Now for the marriage tip.  The best “emotional” way to get things heated up in the bedroom is to simply be a servant.  When you make the needs and desires of your wife number one in your life, she will naturally want to open up sexually.  When your wife feels valued and cared for, she also feels turned on.

But there’s more!

I found out once that if I’m being a really great father, that also turns my wife on!  This one was difficult for me to understand at first, and it even felt a little creepy.  But it is totally true!  The more my wife sees me playing with the kids and caring for their needs, the more she desires me sexually. She once interrupted one of my famous “smack downs” with the kids to whisper the following statement in my ear, “Watching you play with the kids right now is really turning me on.”  What?  I almost dropped my youngest on the floor.  But don’t think for a minute that I stopped playing.  The more I played, the more I got to play later on (if you no what I mean)!

Amy and I are currently writing a book for Focus on the Family titled, “A Simple Solution to a Happy Marriage”.  The book’s premise is quite simple.  The power of one.  What is the power of one?  It is a husband or wife who is willing to take responsibility for his or her actions, no matter what the other person is doing.

If you want things to change, then change yourself first.  Do not get sucked in to the lie that your spouse has to change in order for the marriage or you to get better.  You have tremendous influence over your spouse through your loving actions.  Do the right thing in your marriage and you can not lose.  Loving your spouse when your spouse is not “earning” love, is probably the greatest most powerful thing you could ever do!

Nothing feels worse than finding out that your spouse’s kind gesture was really just a ploy to get something out of you.  I know that some of you are thinking that no one is truly selfless.  That everyone does good because they get something out of it.  I’m not completely in that camp.  I do believe we can do things for our spouse that are truly selfless.  I believe this because we are made in God’s image, which must mean we have glimpses and moments of true greatness that transcend our current brokenness.

When is the last time you and your mate went on a date (rhyming done purposefully)?  I bet the longer you have to go back and think about the last time you two went out the less satisfied you are compared to a couple who frequently go out on dates.  Gottman shows this in his research and others are discovering this as well (including my own brother).

So what is keeping you from going out on a date?  The excuses I’ve hear throughout the years are like, “We don’t have enough time.” “Our kids take up too much energy.”  ”We don’t have fun together because we always get in to a major discussion when we do get time alone.”  Hogwash! There is no excuse good enough to keep you from at least two date nights a month (preferably 4 dates a month).  Do not give me sob stories of how busy you are in life, change your schedule.  You are in charge of where and how you spend your time.  If your kids are involved in too many activities, then cut them back from a few of them.  What a great lesson to teach your kids.  A balanced schedule equals a balanced life.

If you get in to conflict every time you go out together, then stop doing that! Date nights or fun times together should be kept sacred from conflict.  Do not wait to share things with each other until you get alone time while on a date.  It is a horrible idea to try and resolve conflict during fun time, because trying to resolve conflict during fun time ruins the fun time.  Agree with each other that you will not discuss any major things (negative things) while out on a date.  My wife and I do this very agreement with each other every time we go out on a date.  We even shake hands in agreement that we will not have conflict.

My last bit of advice for this tip is to schedule time together.  If you do not get a date night on your calendar on a regular day, it will not happen.  You must be purposeful with the important things in life, and this is one of them.

SPECIAL SECTION

What do you do for fun together? Let other readers know so they can have creative date night ideas as well.  Just to clarify, I’m not talking about spending lots of money each date night having dinner and going to a movie.  Date nights can also consist of hanging out at home and doing something purposeful together.  So what are your ideas? Share them below as a comment.

How is your marriage?  Is it just good enough?  On a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being miserable and 10 being awesome) where would you rank your marriage today? Think seriously about these questions because they are important to the overall satisfaction of your marriage.  If you do not know where you are, how will you ever get anywhere?  Couples do not ask each other enough where their marriage is on a scale from 1 to 10.

No matter where your rank is, do not panic, just take note of the score and then ask what needs to happen for the marriage to get better.  You are your own marriage manual and only you know what it will take to improve the marriage for you.  So ask yourself how it’s going and then do something about it.  Stop waiting for your spouse to change, do some changing on your own and see how that impacts your marriage.  Why sit on the sideline when you can be in the game of becoming the kind of spouse you want to be married to.

If you watch the news or read the tabloids, then you are well aware of the issues plaguing Jon and Kate from the hit reality show Jon and Kate plus 8. We’ve been contacted by several friends telling us to offer to help them with one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. Unfortunately, we do not know them or how to get in contact with them.

So I felt like I should write this tip. First of all, do not believe anything you read in the tabloids. I have several close friends who are tabloid magnets, in a major way, and I can assure you that the rumors and lies spread through the tabloids are obscene and totally false! Who knows what is really going on with Jon and Kate, and I would suggest we all hold on assumptions until we hear it directly from them.

What advice would I give Jon and Kate? Ask for help. If you need help, then reach out and search someone who can help you avoid divorce (if that is really what is happening for them). The worst mistake couples make when they are facing a trial in their marriage is when they shut out the world and begin believing they are the only ones hurting. Lots of couples are hurting and we all need to be more authentic with our pain.

The second bit of advice I would give to Jon and Kate would be to slow down and take a step back. When your marriage is in trouble, the best thing you can do is to figure what you have done to contribute. The more you point fingers and blame your spouse, the worse your marriage is going to get. Take personal responsibility for your own actions. This will cause your spouse to relax and it will create an opportunity for self-reflection.

For all you men who took this title the wrong way, shame on you =]

Sometimes I feel like I’m the last one to the party, do you ever feel that way? It’s like everyone else on the planet knows about something, except me! A friend of mine told me a few months back about her bible study method called S.O.A.P. She learned this method from our pastor, Ken Werlein, who I believe learned it from a pastor, Dr. Wayne Cordeiro, of New Hope Christian Fellowship on the big island of O’ahu.

Here’s the essence of this bible study method:

• S – Scripture – Read scripture as much as you can. One of the more helpful ideas of the letter S is that you need to find a bible reading plan that suits you. So instead of just opening your bible and trying to find something to read, be directed in your reading. I personally love YouVersion.com. It is an awesome online bible site that you need to check out if you haven’t already. But YouVersion.com has a daily reading schedule that if you followed every day for 365 days in a row, you’d get through the bible in a year.
• O – Observation – While you’re reading the daily verses, make notes of what God is wanting you to learn.  Keep a journal handy so you can jot down your thoughts and reactions to the scripture you’re reading.  This is another reason I absolutely love youversion.com!  There is a very handy function that allows you to click on a specific verse and then make a journal entry on that verse specifically.  If you ever want to check out your journal entries, you can do so at a later time and remember what God was teaching you that day.  It’s always good to have a refresher.
• A – Action (Action is my word, but it goes along with the original word of Apply.  I just like the word action better.) –  I love this part of SOAP because it forces you to act on what you have learned through your reading.  In fact, I took action today and I can already see how God is blessing my decision and action!
• P – Prayer – Once you’ve written down your thoughts and figured out what your action could be, it is time to pray.  Always remember that when you pray, start off by asking God to forgive you of your sins.  Maybe God even highlighted something in your life that you need to repent of during your reading time, this is your opportunity to talk with God and give it over to Him.  You can also just spend time in silence, listening to God’s voice.  We do not have enough silence in our lives.  Silence is golden (to steal a line from Hollywood)!

How does this method help your marriage?  The more time you focus on God the less trouble your marriage will feel.  It is easy to get out of balance with issues and problems in our marriage.  Turning our hearts and eyes toward God through study and prayer gives us fresh eyes and perspective on whatever is going on in our marriage.

Have you asked your spouse how your marriage is doing lately? If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, the question would sound something like, “Hey, can we talk for a minute? I would love to know how you feel our marriage is doing. On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being miserable and 10 being phenomenal, what would you rate our overall marriage today?”

Do not panic about the answer. It is just an answer for how things are doing at this moment. If you’re at a 5 or below, then I’d suggest something like our Marriage Restoration Intensive or another counseling like program. If it is between a 6 and 7, then you might need to just ask what it would take to get the number higher and then do those things. If you are at an 8 or higher, then keep up the good work!

We need to check in with our spouse from time to time to see how our marriage is doing. Even though we might feel like it is doing great, we do not know how our spouse feels until we ask. Never assume you know what your spouse is feeling or thinking. Always ask questions. So have you asked your spouse lately? If so, leave a comment and let me know how it went (good or bad).

So why is it so difficult to pray together, especially if it is so powerful? I will give you three common reasons couples do not pray together as I’ve experience through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program:

1. Couples do not know how to pray together so they get frustrated or intimidated.
   If you do not know how to pray, you will not be encouraged to pray – especially with your spouse.  Prayer is not difficult, but it is extremely intimate.  One of the most common mistakes I see in individuals who feel intimidated or weak in their prayer is how they compare themselves to other “more spiritual” people.  Do not get in to the compare game.  God loves you for you.  God did not create you uniquely so you would become more like someone else.  God just wants you! Be yourself and don’t worry if your prayer time looks, sounds, feels, and last less/longer than other people you respect spiritually.  God loves you unconditionally and just wants your attention.  Prayer is a great way to give God attention.
2. Couples do not acknowledge the spiritual warfare keeping them from praying together.
   Satan does not, and I repeat, does not want you to have an active prayer life.  Let me expose Satan’s agenda against your prayer life.  His basic strategy is to flood your mind with thoughts of insecurity about prayer, resistance about prayer, comparison’s about prayer (i.e. point #1), and confusion about prayer.  He wants you to think that you are actually thinking the things he is planting in your head.  Be careful.  Not every thought you have is actually yours.  Some are a specific and detailed attack against you from the evil ones.  Do not allow they to impact your thought life and be on guard to reject untrue or false thoughts.
3. Couples do not take it seriously enough to make it a priority.
   They simply do not realize how important  prayer is to their marriage, so they do not pray.  This is a huge mistake because, when we do not pray, we miss out on the guidance, support, and encouragement of God.

“Honey (or insert your own pet phrase), what can I do for you right now?”

Now all you have to do is receive what is said without judging or criticizing what your spouse needs, and do it! This one question will help your spouse feel validated, understood, and cared for. But be careful, if you do not follow through with what was shared, you might as well get comfortable on the couch!

Sounds like a mean title, doesn’t it.  Before you get too upset and stop reading this marriage tip, try and imagine what I’m getting at with the title.  Why does your spouse bug you?  Is it because your spouse is annoying, irrational, controlling, rejecting, or insincere?  Maybe.  But my guess is that you stopped valuing your spouse’s unique personality.  Your spouse bugs you because you are choosing to see your spouse in a negative way.  Your perception is dictating your attitude toward your spouse.

If your spouse bugs you, then maybe it is more about you than your spouse. You probably need an attitude adjustment. Choose to see your spouse the way Christ sees you. Then determine if your spouse bugs you or not.