Effective parenting comes from a solid foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.  You do not have that initially as a stepparent.  Worry more about building up your relationship with the stepchildren through unconditional love and acceptance than worrying about disciplining them.  Often times it is the biological parent that initially needs to keep up the work as the primary discipline force for the kids.  Remember, most kids did not want the divorce and are not happy about it, so don’t push yourself on to them because you want them to accept you.

Take the time to show them you’re serious about their parent and them.  Prove to them that you’re there to stay.  Once they figure out that you are for real, then you will be given the opportunity to have more influence on their lives.

No one likes divorce, especially a guy who works very hard at helping couples to avoid it. But there are literally millions of couples and families dealing with the hurtful effects from divorce, and I need to do a better job reaching out and posting specific articles, research, and other helpful tips for couples who want to be successful in their second (or more) marriages.

Our intensive program is full of couples who are on their second marriage. Even though I have not experienced divorce myself, I do get the chance to work many hours with the effects and special issues of second marriages and stepfamilies through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

How do you ensure a successful second marriage? Easy. Work. Education. Work. Patience. Work. More education. Lots more work. And tons of grace. I’m not trying to be goofy, but the very real reality is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. My simplified understanding to this problem is because of the amount of hurt, conflict, and stress the second marriage begins with.

If you want to be successful at your second marriage then you are going to have to put in the time to love each other well and learn each others’ love language (check out Gary Chapman’s book on this). But here are three concrete things you can do to make your second marriage a success:

1. Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately.
   You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20% of the problems in your first marriage, you need to spend 100% of your time fixing that 20%.  Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage.  Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves.  Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues.
2. Learn new ways of dealing with hurt feelings (LUV Talk), anger (LUV Talk), and unmet expectations (LUV Talk).
   LUV Talk is our communication method that you can learn through Embrace, The DNA of Relationships, or Don’t Date Naked and More than a Match.  When things go wrong you need a strict way of communicating feelings and needs.  You need a system to follow in order to keep the conversation safe and productive.  But let me just say this, one of the greatest things you can do when you experience a negative reaction is to simply take a time-out.  This is not permission to withdraw or avoid, but simply permission to say something like, “I am really upset right now and I need about an hour to calm down.  Can we talk in an hour?”
3. Give your stepchildren a break and simply take a big breath.
   One of the most stressful things about a second marriage are the stepkids.  This is not a slam on stepchildren, but rather a reality of second marriages.  Kids from divorce usually do not like the fact that their parents got divorced.  This anger and sadness carries itself in to the stepfamily.  Relax.  Give the kids room to be hurt and upset.  Work on validating any feelings or needs that come out (even if they do it unfairly or angrily).  They need time to adjust to the new family and forcing them to like the new parent will never work out in your best interest.

Well what do you think?  Do these three ideas seem possible?  You can make a second marriage work, it just takes work.  Do not give up, another divorce is only going to make things even more difficult and more painful.  You can do this and you will if you work at becoming more loving and caring toward your spouse and children.

1. Clearly define the problem.  Clarify what the actual conflict is first.  Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here:  tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it.  Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)
3. Encourage the child to explain and respond.  Use active listening (parrot talking).  Repeat to the other person what you heard them say.  Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa).  Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)
4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.  Avoiding score keeping.  “You are late for dinner.  I feel angry.  I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.”  Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual.  I remember when…”, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)
5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”
6. Avoid power statements and actions.  For example:  “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)
7. Avoid judgment.  Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)
8. Be honest in your statements and questions.  Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)
9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets).  Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.  Then help your children to identify their own bodily signs.(Prov. 10:12; 14:17,29; 15:18; 16:32; 19:19; 22:24; 29:11,22; 30:33; Eph. 6:4)
10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break.  It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)
11. Don’t use the silent treatment.  Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)
12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)
13. Control your hands and tongue.  Never use sarcasm or physical violence.  (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)
14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)
15. Select an appropriate time and place.  Don’t make a scene.  Never deliberately embarrass each other or others       by arguing in public.  Keep your arguments in private.  Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)
16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee.  The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)
17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment).  Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)
18. Speak directly and personally to your child.  Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s).  (Prov. 18:23)
19. Initiate some type of loving behavior toward the child during the conflict (i.e., holding hands, have the child sit in your lap, take a walk, etc.) (I John 4:18)
20. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
21. Don’t compare one child to another.  Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)
22. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)
23. When you’re wrong admit it.  Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined?  Was it written  down?  Was there miscommunication?, etc.).  Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)
24. Assign responsibility for the future.  Make sure it is written down so the child knows exactly what is expected of him/her.  Then hold the child accountable. (Prov. 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17; Heb. 12:9; Prov. 15:31; 1:8; 3:11; 13:1; 13:24; Eph. 6:4)
25. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions.  Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
26. Forgive your child and do not hold resentment.  End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)
27. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)
28. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

WASH. D.C.  In first-ever research, a new report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. It identifies national, state and local costs which account for more than $1 trillion in the last decade.  This landmark scholarly study, entitled “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States,” was released on April 15th at the National Press Club by four renowned policy and research groups—Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest.

“This study documents for the first time, that divorce and unwed childbearing—besides being bad for children—are also costing taxpayers a ton of money,” said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values.  “Even a small improvement in the health of marriage in America would result in enormous savings to taxpayers,” he continued. “For example, a 1 percent reduction in rates of family fragmentation would save taxpayers $1.1 billion.”

“These costs are due to increased taxpayer expenditures for anti-poverty, criminal justice and education programs, and through lower levels of taxes paid by individuals whose adult productivity has been negatively affected by increased childhood poverty caused by family fragmentation,” said principal investigator Ben Scafidi, Ph.D., economics professor at Georgia College & State University.

“Prior research shows that marriage lifts single mothers out of poverty and therefore reduces the need for costly social benefits,” said Scafidi. “This new report shows that public concern about the decline of marriage need not be based only on ‘moral’ concerns, but that reducing high taxpayer costs of family fragmentation is a legitimate concern of government, policymakers and legislators, as well as community reformers and faith communities.”

“This report now provides the basis for a national consensus that strengthening marriage is a legitimate policy concern,” said Blankenhorn. “The report’s numbers represent an extremely cautious estimate, a lower-bound figure, and have been vetted by a group of distinguished scholars and economists who have attached their names as advisors to this report.”

“These numbers represent real people and real suffering,” said Randy Hicks, president of Georgia Family Council. “Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern. Historically, Americans have resisted the impulse to surrender to negative and hurtful trends. We fight problems like racism, poverty and domestic violence because we understand that the stakes are high. And while we’ll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed.”

The full report, press kit, and video of the press conference at the National Press Club are available at www.americanvalues.org.

Dr. Ben Scafidi, an economist, led the research. Stay tuned for more.

WHAT:    New, groundbreaking report: “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States.”  The report quantifies for the first time the astounding cost to government for family fragmentation; and is published by a coalition of research and policy groups—Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest.

WHO:      Panelist include:

• David Blankenhorn, president, Institute for American Values,
• Randy Hicks, president, Georgia Family Council,
• Maggie Gallagher, president, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy,
• Jeff Kemp, president, Families Northwest
• Ben Scafidi, Ph.D., economics professor at Georgia College and State University, and principal investigator of the report.

DATE:     Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

WHEN:    9 a.m. to 10:15 a.m. (Coffee and registration at 8:30)

WHERE:     The National Press Club in the Holeman Lounge
529 14th Street, N.W., Washington, D.C.

She then told me that she didn’t like the term “time-out”. So she puts kids on the “thinking bench” or “thinking chair” because they have some things to think over. I really liked this because it sounds and feels more productive and not so negative. Not that calling it a “time-out” is going to critically wound your child, but she does have an interesting twist.

Divorce can strengthen kids’ ability to sustain successful relationships, but only if their parents stay supportive throughout the ordeal—and afterward. Parents should explain their marital dilemmas to their children to alert them to problems they might otherwise duplicate. In the end, good communication can prevent romantic history from repeating itself.

My first thoughts wonder about the validity of David Mahl’s research methods.  Mahl makes a very unique statement about children of divorce, one that I’m not accustomed to seeing in any other research (not that I’ve done all the research possible).  Secondly, I wonder why the parents couldn’t get along in their marriage when it seems apparent that they need to get along in their divorce in order for the children to do well in future relationships.

Divorce doesn’t need to be a reality, and this is something I tell couples frequently.  Listen…if your children are going to avoid the tremendously negative effects of divorce, then you will have to learn how to get along with each other.  So why not do that in your marriage as opposed getting along after your divorce?

That is true…but what about the situation I am in. My husband claimed to be a Christian when we got married. He has been a pain med addict for the past few yrs now & now he is into internet porn. I HAVE tried to forgive and move past all that. He doesn’t want to give up his sin. I cannot keep subjecting my 4 children to that. Sometimes 2 people are better off not being together. I never thought I would see myself in a split home. But as for me & my children…we do not have a broken home. My husband is the one that is broken.

I experience situations like this each month through the Marriage Restoration Intensive program. You are not alone in your fear and struggle for your marriage. Your husband’s addiction to pills and pornography is destructive and hurtful for the marriage and your children.

But there is something I want to challenge you on, and it hit me while reading your comment. Your husband is not the only broken one in the marriage. I’m not saying you are exactly like him, so please do not stop reading this post. But do not be fooled into believe you are not broken. We are all broken and can always find a way to try something different or improve ourselves. We are all cursed with this thing called sin. No one is free from the curse.

I don’t know how many years you’ve been married, but I want to encourage you through some verses. You will want to hide these deep in your heart because they will give you strength.

1 John 3:14
The way we know we’ve been transferred from death to life is that we love our brothers and sisters. Anyone who doesn’t love is as good as dead.

3:17-18
If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God’s love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.

4:7-8
My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love – so you can’t know him if you don’t love.

1 John 4:12
No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us – perfect love!

1 John 4:20
If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see?

1 Peter 3:1-6
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance – the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes – but your inner disposition. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as “my dear husband.” You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

I hope you take these as encouragement and not as a prison sentence. But too many times I meet with individuals who’s marriages are in crisis and they feel that anything and everything had been done to save the marriage. I rarely meet the person who’s tried everything. Your husband needs help, that is obvious, but maybe your strategy to help him has been faulty? Your husband’s change is not up to you, that is between him and God. But you can certainly win your husband over through your attitude. Like it says in 1 Peter 3:1-6, your “inner disposition” can make a world of difference to your marriage.

As for leaving your husband, this needs to be prayed for fervently and with other strong Christian friends who are walking with God in a real relationship. If God ever gives you and your friends peace about leaving, then you are in God’s will. Pornography and drug addiction are unacceptable in a marriage, but do not be fooled in believing divorce will make your life easier…it won’t. You’ll need to be prepared financially, spiritually, and emotionally to handle the divorce.

If there is one thing I’ve learned through the years of counseling couples in crisis – divorce always makes a bad situation even worse. So don’t be naive about how you will feel if you proceed with a divorce. You will need all the strength and support possible to make it through.

My first mistake was leaving the laptop in an area where the kids want to eat. The second mistake I made was when I lazily got up from the couch and strolled over to the refrigerator for something to eat and noticed that my oldest child, Cole, had closed the laptop. The third mistake I made was reacting to the scene before I calmly and lovingly gathered data on why the laptop was closed. All I knew was that the conversion was now messed up! So I snapped at Cole and let him know that he shouldn’t be touching my laptop…ever.

When I finally took a breath after the thorough tongue lashing of Cole, he quietly and meagerly said, “But there were some ‘bad’ pictures of CD albums on the screen and I didn’t think I should see them. That’s why I closed it.” Ohhhhh. My iTunes screen saver had gone in to effect and was randomly displaying cover art from albums I’d purchased.

In essence, I shamed my son for doing the right thing!

It is always a wise decision to think before we freak out on someone, especially our children. I quickly apologized to Cole and asked him to forgive me for yelling at him, then I tucked in my tail and headed out of the kitchen with my foot firmly planted in my mouth.

A family contract replaces the guessing game when it comes to discipline. Parents often find themselves trying to come up with new and creative ways to punish their children when rules are broken, the family contract ends that way of life. The family contract also puts the ownership of discipline on the child’s head and off of the parent. What?

One of the most powerful features of creating a family contract is that you sit down as a family and decide what the consequences of breaking the rules of the family are, in fact, the kids are the ones who are coming up with the consequences. The parents simply need to ask the question, “What do you think should be the consquence if you don’t do your chores for the day” or “What should be the consequence of you dishonoring your sister or father?”

When you allow your child to come up with the consequence he will accept the consquence better, and then you can become his ally rather than his enemy.

The key features of a family contract

I usually recommend starting a family contract around age five. The contract at this age is typically simple, obey God, our parents, and be kind to people and things like you learn in Matthew 22:37-39.

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (New Living Translation)

I always tell parents to have a single piece of paper when they hold their family meeting and to draw a line down the center of the paper. On the left side of the paper will be the expectations of the family. On the right side of the paper will be the consequences.

At this point it is important to establish the priorities of the family. What is most important to your family? Is it money? Is it cleaning? Is it possessions? Is it each other? Is it God?

For my family I want to make sure my children know that God is most important in our lives, then each other, then others, and then ourselves. So we start our family contract with honoring God and we explain what that means (I don’t write that down on the contract, but my children know what it means). Then we have honoring others (this includes family and friends). Then we go to honoring themselves.

On the right side of the paper we write down what the consequences of breaking those expectations would be, and this is when you ask your children to seriously participate. The consequences should be the worst for breaking these first expectations.

After you’ve accomplished this, you move on to the chores and other unique things of your family contract, but remember, your family contract should never go over one page of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. If it does, you’ve gone overboard. Also, your consequences should fit the expectation. If your child receives the exact same punishment for dishonoring God as he does for not doing his chores, then you’ve missed the point.

Family contracts, if given a chance, will increase the harmony in your home. I know, because they’ve worked for us

Here’s the deal, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent, you just have to learn how to repair the damage you create. Too many parents worry about not messing up, and this is a big part of their problem. They’re worried about something they don’t have control over. There is no way to avoid messing up, it’s a little thing called sin.

Instead, worry about quickly recognizing when you’ve made a mistake, then going to your children and repair the damage through soft words, touch, and changed behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the gift of humility. The ability to show our children that daddy was wrong and to say, “Will you forgive me?”

How can you set up your new family to succeed this holiday season?  It’s actually quite easy, take a look at these few ideas:

• Start making new family traditions: you don’t have to ditch the old ways, but things are different now, and you’d better embrace this and figure out ways to honor the new family.  Traditions are an excellent way for families to bond, so this really is an important step for a new stepfamily.
• Make sure an honor your ex by swapping holidays.  No one wins if you’re going to continue fighting long after the divorce.  Come up with creative ideas to share the holiday season, if you can’t come up with a win, don’t get angry, talk with some mutual friends to help figure out a creative solution that is a win/win for both of you.  I do this for a living and couples are always shocked when I’m able to come up with alternative solutions to conflicts they’ve had for months (and many times for years) just because I’m outside of their system.
• Make sure and communicate all plans to your ex-spouse, do not let any surprises happen or there will certainly be conflict during the holidays and that will hurt the holiday season for everyone.
• Think back to past holidays and remember what worked in the past and do that again   Sometimes that can be the simplest thing we can do is to continue doing what is already successful.
• Keep your expectations in check.  It’s not that you can’t have expectations, but rather, it’s how are you going to respond to any unmet expecatations?
• Plan, plan, plan, plan, and plan.  If you wait till the last minute as a stepfamily, the holiday season will be stressful.  You don’t have the luxury of waiting.  There are too many variables in your life to wait and you will set yourself up to get stressed out during this holiday season.  Get your holiday plan in order well in advance and you will thank yourself and enjoy the holidays.

Here’s my opinion on the issue on how the step-children should or should not be included in the wedding ceremony.  They should be asked.  Their opinion should count for how they are included in the ceremony.  Their opinion probably didn’t count during the divorce of their biological parents, so maybe their opinions can count now.

That’s about all I have to say on that subject…you can always add what you wish.