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Dating Site for Single Parents – PR.com

1. Clearly define the problem.  Clarify what the actual conflict is first.  Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here:  tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it.  Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)
3. Encourage the child to explain and respond.  Use active listening (parrot talking).  Repeat to the other person what you heard them say.  Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa).  Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)
4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.  Avoiding score keeping.  “You are late for dinner.  I feel angry.  I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.”  Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual.  I remember when…”, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)
5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”
6. Avoid power statements and actions.  For example:  “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)
7. Avoid judgment.  Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)
8. Be honest in your statements and questions.  Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)
9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets).  Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.  Then help your children to identify their own bodily signs.(Prov. 10:12; 14:17,29; 15:18; 16:32; 19:19; 22:24; 29:11,22; 30:33; Eph. 6:4)
10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break.  It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)
11. Don’t use the silent treatment.  Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)
12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)
13. Control your hands and tongue.  Never use sarcasm or physical violence.  (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)
14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)
15. Select an appropriate time and place.  Don’t make a scene.  Never deliberately embarrass each other or others       by arguing in public.  Keep your arguments in private.  Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)
16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee.  The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)
17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment).  Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)
18. Speak directly and personally to your child.  Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s).  (Prov. 18:23)
19. Initiate some type of loving behavior toward the child during the conflict (i.e., holding hands, have the child sit in your lap, take a walk, etc.) (I John 4:18)
20. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
21. Don’t compare one child to another.  Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)
22. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)
23. When you’re wrong admit it.  Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined?  Was it written  down?  Was there miscommunication?, etc.).  Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)
24. Assign responsibility for the future.  Make sure it is written down so the child knows exactly what is expected of him/her.  Then hold the child accountable. (Prov. 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17; Heb. 12:9; Prov. 15:31; 1:8; 3:11; 13:1; 13:24; Eph. 6:4)
25. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions.  Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
26. Forgive your child and do not hold resentment.  End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)
27. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)
28. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

WASH. D.C.  In first-ever research, a new report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. It identifies national, state and local costs which account for more than $1 trillion in the last decade.  This landmark scholarly study, entitled “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States,” was released on April 15th at the National Press Club by four renowned policy and research groups—Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest.

“This study documents for the first time, that divorce and unwed childbearing—besides being bad for children—are also costing taxpayers a ton of money,” said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values.  “Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings to taxpayers,” he continued. “For example, a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion.”

“These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected by increased childhood poverty caused by family fragmentation,” said principal investigator Ben Scafidi, Ph.D., economics professor at Georgia College & State University.

“Prior research shows that marriage lifts single mothers out of poverty and therefore reduces the need for costly social benefits,” said Scafidi. “This new report shows that public concern about the decline of marriage need not be based only on ‘moral’ concerns, but that reducing high taxpayer costs of family fragmentation is a legitimate concern of government, policymakers and legislators, as well as community reformers and faith communities.”

“This report now provides the basis for a national consensus that strengthening marriage is a legitimate policy concern,” said Blankenhorn. “The report’s numbers represent an extremely cautious estimate, a lower-bound figure, and have been vetted by a group of distinguished scholars and economists who have attached their names as advisors to this report.”

“These numbers represent real people and real suffering,” said Randy Hicks, president of Georgia Family Council. “Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern. Historically, Americans have resisted the impulse to surrender to negative and hurtful trends. We fight problems like racism, poverty and domestic violence because we understand that the stakes are high. And while we’ll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed.”

The full report, press kit, and video of the press conference at the National Press Club are available at www.americanvalues.org.

Dr. Ben Scafidi, an economist, led the research. Stay tuned for more.

WHAT:    New, groundbreaking report: “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States.”  The report quantifies for the first time the astounding cost to government for family fragmentation; and is published by a coalition of research and policy groups—Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest.

WHO:      Panelist include:

• David Blankenhorn, president, Institute for American Values,
• Randy Hicks, president, Georgia Family Council,
• Maggie Gallagher, president, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy,
• Jeff Kemp, president, Families Northwest
• Ben Scafidi, Ph.D., economics professor at Georgia College and State University, and principal investigator of the report.

DATE:     Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

WHEN:    9 a.m. to 10:15 a.m. (Coffee and registration at 8:30)

WHERE:     The National Press Club in the Holeman Lounge
529 14th Street, N.W., Washington, D.C.

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60% have two or more children

40% have an annual family income of $50,000 or more

35% have children younger than 3 living with them

All this information takes me back to when I was a stay-at-home dad. I was not making $50,000 or more and I had exactly two kids at home (Both in diapers!). I think more men need to step up to the plate and help take care of the children.

I know there are many men who would hate the idea of staying at home, but sometimes a family needs to be smart and not fundamental when it comes providing for the family. The reality is, women have greater opportunities today to succeed at work.

There is nothing wrong with a man taking care of the kids full-time at home. He can provide for his family by working or staying at home, either way is just as important and masculine.

A family contract replaces the guessing game when it comes to discipline. Parents often find themselves trying to come up with new and creative ways to punish their children when rules are broken, the family contract ends that way of life. The family contract also puts the ownership of discipline on the child’s head and off of the parent. What?

One of the most powerful features of creating a family contract is that you sit down as a family and decide what the consequences of breaking the rules of the family are, in fact, the kids are the ones who are coming up with the consequences. The parents simply need to ask the question, “What do you think should be the consquence if you don’t do your chores for the day” or “What should be the consequence of you dishonoring your sister or father?”

When you allow your child to come up with the consequence he will accept the consquence better, and then you can become his ally rather than his enemy.

The key features of a family contract

I usually recommend starting a family contract around age five. The contract at this age is typically simple, obey God, our parents, and be kind to people and things like you learn in Matthew 22:37-39.

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (New Living Translation)

I always tell parents to have a single piece of paper when they hold their family meeting and to draw a line down the center of the paper. On the left side of the paper will be the expectations of the family. On the right side of the paper will be the consequences.

At this point it is important to establish the priorities of the family. What is most important to your family? Is it money? Is it cleaning? Is it possessions? Is it each other? Is it God?

For my family I want to make sure my children know that God is most important in our lives, then each other, then others, and then ourselves. So we start our family contract with honoring God and we explain what that means (I don’t write that down on the contract, but my children know what it means). Then we have honoring others (this includes family and friends). Then we go to honoring themselves.

On the right side of the paper we write down what the consequences of breaking those expectations would be, and this is when you ask your children to seriously participate. The consequences should be the worst for breaking these first expectations.

After you’ve accomplished this, you move on to the chores and other unique things of your family contract, but remember, your family contract should never go over one page of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. If it does, you’ve gone overboard. Also, your consequences should fit the expectation. If your child receives the exact same punishment for dishonoring God as he does for not doing his chores, then you’ve missed the point.

Family contracts, if given a chance, will increase the harmony in your home. I know, because they’ve worked for us

Here’s the deal, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent, you just have to learn how to repair the damage you create. Too many parents worry about not messing up, and this is a big part of their problem. They’re worried about something they don’t have control over. There is no way to avoid messing up, it’s a little thing called sin.

Instead, worry about quickly recognizing when you’ve made a mistake, then going to your children and repair the damage through soft words, touch, and changed behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the gift of humility. The ability to show our children that daddy was wrong and to say, “Will you forgive me?”

How can you set up your new family to succeed this holiday season?  It’s actually quite easy, take a look at these few ideas:

• Start making new family traditions: you don’t have to ditch the old ways, but things are different now, and you’d better embrace this and figure out ways to honor the new family.  Traditions are an excellent way for families to bond, so this really is an important step for a new stepfamily.
• Make sure an honor your ex by swapping holidays.  No one wins if you’re going to continue fighting long after the divorce.  Come up with creative ideas to share the holiday season, if you can’t come up with a win, don’t get angry, talk with some mutual friends to help figure out a creative solution that is a win/win for both of you.  I do this for a living and couples are always shocked when I’m able to come up with alternative solutions to conflicts they’ve had for months (and many times for years) just because I’m outside of their system.
• Make sure and communicate all plans to your ex-spouse, do not let any surprises happen or there will certainly be conflict during the holidays and that will hurt the holiday season for everyone.
• Think back to past holidays and remember what worked in the past and do that again   Sometimes that can be the simplest thing we can do is to continue doing what is already successful.
• Keep your expectations in check.  It’s not that you can’t have expectations, but rather, it’s how are you going to respond to any unmet expecatations?
• Plan, plan, plan, plan, and plan.  If you wait till the last minute as a stepfamily, the holiday season will be stressful.  You don’t have the luxury of waiting.  There are too many variables in your life to wait and you will set yourself up to get stressed out during this holiday season.  Get your holiday plan in order well in advance and you will thank yourself and enjoy the holidays.