My daughter has hated me since the age of 15. she was a wonderful loving child and got involved with a controlling guy that she married at 18. she is only 18 now, dumped and divorced from this guy after a few months. it was a horrible time but she loves his mother still and wants me out of her life. i have tried to get along with her but she is nasty and disrespectful and i wont take it. i have 3 older children who treat me with respect and I wont let Anna treat me differently. I cant seem to reason with her. she refuses to talk about the past because it makes her feel bad, i want her to get help because she is full of hate and bitterness. I pray for her as does many, but her heart only seems to get harder.

Watch the answer Michael Smalley gives this hurting mother.

A study published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology found that the method of control used by parents was significantly related to a child’s aggressive behaviour.

Sofie Kuppens and her colleagues from the Katholieke Universiteit Leuven, Belgium, studied the amount of physical aggression and relational aggression (the purposeful manipulation or damage to relationships) used by 600 children aged between 8 and 10 and compared this to parents’ use of physical punishment and psychological control.

Sofie Kuppens said: “As well as using discipline or rewards to control or manage a child’s behaviour, some parents also use psychological control which may include emotional manipulation, criticism or excessive personal control.

“As children learn and adopt behaviour from their parents, we wanted to see whether children whose parents use psychological control strategies are more likely to use relational aggression – the purposeful manipulation or damage to relationships, through silent treatment, social exclusion, or spreading of malicious rumours for example.”

via Parental Method Of Contol Linked To Child’s Aggressive Behaviour.

Effective parenting comes from a solid foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.  You do not have that initially as a stepparent.  Worry more about building up your relationship with the stepchildren through unconditional love and acceptance than worrying about disciplining them.  Often times it is the biological parent that initially needs to keep up the work as the primary discipline force for the kids.  Remember, most kids did not want the divorce and are not happy about it, so don’t push yourself on to them because you want them to accept you.

Take the time to show them you’re serious about their parent and them.  Prove to them that you’re there to stay.  Once they figure out that you are for real, then you will be given the opportunity to have more influence on their lives.

Today’s tip is about remaining clear headed when in public. First of all, there’s no way every person is thinking negative thoughts about your kid or parenting skills. You probably don’t about other parents, and if you’re like me, you probably feel empathy for the parent and not disgust.

Secondly, call a time-out and do not deal with your kid immediately. If she is throwing a fit, then remove her from the area and get her to the car. The last thing you want to do is to really “get into it” with your kid publicly. That is humiliating to your child and it will end up being even more humiliating to you. If your kid starts getting in to the habit of throwing a fit in public and ruining your chance to be out of the house, then talk with a friend and have her come and get the child. I did this once with Reagan and she never threw a fit again at the mall. She was shocked to see our babysitter pull up to the mall and take her home for a time-out until I returned home. Her face was classic as I got to stay with my son and continue having fun at the mall!

Why don’t I teach this more to parents? We parents need to use this same rule with our kids. When our kids disobey (and especially when they embarrass us), we need to call a time-out before we decide on any kind of punishment or resolution to a conflict. In the heat of the moment we are going to come up with absurd and unhealthy consequences for our children’s negative behavior.

Recently I got all worked up with my son Cole and I did not take a time-out before coming up with his consequence. In the heat of the moment I grounded “from life” for one month. That’s right, my exact words were, “You’re grounded from life for at least a month!” What horrible act would cause for such a consequence, you ask? As I’m writing this post I truly can not even remember what it was that he did to cause me to lay down that consequence. How pathetic of a parent am I (don’t answer this question)?

I did eventually come to my senses and spoke with Amy about the consequence I laid out for Cole. After she stopped laughing at me and mocking my poor parenting skills, she helped me see that one day was sufficient of a consequence. Take a time-out. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief from your spouse, and oh yeah, you might actually parent better as well.

This irritation leads me to being out of balance when I try and discipline Cole for disobeying. We do not want to be harsh with our children. All of our discipline needs to be consistent, specific, and kind. There is no need to yell while disciplining our children. There is also no need for us going over-board on consequences.

If we are too harsh in our discipline, our discipline will be of no good to our child. The consequences we come up with need to be logical and fair. If you struggle with one of your children because you are too similar, then make sure you bounce off any consequences with your spouse or someone you trust.

via Psychology Today: Parent, Not Patsy.

You all have been awesome in trying to help choose the new URL for a parenting site idea I had this week! Thanks so much for your insight and time for voting.  After a great (albeit quick) conversation this morning with Amy (not my wife but the owner of the blog MomsToolbox.com) that I needed to give more details on what I want the site to be so you can give even better feedback on a URL.

So here is the big idea, a website dedicated to moms and dads everywhere that will help create a community to better discipline our children.  For example, if your child acts up and freaks out every time you try and go to the mall, you could come to the site and post your issue with the child and then get feedback on effective discipline ideas from other parents from around the world!  How cool would that be.

I feel stuck lots of times when a new issue comes up with one of my kids and I don’t know what an appropriate and effective punishment would be.  With that in mind, here are a few new URL ideas, and once again, if you can think of a better one just leave it as a comment below.

[poll id="6"]

I am getting ready to launch a new website for parents that is going to rock the parenting world! I could not be more excited about a new project than I am about this new website! Have I added enough exclamation points to the paragraph yet to prove just how excited I am? I do not want to give out a ton of details about what this website is going to do to revolutionize parenting, but I do want feedback on potential URL’s.

So let me know which one of the two below you like the most.  If you do not like either of them, then please feel free to leave a comment with a better URL for me to consider.

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If you did not like either of those URL’s, then please leave a comment below with a better idea. Remember, criticism without possible solutions is not very nice =]

Sorry, law against bad parenting is unconstitutional.  In Iowa, the city of Davenport passed an ordinance requiring “parental responsibility.” Basically, if your kid broke the law (or was even suspected of doing so), the city would send you a warning note. After that, the city would require the parents to attend special classes and pay fines. The ACLU intervened, though, and a judge ruled the measure unconstitutional.

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This trip has been awesome because we have kept it relatively conflict free.  It is not that we are avoiding discipline for our kids, because we’ve had to get involved a couple of times.  But for the most part, we have worked hard at creating an environment where our family is relaxed.

No conflict = fun time! Keep this in mind the next time you take a trip with your family.

On Parenting: Step back a bit as kids get older | Yakima Herald-Republic Online.

Getting Tough on Bullying – washingtonpost.com.

In my house, my kids know that they will get my blessing to date when they prove to me that they know how to honor God, others, and themselves.  I spend countless hours helping them learn how to accomplish all three of those tasks.  So they know what it is going to take to be ready and able to date in our home.

So the first thing I did was ask Reagan if she felt like she was ready to have a boyfriend (in the fifth grade of all things ).  I did not criticize her for the desire, I did not shame her or punish her for having the feelings.  I just asked if she felt like she was honoring God, others, and herself.

She said yes.

This is when it can get a little tricky.  Your kid feels like she is ready, but you do not.  Somehow I kept a level head and asked another question, “Do you think it is important to ask me if I think you are ready to date and if you are honoring God, others, and yourself?” Luckily she responded well and sort of chuckled like it was an obvious thing she had missed in not asking me.

I said no.

I then spent some time helping her understand aobut what growth areas I felt she had in honoring God, others, and herself.  It was during this conversation that I realized how I might be able to start influencing her now to accept my influence on dating later.

I asked Reagan this, “Do you want your daddy, when you are ready, to approve the boy you are interested in dating?” At 10-years old Reagan very quickly said, “Of course! Why wouldn’t I want that?”  I was flooded with a huge sense of awareness as she made her reply to my question.

At 10-years of age my daughter couldn’t imagine not having my approval on a boy.  So I need to start fostering this idea and concept now, so that by the time she is ready to date it will be an easy and natural thing for her to want my input on who she is interested in dating.

If you want your kids to have your input and approval on who they choose to enter into a relationship with, then I would suggest you build the foundations at an early age and not wait till you are thrust into the dating world.  Build confidence in your judgement while they are young so they accept your input when they are older.

I’ll let you know how this turns out

The Modesto Bee | Parenting Tips.

A hefty review in last week’s New Yorker magazine takes on several books about “overparenting,” the toxic combination of treating kids with excessive permissiveness and outsize expectations (some of which I touched on in this post last week).

The Juggle – WSJ.com : Is There an Overparenting Epidemic?

* Since sibling rivalry is rivalry over the approval, praise, and attention of parents, when parents favor one child over the other, very bitter sibling rivalry can ensue. 

Read more here.

1. Clearly define the problem.  Clarify what the actual conflict is first.  Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here:  tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it.  Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)
3. Encourage the child to explain and respond.  Use active listening (parrot talking).  Repeat to the other person what you heard them say.  Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa).  Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)
4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.  Avoiding score keeping.  “You are late for dinner.  I feel angry.  I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.”  Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual.  I remember when…”, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)
5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”
6. Avoid power statements and actions.  For example:  “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)
7. Avoid judgment.  Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)
8. Be honest in your statements and questions.  Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)
9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets).  Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.  Then help your children to identify their own bodily signs.(Prov. 10:12; 14:17,29; 15:18; 16:32; 19:19; 22:24; 29:11,22; 30:33; Eph. 6:4)
10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break.  It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)
11. Don’t use the silent treatment.  Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)
12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)
13. Control your hands and tongue.  Never use sarcasm or physical violence.  (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)
14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)
15. Select an appropriate time and place.  Don’t make a scene.  Never deliberately embarrass each other or others       by arguing in public.  Keep your arguments in private.  Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)
16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee.  The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)
17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment).  Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)
18. Speak directly and personally to your child.  Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s).  (Prov. 18:23)
19. Initiate some type of loving behavior toward the child during the conflict (i.e., holding hands, have the child sit in your lap, take a walk, etc.) (I John 4:18)
20. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
21. Don’t compare one child to another.  Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)
22. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)
23. When you’re wrong admit it.  Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined?  Was it written  down?  Was there miscommunication?, etc.).  Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)
24. Assign responsibility for the future.  Make sure it is written down so the child knows exactly what is expected of him/her.  Then hold the child accountable. (Prov. 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17; Heb. 12:9; Prov. 15:31; 1:8; 3:11; 13:1; 13:24; Eph. 6:4)
25. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions.  Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
26. Forgive your child and do not hold resentment.  End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)
27. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)
28. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)