10 things you should talk about before you get married – al.com.

Hi Michael I have a favor to ask you…What is the different between love and being in love?

Here was my answer, I thought many of you might like reading this response and I pray it is encouraging to you:

What a great question Belky! Here’s the difference, when you are “in love”, that can always go away, because feelings come and go. That kind of love is situational and based on feelings and how well you’re being treated or feel at the time. But when you love someone, that is a decision and is not prone to emotional quirks, but rather fortified through commitment. That is the kind of love that is real. And incidentally, when you choose to love someone, no matter what, the feelings of love always follow =]

 

1. An irresistible single puts the needs of others ahead of their own.  In other words, you are the servants of servants.  Nothing is more attractive to someone than the heart of a servant.  When you genuinely care for the needs of others, they can’t help but be pulled toward you.  Now, this is not about serving so you can get what you want, but rather an authentic attitude of servanthood that follows the words of Christ.
2. An irresistible single is someone who listens.  A great listener has the ability to tune out other distractions and focus on the words and feelings behind the words that the speaker is sharing.  A great listener asks clarifying questions to make sure he or she understands the speaker.  Your body language says, “I’m genuinely interested in what you are saying.”  A great listener doesn’t try to solve what the speaker is saying, unless the speaker has asked for a solution.
3. An irresistible single is comfortable being single.  You do not have to be married, you would like to, but you do not have to.  Nothing is more unattractive than a single who is desperate.  When you become desperate, you are sabotaging your chance for true love because no one worth marrying is interested in someone who is desperate. So be happy about being single and patiently wait for the right person to come along.

Taking the life of cohabitation for a test drive before committing to a marriage has become enormously popular. And yet, with the failure of so many cohabiting relationships, and the swollen divorce rates of couples who cohabit before marriage, such a widespread cultural practice deserves critical examination. Michael McManus, coauthor of Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers, and President of Marriage Savers, a nonprofit organization, discuss the deleterious effects of cohabitation in an interview with National Review Online editor Kathryn Lopez.

 

Kathryn Jean Lopez: What’s so bad about living together?

 

Michael McManus: Couples who live together are gambling and losing in 85 percent of the cases. Many believe the myth that they are in a “trial marriage.” Actually it is more like a “trial divorce,” in which more than eight out of ten couples will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce. First, about 45 percent of those who begin cohabiting, do not marry. Those who undergo “premarital divorce” often discover it is as painful as the real thing. Another 5-10 percent continue living together and do not marry. These two trends are the major reason the marriage rate has plunged 50 percent since 1970. Couples who cohabit are likely to find that it is a paultry substitute for the real thing, marriage.

Read the full article here.

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Q: We just started dating. We don’t want to have sex, but I’m concerned that it might just happen. Do you have some advice for us?Watch Michael and Amy Smalley’s Answer
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I have been dating a great man for just over 6 mos. On our first date he told me of his limits and I agreed. We have not had sex. We both have a history of having sex with our S.O.s. Realizing our mistakes in life and striving for a better life and future, we opted to live with Christian beliefs. How can we be together with the brakes on? We find it hard not to fall into old habits. He tells me he finds it hard to be together without having the desire. Any tips for keeping our dates on the PG level?

The answer:

Thank you for this question and thank you for your desire to keep the relationship healthy. Not everyone is willing to keep this kind of commitment with their boyfriend or girlfriend in today’s society. So you are to be commended!

If you truly want to keep the relationship from becoming sexually active, there are several things you need to keep in mind. The first thing you already accomplished! Always date someone with the same moral desire, if you don’t, then there is no way you will keep from having sex. So good job on the first thing. The second is just as important as the first, but a little more difficult to honor. I don’t know how old the two of you are, but if you are serious about saving sex for marriage, then you will not want to spend significant alone time together at night where there is a greater and easier opportunity for sex. Late night movies in the basement or bedroom are not a good idea. It is natural to want each other sexually, you are fighting against biology – the way God designed us. Third, create an accountability group for yourselves. A group of people who believe in saving sex for marriage. This group of people will help you when the strength to fight your biology is weakest. If you do not get into an accountability group, then I do not believe you can make it. We need the strength and support of people we do not want to let down to help us keep our commitments.

“I met a girl about 4 months ago who has a 3 year old child. I understand she has a lot to do and I work a lot, sometimes getting home too late to call her. The only time I get to see her is on the weekends. How can I begin being intimate without making her think I am rushing her?”

I’d like to share my response:

“Dear Mike,

With the information you have given me, let me respond this way:

First, when we think of intimacy, we always think physical. However, there is more than one level to intimacy. Emotional intimacy, I believe, is where the relationship is built. It is here that a couple get to know each other treating each other with honor and respect. It is here where communication with each other is learned. It is here where a friendship can be built getting to know each other’s personality, hopes and dreams. This kind of intimacy is crucial in a strong relationship.

Having said that, my second point covers physical intimacy. It is my belief that sex was created for a man and a woman in marriage. Sex outside of marriage is not His design and can only create a messy situation in many ways. And whatever your faith, pushing such intimacy will likely not turn out well.

You have only known this woman for a short time, it seems. My suggestion to you would be that you take things very slowly, building a friendship. There may come a time when you both feel that you’re serious enough for a lifelong commitment. Once married, you can enjoy the physical intimacy that God intended. ”

The definition of intimacy is often restricted to the physical. There is so much more to being intimate than sex. I hope I’ve explained it a little bit better here.