If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

In fact, I’ve known a few A-list and B-list celebrities in my life, and I can assure you that the rumors by TMZ and other tabloid entities are typically totally off base and full of lies. It disgusts me that the tabloid press is not held accountable for blatant lies.

I do not know if Tiger needs marital advice, but if you ever find yourself in a situation described by the media right now for Tiger, then take the following 3 pointers to help create the possibility for restoration in your marriage:

1. Be honest. Never assume that lying will help ease the pain for your spouse. Lying always makes whatever happened even worse. Just be honest and upfront if you’ve had an affair. If you have not had an affair, but your spouse is accusing you of one, then simply validate his or her feelings. Let your spouse know that you understand why he is accusing you of the affair, and then ask what you can do to help him understand the truth of the situation. Getting defensively nasty will only confirm your spouse’s beliefs.
2. Be humble. Now this is a word that can be difficult to do, especially if you are feeling falsely accused of something. But humility is always a great attitude to help people calm down and see things more realistically. One of the definitions of humbleness is to be “courteously respectful”. You are wanting to restore the relationship, so do not get prideful and resistant to validating your spouse’s fair or unfair accusations. Relax. If you are innocent, then you will be proven innocent. The more defensive you get the more guilty you appear. Humble people are kind, relaxed, and understanding. You will need a lot of those kinds of attitudes to repair the relationship.
3. Be patient. I do not know how long it will take for your spouse to open up, and neither do you. So be ready to patiently wait. Sometimes we just need hang on and give our spouse the space to heal and open up. Do not try and rush healing because you do not want to hurt any more. Trust that your spouse will open up and give your spouse the freedom and respect to heal.

Follow these three pointers and you will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.

[UPDATE]

Here’s the statement Tiger Woods released on his website www.tigerwoods.com earlier today:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Now for the marriage tip.  The best “emotional” way to get things heated up in the bedroom is to simply be a servant.  When you make the needs and desires of your wife number one in your life, she will naturally want to open up sexually.  When your wife feels valued and cared for, she also feels turned on.

But there’s more!

I found out once that if I’m being a really great father, that also turns my wife on!  This one was difficult for me to understand at first, and it even felt a little creepy.  But it is totally true!  The more my wife sees me playing with the kids and caring for their needs, the more she desires me sexually. She once interrupted one of my famous “smack downs” with the kids to whisper the following statement in my ear, “Watching you play with the kids right now is really turning me on.”  What?  I almost dropped my youngest on the floor.  But don’t think for a minute that I stopped playing.  The more I played, the more I got to play later on (if you no what I mean)!

• Solutions for women with low sex drive (About.com)
• Solutions for males with low sex drive (About.com)
  • This one explains the reason
  • This one gives some solutions

Here’s a great quote by Michelle Weiner-Davis…
“Men, on the other hand, generally need to feel close to their partners physically before they invest a great deal of energy into their relationships. So she’s waiting for him to be more intimate emotionally and he’s waiting for her to be more tuned into him physically and the resentment that results in this waiting game is so huge, it’s beyond belief.”

The simple reality is that if you struggle with anything in your marriage, ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away, but rather it makes the problem worse.

Great sexual intimacy DVD session and in-depth study guide. Includes special Adventurous couples guide (new ideas for the bedroom), secret his folder, and secret her folder! Click here to purchase your copy today.

Alright! My last post on the issue of porn and marriage has created quite the stir!  I love a healthy debate and I appreciate all the people posting comments, even the ones I do not agree with. Here is part two of my interview with Covenant Eyes’ Luke Gilkerson.  I hopefully unpack in a logical and understanding way how porn hurts a couple and their ability to experience legitimate intimacy.

You might be thinking this question is ridiculous and absurd, but it is not. I’ve run in to enough couples in my life as a Marriage Consultant (This is my new term, I love it, but what do you think?) who ask this very question. Sometimes I am the one who has to bring to their attention that it is not healthy or okay to watch pornography with each other. I hear them say, “What’s the big deal if we are watching it together?” My response? “What’s the big deal if you two go and murder someone together?” Just because you do it together, does not mean it is okay to do.

Check out my podcast interview with Luke Gilkerson from Covenant Eyes and listen to why I think it is a bad idea to watch pornography together.  If you have a couple friend who is doing this right now, make sure and forward this post on to them.  They need it.

There are a lot of extra marital affairs each year in the United States. I must admit that I was completely naive about how many affairs were taking place. The research is not clear on just how many, but there are estimates ranging from 30 percent all the way to 60 percent of marriages suffer from the effects of infidelity.

What drives someone to infidelity? There have been books written on this subject, and this post is not trying to summarize the profound literature on this topic. But I thought you should be aware of my top 7 reasons why your spouse would cheat on you. The more you know the better you can protect your marriage.

Amy (my wife) and I have always taken a pretty strong stance against affairs. There are moral reasons for our stance as well as emotional and psychological reasons. But when it comes to protecting our marriage, I believe the smartest thing we did to protect our marriage from infidelity was to both admit that we were capable of having an affair. This might sound strange to you, but think for a second about the consequences of believing that you are incapable of an affair. Pride set in, and you know what comes after pride…the fall!

But this is not a post about protecting your marriage from an affair. This is a post about learning why your spouse would possibly commit an affair (which will ultimately help you protect your marriage from an affair). I do want to make perfectly clear that NONE of these seven reasons are your fault.  It is never your fault that your spouse chooses to have an affair to cope with something broken in the marriage.  But do understand that affairs are a huge signal that something is broken.  Here are 7 reasons that will help answer the question of, “Why?”:

1. Your spouse feels disconnected and shares this with someone of the opposite sex.
   One of the most basic needs of any human is to feel connected.  If your spouse feels disconnected in the marriage, then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  Stay connected with each other by sharing feelings and needs openly and honestly and without condemnation.  If I can’t share my feelings with my spouse, then I’m going to naturally feel disconnected and then I might search for someone to connect with.  This is when it gets dangerous.
2. Your spouse complains about you to the opposite sex.
   The worst way we can handle stress in our marriage is by complaining to other people.  If I choose to complain to someone of the opposite sex, I’m setting myself up to have an affair.  When I complain to someone of the opposite sex, what I’m really doing is telling that person, “Love me unlike my spouse is loving me.”  People will catch this underlying desire and they will act upon it.  The best person to complain about your spouse with is…no one.  Complaining just makes things worse.  Be productive and tell your spouse that something isn’t right and then go seek help from a pastor or marriage coach.
3. Your spouse drinks alcohol heavily while traveling on business.
   This one drives me crazy!  I was at a restaurant bar in Orlando once where I sat next to a man who was hammered.  He could barely sit on his bar stool and he was hitting on the girl next to him like there was no tomorrow.  I noticed the ring on his finger and decided to try and give him a chance to pull out of the situation.  I can’t remember what I said, but I think I asked him how long he’d been married.  Sadly, he laughed off my question and said, “My wife isn’t here, so that doesn’t matter.”  He then went off with the young lady alone.  Drinking too much alcohol is never a good idea, but especially if you are traveling without your spouse.  The majority of affairs are actually one-night-stands that happen outside of the state people live in.
4. Your spouse hangs out with the wrong crowd late in to the evenings.
   This one is very similar to #3, but it is different because it centers around the activity at home.  If your spouse likes to party until late in the evening with single friends or friends who are not good influences (and you know who those are), then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  My mother always told me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.  This is true for your marriage.  Hanging out drinking late in to the evening is a formula for disaster.  Stay home and keep each other company.
5. Your spouse has low self-esteem and likes to be flirted with.
   This one can be a subtle danger to your marriage.  If your spouse feels insecure then she might try to find a new self-image through an opposite sex friendship or flirting.  This can often start off very innocent, but once feelings of security through the flirting and friendship creep in, the emotions will turn romantic.  They always do so do not fool yourself or be fooled.
6. Your spouse feels bored in the marriage and wants more excitement.
   This one bothers me as much as #3!  What a horrible reason to seek out an affair!  Feelings of boredom are natural, but they are in no way an excuse to seek out an affair.  If your spouse ever shares that he is feeling bored or uninterested, do not ignore this plea.  Take it seriously and check out what needs to happen to spice things up (and I’m not hinting at just sex here, but emotionally as well).  If you do not talk with each other, then you set up an environment where an affair becomes much easier to commit.
7. Your spouse feels a lack of attention in the marriage.
   If you ignore your spouse, someone else will give the attention that is being desired.  I will reiterate that if your spouse has an affair, that is not your fault! But…please understand that you do play a role in the problem.  Even though an affair is the most hurtful thing you could do to your spouse, it is just a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage.  So that means both people have to work on making the marriage stronger and resistant to infidelity.

What should you do with this list?  Take a moment to check yourself to see if you (or your spouse) are doing any of these 7 things.  If you realize that one or more of them are occurring in your marriage, then sit down and bring it up before an affair happens.  Be proactive in your marriage and not reactive.  Take steps to connect and care for each other.  The more satisfied your marriage is, the less likely an affair is going to occur.

Recently, while away on business, I was in the wrong place – wrong time – had sex with a prostitute (condoms). I am extremely upset at myself – asked God for repentance – have had sex with wife since – I cant tell her since I feel it would devastate her, knowing her past and how she would re-act to stress like this – in the past – stress like this gets her extremely depressed & suicidal – I feel because I am remorseful, its best to keep it a secret to keep her from the down it will bring her – as long as I am sorry – & aren’t about to repeat – seems right now that I have no desire at all for any porn etc – maybe this will help me in my fight – what do you say – is it wrong to keep this from her? – Knowing it will destroy her (she will blame herself for it all!) Thanks so much for your time!

THE ANSWER

Yes, you have to tell her. With that said, I do not recommend telling her in the privacy of your home or without professional help sitting along side you. It is understandable that you feel like this information will cause your wife to be depressed and maybe even suicidal. But you can not have sex with a prostitute and not confess this to your spouse. Satan will use this secret to destroy you and your wife. Do not be fooled in to believing that this has to remain a secret.

Now, I repeat, PLEASE READ CAREFULLY! You must not tell her this alone and without professional counsel. Run to your church today, confess this to your pastor, and ask for help in finding a counselor that can help you work through this with your wife. You will want to meet with this counselor first, and let him/her know what you have done and that you need help in telling your wife. The two of you can come up with the best plan to confess to your wife about the affair.

But this is not a secret that is okay to keep from your wife. It is never okay to keep an affair a secret. Go get some counsel from your pastor and a professional, and then proceed forward with their blessing and help. Also, this secret won’t stay a secret forever. It will come out, your wife will figure it out, and then you will have caused far more damage by not telling her in the first place.

By the way, I’m glad that you are not struggling at the moment with continued porn, but guilt is not a legitimate change agent. God will change you, but keeping secrets only keeps you stuck in the muck of sin. You will relapse if you do not get professional help and accountability for what you’ve done and what you are struggling with.

This is my prayer for you:

Lord, I ask that you bring healing and restoration to this man! I know that you love us no matter what we do, and even in our darkest moments, you are there beside us with your arms open wide. Thanks for your unconditional love and acceptance of this man! Lord, I ask that you give him the strength and courage to seek your guidance through your disciples (the pastor and the professional). I know you will give them the insight and guidance he needs to love his wife the way you love him. Amen.

THE QUESTION:

“I want to thank you for your insight. It has opened my eyes. I am just amazed at how well you answer questions [editors note: My kids, just this morning, informed me that mommy is a lot smarter than daddy!]. God has really given you a light to shine in others darkness. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy and he has made mistakes and I have seen past that. He said that if he could take it back he would. He is all for me being a virgin and he wishes he would have waited. But as u said in your book, More Than a Match, that that fear is always there that he will compare me to his other experiences…and that scares me. What if i dont meet up to them? I know i may be wrong to think that but i truley believe that he is the guy im gonna spend my life with. He is so God honoring and is an amazing man over all. You guys have touched so many lives and I give you a thumbs up for that.”

THE ANSWER

I’m not so sure about all the nice stuff written about us, but thanks for being so kind about our ministry! What if you don’t meet up to your potential future husband’s sexual expectations? That is a big, stressful question and I want to give you an honest answer. Yes, there will be times that you get stressed out because you were a virgin and he was not. It would be unrealistic to think that it won’t bother you on some level. How much it bothers you, however, is up to you. For example, what are you going to do with the thoughts once they enter your head? If you embrace them, then things will get worse. If you reject them and dwell on what is good and right, then they will get better.

Sin hurts, that is why I try and encourage myself and others not to make major mistakes. They don’t just go away. Our choices impact our lives forever (or until we have a major brain injury that thwarts our ability to remember things). Will you get so stressed out about being compared sexually to others in the past that it will lead your marriage to divorce? No. You are in control on how much stress you experience over this issue.

I do think it is easier on a couple when they have similar backgrounds in life (not just sexually, but home life, spiritual, etc.). But no couple is ever going to have the perfect union. We all experience stress and it is our ability to resolve the stress that matters in terms of our success and satisfaction.

Dear Covenant Eyes Member, Congratulations!  You have been accepted into the Covenant Eyes beta test for the iPhone/iPod Touch.

That’s right, I’ve been accepted in to the Covenant Eyes beta test project for the iPhone and iPod Touch (Of course I realize that you just read that same thing in the previous quote above, but I had to say it again!).  This takes away a lot of the anxiety about the new iPhone 3.0 OS that is about to be released by Apple in the coming months.  I wrote about that earlier and you can check it out here.

I will keep you updated on when the official Covenant Eyes app comes to market. In the meantime, enjoy life and love those who do not deserve to be loved!

I wanted to make sure that everyone got a chance to check out this incredible testimony and research article on Heritage.org, you can find the testimony here and if you want to download the PDF of the research article you can do so here.

I believe you will find these two resources very good and that they make a well thought argument against pornography.

One other note, I mentioned in the previous iPhone OS 3.0 post that I was not receiving any money from Covenant Eyes to promote their service, well…apparently the folks over at Covenant Eyes came across my post and asked me to join their affiliate team! The power of the blogosphere is at work because I am now an officially proud supporter and affiliate of Covenant Eyes.

I encourage you, if not beg you, to check out their services because I truly believe their software and accountability program can help you stay safe online and avoid the dangers and addiction of porn. Even if you do not have an issue with porn, you should sign up anyway so that you will not fall to some future temptation. Porn is a serious, and frightening matter, so do not leave anything to chance.

If you follow this link and enter in the promo code: smalley – you will receive 30 days free!

The phrase “enhanced parental locks” is what has gotten me so nervous (oh yeah, “risque” doesn’t exactly cheer me up either). The iPhone seems like it is going to make it easier to watch and experience porn directly on the phone through third party apps. The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that I can assure you will take advantage of any loosening of the rules for content on the iPhone.

Porn destroys. No matter how diluted our culture tries to make porn, like it is no big deal, it is a very big deal and a major problem in basically any category of violent crime, divorce, abuse, etc. I have an iPhone, and it is the greatest phone I’ve ever owned. If you know me, you know that is a big deal statement for me to make because I’ve owned many phones in my days (you might say I’m a cell phone addict).

Why is porn so destructive? Because it objectifies women and men. So those who get addicted to porn (which is as powerful of an addiction as any hard core drug) start viewing women and men as merely objects to make them happy. That is why porn addicts can so easily commit heinous crimes against humanity, because in their mind, they are not attacking a person, they are merely attacking an object who they feel has little or no value.

I so desperately do not want porn to be a part of my life that I use a service called Covenant Eyes. I want you all to know that I make no money for promoting Covenant Eyes, so this is truly a non biased review. I want you to check them out because filtering just does not work. It is not that the filtering companies are slacking on protecting us, it is just that filtering is insanely complicated to do correctly.

What I like about Covenant Eyes is that it is not a filtering service but rather an accountability service. All the program does is track your online activity and send a weekly report to an accountability partner of your choice. You do not want to visit porn sites because someone WILL find out about it and keep you accountable to your commitment not to view porn.

In my experience, the only way someone truly breaks free from the bondage of porn is to get in to a serious accountability relationship. Covenant Eyes easily provides the accountability you need to be successful.

But you may be one of those people who really does not see a problem with porn.  You may even watch porn with your spouse (and yes, I run in to this issue more than I care to run in to it). You’re thinking that porn hasn’t negatively effected your relationship, so what is the big deal? I say to you that porn is effecting your relationship, you just do not see it yet. Porn addiction and use is a slow, methodical killer that numbs you to the reality of the destruction going on around you. The meth addict says the same thing, by the way. Then one day they look in the mirror and see a shell of themselves and their teeth have rotted away.

Your sexual relationship needs boundaries because your sexual desire is never satisfied unless you tell it to be satisfied. Your sexual desire is like a wild animal that needs to be tamed. How many times have you read a report of someone who has raised a grizzly bear and then died at the claws of that same grizzly bear. Just like the wild grizzly, your sexual desires need to be contained and kept in a safe boundary.

What does a safe boundary look like sexually? It looks like a husband and wife, committed to each other, and serving each other in bed. You can not allow your sexual desires to run rampant with selfishness. You must take on an attitude of kindness, servanthood, and caring in your sexual relationship with your spouse. This is what keeps your sexual morality from degrading in to something destructive.

The danger of this new iPhone update is that it may make finding and experiencing porn on your iPhone even easier than what it is today.  I would recommend that if this becomes a reality, you allow a friend or accountability partner to set a password for the parental controls so that you can not access hurtful and inappropriate content.  Hopefully the parental controls will be helpful and protective, but I would not count on it.

So what do you think?

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