?

Posted on April 21, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Featured, Forgiveness, Intimacy, Marriage

This post is about helping you let go of complaints about your spouse. So let it all out! But remember to keep these ideas private from your mate, because ultimately, the biggest thing you can do to impact your marriage is worry more about your issues than your spouse’s issues.

The greatest advice no one wants to hear

Posted on March 26, 2010 by in Featured, Forgiveness, Marriage

You feel stuck.  Your marriage is no where near what you dreamed it would be.  Your satisfaction has dropped to an all time low.  What do you do now?

The greatest advice no one wants to hear is that of taking personal responsibility for your own thoughts, actions, and emotions.  When your spouse is hurting your feelings or frustrating you, it is difficult to hear someone say, “I hear what you’re saying, but where do you need to change?”  But this question is exactly the question that is going to get your relationship headed in the right direction.

Until you recognize that God alone changes people (especially your spouse), you will remain stuck in your relationship.  The worst posture we can take in our marriage is when we point the finger and blame.  When we look at our spouse and think, “You are both the problem and the solution to my sadness.”  What this means is that we look at our spouse’s poor behavior and believe that if only they would change, then we could be happy.  But this is a lie!

The only thing you can do to truly make an impact on your marriage is work night and day on being the best husband or wife possible.  What other choice do you have?  If you enter into the dysfunction of your spouse, then things are guaranteed to get worse.  If you decide to do the right thing (patience, mercy, kindness, forgiveness) then at least you are setting up the relationship to change for the better.

What do you think keeps you from working on yourself?

Tiger can thank his sister-in-law for his marriage and so can you!

Posted on March 11, 2010 by in Celebrity Love, Forgiveness

I was browsing my marriage articles I read each week and found this post by Perez Hilton (who I certainly do not endorse, but found the article led me to some important insights):

Then, her twin sister, Josefin, came to her and persuaded her not to file the papers while she was so emotional. She urged Elin to think of the children and let the papers sit until she could make the decision rationally, rather than out of anger. Then, when Tiger finally came to Elin to apologize, it was Josefin who insisted that she could repair her marriage if she wanted to.

Read More: Tiger Has His Sister-In-Law To Thank For His Marriage! | PerezHilton.com http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-11-tiger-has-his-sister-in-law-to-thank-for-his-marriage#ixzz0hw2dnpiB
Celebrity Juice, Not from Concentrate

Why was this post important? Because every marriage needs a Josefin.  Whether this post is true or not, does not matter to me.  Because  the point is true, we all need someone in our lives that encourages us to stay together whether that be for the kids, our own lives, or something else.  Too many marriages end in divorce when they do not need to end in divorce.  Sometimes we need to suck it up and hang in there, patiently waiting for God to change our spouse’s heart.

If we bail too quickly, we run the risk of missing out on a miracle or our spouse’s change of heart.  What’s the rush? Slow down and take your time.  Divorce is so painful, and frankly, it practically always makes things worse.  There’s no need to rush to divorce.  Let the “Josefins” in your life encourage you when you need encouragement the most.

How can you handle difficult people?

Posted on March 9, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Featured, Forgiveness, Marriage

There are times in every person’s life when people feel difficult.  They hurt your feelings, let you down, frustrate you, and simply mess with you.  What do you do?  How do you respond?  What’s the best way to handle a difficult person?  Check out 2 Timothy 2:23-26:

23 Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people.25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

The bible is full of brilliant advice on how to handle your relationships, the difficult part is following through and being obedient to the word!  I am truly convinced, after 15 years of working with couples in conflict, that the best thing you can do when frustrated with your spouse is be patient and loving.  Unless you are being abused emotionally or physically, of course.

How could you live 2 Timothy 2:24 this week with your spouse?  Leave a comment and let us know what you want to do this week to love your spouse like you are challenged in 2 Timothy.

Does Tiger Woods deserve another chance?

Posted on March 5, 2010 by in Celebrity Love, Forgiveness

The Daily Record is reporting that Tiger’s wife, Elin, is giving the marriage another try:

The wife of shamed golfer Tiger Woods is set to move back in with him. Friends of Swedish model Elin yesterday revealed she was prepared to give their troubled marriage another shot. Since Tiger’s string of affairs became public, Elin, 30, has been living in a rented mansion near their home in Windermere, in Orlando, Florida. Celebrity website RadarOnline claim she agreed earlier this week to move back into the family home with their two children. Relations had been thawing in recent weeks. On Wednesday, the couple spent around three hours together at the family home, a source claimed. They were in the backyard and at one point Tiger, 34, kissed Elin three times on the cheek and they hugged. However, Elin has yet to put back on her wedding ring.

Does Tiger deserve another chance? Absolutely! No one is unredeemable, especially if they do the work necessary to repair the damage.  As long as he’s not being abusive currently (either physically, emotionally, or contuing with the affairs) then he deserves another chance.  What do you all think?  We’ve written a few posts on the Tiger situation here.

Does Tiger deserve another go?  What say you…either leave us a comment or vote in our poll.

The Secrets to a Secure Marriage

Posted on January 17, 2010 by in Communication, Forgiveness

Studies have shown various stages of love such as—the delight of infatuation, the challenge of post-rapture, the excitement of discovery, or the blessings of connection. No matter what stage of love you are in the key to dealing with the inevitable changes inherent in each is to focus on creating a secure environment for your relationship.

All the behavioral skills in the world won’t pump life back into an ailing marriage if the couple doesn’t trust each other, if they don’t feel safe, unconditionally loved, valued, and understood. In fact, some couples I’ve counseled used their newfound communication skills to fight more effectively. Now, I’m not saying marriage skills aren’t helpful. I teach them frequently through seminars, interviews and books I have written. What I am saying is that unless couples feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected, all the skill building books and conferences in the world will fail to help them build the kind of marriage God wants for them.

And just what is the secret to building this kind of marriage? Unconditionally love. Love without condemnation. It’s the hardest kind of love to give, but the one that brings all the blessings you can hold. Would you like one good reason why you should love that blundering, frustrating, badly flawed spouse of yours unconditionally? It’s simple…because he or she needs it. When a baby is born, we love that child because he needs it. When people are starving, we feed them because they are hungry. When a friend is in emotional distress, we comfort her. And that’s the reason Jesus expressed His unconditional love for us on the cross . . . because we needed it.

He didn’t require anything from us first. As He said, even “sinners” love the people who love them. The real test is how well we love someone who does not love us well. That is the true calling of Christ (Luke 6:32-33). A safe marriage is one in which each partner loves the other simply because he or she needs it. That is the best kind of love and the secret to a secure marriage.

A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath… Really?

Posted on January 8, 2010 by in Communication, Conflict Resolution, Forgiveness

I reconnected with an old friend today. This verse in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stirs up anger.” I was challenged to look back and see if we’ve made any progress in putting this message into practice. As I look back on the last 15 years of my marriage to Michael I see many times I’ve blown it and blown up at Michael, the kids or others. And there have been some victories as well when I have held my tongue, turned the other cheek, and responded with patience and gentleness.

If I’m honest I can’t say that every time Michael gave me a gentle answer I turned from my wrath. So does it mean that this scripture doesn’t apply to me or us? I know that’s not the right answer but that’s how I feel. As a Christ follower, I am confronted with my own questioning and doubt in this area of my life. And as we hear from so many of you I hear your frustration of wanting and doing the right thing- like turning away anger with a gentle response. So what gives?

When I don’t know the answers to my questions I go back to a prayer I have prayed since high school. “God give me wisdom and understanding.” Solomon was the wisest and richest man that supposedly ever lived. He seemed like a great person to pattern my life after. He was rich and he made wise choices. Asking for wisdom is like a buy one get three free coupon. I ask for wisdom but what I get has multiple positive outcomes.

Gaining wisdom helps me gain perspective. Do you remember the Matrix movie? Remember Orpheus asking Neal if he wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill? Neal chose to see the alternate dimension that was a reality he wasn’t aware of before. I like to think of wisdom as choosing to see the multiple layers of the human condition that is happening all around. I want to know why so I can understand and possibly react in a way that might help that person make a better choice. Some of you may be married to someone like me who flies off the handle- I’m not physically abusive but my words can pierce like an arrow. I am learning how to deal with my tongue and can see the freedom of taking responsibility for my tone, my harshness, my unrealistic expectations, etc. that drive people away from me.

It is in my nature to want to fight, to pursue, and to finish what I start. I’m not a quitter and in the past I felt like if I stopped an argument I was giving up—so I left my Michael verbally bloodied and bruised. I’m not saying he didn’t throw a few verbal punishes my way, but I was the professional at anger, and still am, unfortunately. So what has made a difference? Michael’s gentle answers, firm boundaries, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit have set me up to succeed. If you know someone who struggles with a temper like me- I want you to feel the freedom to stand up for yourself. If the person you love is a Christ follower then by confronting the person in love you are keeping them from sinning against you.

I suggest you start taking some time to think and pray about what to say. Second, pick the right time and place. And then when you are ready, humbly approach the person by saying something like, “I recognize our relationship has been difficult and there are some things I want to do differently. ___________ Fill in the blank with something personal you want to change that doesn’t blame, shame, or criticize your spouse. “I don’t want to allow things to build up and for me to become more resentful. I want to commit to handling myself better.” Then, and only then, share your need for change in the dynamic of your relationship. You might say something like, “I need us to commit to allowing each other to take a time-out when either one of us feels like the conversation isn’t going well. I will commit to coming back to the topic at a specified time, but I cannot allow us to demean each other like we have in the past. It is not good for you or me to get out of hand like we have.” (The “we” statements will help the other person not feel totally at fault- remember it’s not about assigning blame it’s about setting a boundary)

If your spouse shuts down and seems to punish you when you share hurtful feelings then approaching the situation with prayer, good timing, and vulnerability looks a little different. When I do it right I say things like this to Michael when I know he is shut down, “It seems like you are really upset right now. I want to let you know when you are ready to talk I will be open to hearing your feelings and needs.” Then I walk away and leave the ball in his court. He has tested me for a while but if I don’t act mad or upset he usually opens up and let’s me know what is bothering him. If days were to go by and I could still tell he was shut down then I would call in back up, like our small group or a trusted mentor.

I recently visited with a couple where the man shut down because he felt that by not engaging, he was being loving because he wasn’t adding to the chaos of the argument. If this is the case please try to understand that not engaging might be sending the message of not caring. His intention may very well be to care enough to not allow chaos to rein or to hurt the relationship more than what it was currently experiencing. But it might just send the wrong signal and end up hurting the relationship anyways. I like to call this behavior the “peace at all cost” type.

The war rages underneath the pleasant and many times not so pleasant surface. If you identify with this scenario know those around you feel the tension and the jabs you take at each other. Your kids rarely miss jabs.

So to finish this post, I think the thing that has changed the most in me is my self-justification of my anger. I no longer blame others for my poor response. I recognize the absolute dishonor and sin that it is. There’s something about agreeing with God and allowing Him to use my sin to draw me into a more humble attitude. I no longer want to tolerate my anger as just “how I am.” I am a child of a King, dearly loved, and called by my Father to love others fully and completely. And allowing my defensive, critical, and blaming attitude does not produce the righteous life God desires.

I have been set free to love others- even when I’m cranky- I really do have a choice and the more I recognize it the more freedom I have through Christ to live free from the bondage of my anger or expectations of others. My slavery probably looks different than many of yours but my deliverer doesn’t. I love this verse “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery Gal. 5:1.

If you really want to learn how to resolve conflict and to improve your marital satisfaction, then check out our Embrace series instant download.  You get our full seminar for couples on audio, powerpoint files, handouts, and a great workbook that you can print out as many times as you want! Click here to purchase today for only $49.95!

Hope for women suffering in a hurtful marriage

Posted on December 16, 2009 by in Conflict Resolution, Forgiveness, Sexual Intimacy, Video Podcasts

If you feel stuck and in a miserable marriage because some sort of tragedy has happened (like finding out about an affair), then watch and see what Amy Smalley has to say to encourage you!