Raising three kids was quite an adventure for Norma and myself. We felt overwhelmed so we met with our own pediatrician Dr. Shellenberger in Waco, Texas. He recommended some clear limits and to be creative he suggested we make our own family contract. His enthusiasm and experience sold us on the idea. For young kids the contract had to be quite simple. We taught them to obey God, our parents, and to be kind to people and things. These principles stemmed from Matthew 22:37-39. As our physical, emotional and mental abilities grew so did the contract. The family contract included these areas: Honoring God, others and His creation; obedience; cleanliness; chores; manners; and inner character qualities. We realized later as we adapted that the contract has some important detail to its construction and content. Here were some:

1. Wording
An effective contract begins by clearly defining the exact behaviors the child is expected to do or refrain from doing. In other words, limit the use of vague or ambiguous words that are open to alternative interpretations. For example, instead of saying that the child needs to obey, carefully define the exact behaviors and meaning of the word “obey.” You might say, “Once mom or dad gives a direction, you are to immediately do it without complaining, arguing or nagging.” Of course you will need to clarify the meaning of those words as well. Remember that a child is able to conform to his parent’s wishes when he understands their exact expectation. Therefore, a written contract is preferred since it reduces the possibility of misunderstanding and provides an objective reference when disagreement about contract terms arises.

2. Clear Rewards and Consequences
A helpful contract will specify the rewards or privileges that may be gained or lost as a result of the child’s behavior. For example, if a child is required to take the trash out after dinner then he needs to know that not doing this will result in no after-school snack for 24 hours. Likewise, it’s important for the child to understand how he can earn rewards for positive behaviors as well. This can be achieved through allowance, special snack or extra TV time to name a few.

3. Child & Parent As Co-Creators
The key to setting limits is to work “with” your children. Together, establish the rules, consequences and rewards that you all believe to be important. When you involve the children, from the earliest ages, in creating the rules, they consider them their limits, rather than standards their parents are imposing on them. It becomes easier for them to take ownership of the contract because the rules seem fair.

4. Re-negotiation
An effective contract should be open for re-negotiation. As the children grow older, you can all upgrade the rewards and consequences to include age appropriate items. For example, teenagers might need more significant consequences for more significant offenses. However, they will also need to have opportunities to earn rewards that allow greater independence and individuation. Once again, always have them help choose and agree upon the changes. A teenager’s need for independence from the family sometimes makes them reluctant contributors. Let them know that they can decide not to participate, but that the decisions will be binding for the family.

5. Signatures
After you and your family create the contract, it’s important to make a place for everyone to sign and date the document. Even if you have young children, they can scribble in the appropriate place. This shows that everyone agrees with the direction the family is going. Also having children sign may greatly increase their commitment to the contract.

6. Inspect What You Expect
Once the contract is up and running, it’s helpful to inspect and evaluate each child’s behavior on a daily basis. Up until our high school years, we met for ten to fifteen minutes each night after dinner to review how everyone was doing in each area. We kept a chart on the refrigerator so we could mark on it with a grease pencil and erase it the next evening. Instead of having to continually correct a child’s behavior throughout the day, the family meeting is a great way to set aside a specific time for this–unless of course the child commits a serious offense, then you immediately deal with it.

Summary
You will discover that having a written, objective contract can greatly contribute to your family’s harmony. It can also make disciplining the children much easier because you simply point to the family contract, and the children can be much more willing to cooperate and adjust to it. Children need to learn control at the very beginning of life so they appreciate people and property within the family as well as the value of rules and limits for getting along with others later on in adult life. By using a family contract you are helping your children to learn a valuable lesson that they will benefit from for the rest of their lives.

To find out more check out our book, The Key to Your Child’s Heart.

There are things your children are going to do that will make you want to trade them in for another child!  They will hurt you, frustrate you, embarrass you, humiliate you, disappoint you, discourage you, and basically wipe you out from time to time.  No child is perfect, therefore no parent will ever miss out on the opportunity of being wounded emotionally by their child.

Feel discouraged yet? Don’t be. Parenting is both the greatest and hardest job you will ever face.  But it is also the most rewarding, too. There are going to be times when your kid really messes up things for you and your family.  In those moments, you have to respond in a way that is loving, honoring, and respectful.

For example, if your kid gets arrested for a DWI, this is one of those moments where you can not blow it.  You can not arrive to the station and humiliate, shame, or belittle your child.  You can not make wild accusations like, “You’ll never see the sunlight again! You’re grounded forever!”  Big mistakes require parents to make big decisions in terms of how you are going to respond.

If you respond as poorly as your child’s poor behavior, nothing good is going to come out of the experience.  There’s no positive message to be learned from a major mistake by your child when you blow it with your own horrible behavior.

I’m not saying that your child does not need to be punished, your child will need to experience a consequence.  I’m trying to say that in these big moments, it’s like there are three seconds left on the clock to win the National Championship for your school, you’re down by two points and your teammate passes you the ball where you shoot a three pointer for the win.

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to freak out, or shame, then you’ve just shot a horrible air ball to lose the National Championship game.  It would be no ordinary air ball either, it would be the kind that stays with you for the rest of your life!

If your response to your child’s very poor behavior is to handle yourself well, and to lovingly carry out the proper consequence and help your child learn from their decision, then you just swished the shot to win the National Championship game!

So what do you think?  Am I on to something good for parents, or am I being a naive goofball?

The question:

My daughter has hated me since the age of 15. she was a wonderful loving child and got involved with a controlling guy that she married at 18. she is only 18 now, dumped and divorced from this guy after a few months. it was a horrible time but she loves his mother still and wants me out of her life. i have tried to get along with her but she is nasty and disrespectful and i wont take it. i have 3 older children who treat me with respect and I wont let Anna treat me differently. I cant seem to reason with her. she refuses to talk about the past because it makes her feel bad, i want her to get help because she is full of hate and bitterness. I pray for her as does many, but her heart only seems to get harder.

Watch the answer Michael Smalley gives this hurting mother.

Many parents wonder why their kids don’t seem to respond to their discipline techniques or anything else.  Watch what Michael Smalley has to say on why your kids don’t listen and what you can do about it.

A study published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology found that the method of control used by parents was significantly related to a child’s aggressive behaviour.

Sofie Kuppens and her colleagues from the Katholieke Universiteit Leuven, Belgium, studied the amount of physical aggression and relational aggression (the purposeful manipulation or damage to relationships) used by 600 children aged between 8 and 10 and compared this to parents’ use of physical punishment and psychological control.

Sofie Kuppens said: “As well as using discipline or rewards to control or manage a child’s behaviour, some parents also use psychological control which may include emotional manipulation, criticism or excessive personal control.

“As children learn and adopt behaviour from their parents, we wanted to see whether children whose parents use psychological control strategies are more likely to use relational aggression – the purposeful manipulation or damage to relationships, through silent treatment, social exclusion, or spreading of malicious rumours for example.”

via Parental Method Of Contol Linked To Child’s Aggressive Behaviour.

One of the big reasons that many second marriages fail can be summed up with one word – Stepchild.  Kids can make a second marriage miserable because they are angry, hurting, sad, disappointed, feeling rejected, and just plain ticked off from the divorce.  This is normal and natural.  The worst thing you can do as a stepparent is to come in to the new relationship with the stepkids and try to be a parent.

Effective parenting comes from a solid foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.  You do not have that initially as a stepparent.  Worry more about building up your relationship with the stepchildren through unconditional love and acceptance than worrying about disciplining them.  Often times it is the biological parent that initially needs to keep up the work as the primary discipline force for the kids.  Remember, most kids did not want the divorce and are not happy about it, so don’t push yourself on to them because you want them to accept you.

Take the time to show them you’re serious about their parent and them.  Prove to them that you’re there to stay.  Once they figure out that you are for real, then you will be given the opportunity to have more influence on their lives.

Do you ever hear this question rolling around your head when you’re out in public and your kid does something embarrassing? It’s like every single person is staring you down and judging you for your kid’s outburst! I hate this feeling, and unfortunately, I rarely handle myself well when I feel it.

Today’s tip is about remaining clear headed when in public. First of all, there’s no way every person is thinking negative thoughts about your kid or parenting skills. You probably don’t about other parents, and if you’re like me, you probably feel empathy for the parent and not disgust.

Secondly, call a time-out and do not deal with your kid immediately. If she is throwing a fit, then remove her from the area and get her to the car. The last thing you want to do is to really “get into it” with your kid publicly. That is humiliating to your child and it will end up being even more humiliating to you. If your kid starts getting in to the habit of throwing a fit in public and ruining your chance to be out of the house, then talk with a friend and have her come and get the child. I did this once with Reagan and she never threw a fit again at the mall. She was shocked to see our babysitter pull up to the mall and take her home for a time-out until I returned home. Her face was classic as I got to stay with my son and continue having fun at the mall!

What do the lyrics of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s one hit wonder have to do with parenting? I teach couples all the time to take a time-out when they get upset with each other. I tell them that they can not get anything resolved when upset. So take some time to cool off and pray. Then come back to the table to discuss how to resolve the conflict.

Why don’t I teach this more to parents? We parents need to use this same rule with our kids. When our kids disobey (and especially when they embarrass us), we need to call a time-out before we decide on any kind of punishment or resolution to a conflict. In the heat of the moment we are going to come up with absurd and unhealthy consequences for our children’s negative behavior.

Recently I got all worked up with my son Cole and I did not take a time-out before coming up with his consequence. In the heat of the moment I grounded “from life” for one month. That’s right, my exact words were, “You’re grounded from life for at least a month!” What horrible act would cause for such a consequence, you ask? As I’m writing this post I truly can not even remember what it was that he did to cause me to lay down that consequence. How pathetic of a parent am I (don’t answer this question)?

I did eventually come to my senses and spoke with Amy about the consequence I laid out for Cole. After she stopped laughing at me and mocking my poor parenting skills, she helped me see that one day was sufficient of a consequence. Take a time-out. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief from your spouse, and oh yeah, you might actually parent better as well.