As women, how can we set ourselves up to be safe in public? I was out jogging today and I passed by about 10 or so construction workers and I thought… I’m vulnerable. I can run but I don’t think I can out run all of them. These thoughts came into my mind, hopefully they are helpful for you to think about:

1. Make eye contact with each man (or woman) and say good morning. The psychos out there use people as objects and don’t want to see you as real. By looking at these men in the eyes I want to communicate I am a person and I see you. I acknowledge you as a person, now you do the same and don’t look at me like an object.
2. I dress appropriately. It’s hot and I know my clothes will stick to me so I try to dress in colors that aren’t see through or too tight. I have to be honest, I like to look cute when I jog- but cute can still be appropriate. When in doubt about my attire, I ask Michael. He’s honest and not too picky.
3. I don’t look back- when I’m jogging I don’t look to see if the men behind me are watching me more than I’d like. I don’t want to give them more amo, like I like it. A man wouldn’t look back so I don’t either.
4. I don’t engage in long conversations in the gym. When I start talking about my passions and interests I’ve gone too far. Keep it friendly but simple.
5. I want my non verbals to communicate I honor myself and my marriage. I try to carry myself with unseen boundaries. You know when you feel like someone is busy and you shouldn’t really want interrupt- that’s them message I try to send.

These are just a few of my ideas. Does anyone else have more they would like to add?

Do you remember the once popular TV show titled “Golden Girls”? One of its most popular stars was Bea Arthur, she died this past Saturday of cancer at the age of 86. Although I grieve for her family and the loss of her life (which I truly do), I am so upset about a story that ran on CBS Sunday Morning News!

I love CBS Sunday Morning News because they typically do creative and interesting stories and rarely paint a bleak picture of the people and planet we live on. However, on Sunday while doing a “remember her” profile story on Bea Arthur, CBS felt it was important to include a scene from an episode of Maude where Bea Arthur gets permission from her stage husband to have an abortion.

Apparently, Maude got pregnant at the age of 40, but did not want to be pregnant. So the show highlighted her “right” to have an abortion and took a very strong pro abortion stance. I hate abortion (and not the women who choose to have them) and the clip that CBS chose to show just highlighted one of the main reasons why I hate abortion.

The only reason the character Maude wanted to have an abortion was because it was inconvenient for her at 40-years old. She was married, healthy and perfectly able financially (not that the lack of any of these things would ever justify an abortion) to have the child. But she did not want to because it would be a hassle to her at her age.

This highlights the grotesque and selfish nature of abortion. Again, I have counseled young ladies who’ve been raped or molested and chose to have an abortion. I get that young women every day get tricked in to thinking that the abortion will be no big deal and that it will solve their problems. I truly grieve for women who go through an abortion because I’ve seen the other side – the side of hurt, shame, guilt and sorrow as a result of the decision.

But to highlight a scene where the woman simply feels like the child would be a hassle was irresponsible and displayed poor judgment by CBS producers. When are we going to realize that it never pays to be selfish. Satan was the first example of what self-centeredness can lead to, but yet we keep on keeping on when it comes to selfishness.

The world will be a better place when each one of us chooses to think of others (before ourselves) and act in a way that builds each other up rather than destroying each other.

No one likes divorce, especially a guy who works very hard at helping couples to avoid it. But there are literally millions of couples and families dealing with the hurtful effects from divorce, and I need to do a better job reaching out and posting specific articles, research, and other helpful tips for couples who want to be successful in their second (or more) marriages.

Our intensive program is full of couples who are on their second marriage. Even though I have not experienced divorce myself, I do get the chance to work many hours with the effects and special issues of second marriages and stepfamilies through our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

How do you ensure a successful second marriage? Easy. Work. Education. Work. Patience. Work. More education. Lots more work. And tons of grace. I’m not trying to be goofy, but the very real reality is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. My simplified understanding to this problem is because of the amount of hurt, conflict, and stress the second marriage begins with.

If you want to be successful at your second marriage then you are going to have to put in the time to love each other well and learn each others’ love language (check out Gary Chapman’s book on this). But here are three concrete things you can do to make your second marriage a success:

1. Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately.
   You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20% of the problems in your first marriage, you need to spend 100% of your time fixing that 20%.  Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage.  Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves.  Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues.
2. Learn new ways of dealing with hurt feelings (LUV Talk), anger (LUV Talk), and unmet expectations (LUV Talk).
   LUV Talk is our communication method that you can learn through Embrace, The DNA of Relationships, or Don’t Date Naked and More than a Match.  When things go wrong you need a strict way of communicating feelings and needs.  You need a system to follow in order to keep the conversation safe and productive.  But let me just say this, one of the greatest things you can do when you experience a negative reaction is to simply take a time-out.  This is not permission to withdraw or avoid, but simply permission to say something like, “I am really upset right now and I need about an hour to calm down.  Can we talk in an hour?”
3. Give your stepchildren a break and simply take a big breath.
   One of the most stressful things about a second marriage are the stepkids.  This is not a slam on stepchildren, but rather a reality of second marriages.  Kids from divorce usually do not like the fact that their parents got divorced.  This anger and sadness carries itself in to the stepfamily.  Relax.  Give the kids room to be hurt and upset.  Work on validating any feelings or needs that come out (even if they do it unfairly or angrily).  They need time to adjust to the new family and forcing them to like the new parent will never work out in your best interest.

Well what do you think?  Do these three ideas seem possible?  You can make a second marriage work, it just takes work.  Do not give up, another divorce is only going to make things even more difficult and more painful.  You can do this and you will if you work at becoming more loving and caring toward your spouse and children.

When we wrote the book, Don’t Date Naked, we wrote it because we had to.  We were so passionate about young adults learning that they could be successful in dating, that we put it in to book format.  There is something new we are getting passionate about and that I know is going to lead to a new book.

What does love mean to you?  What does love REALLY mean to you?  Through the centuries love has been defined in many different ways.  When I look around at American weddings and marriages, I am starting to see a very disturbing trend developing. Love is beginning to look a lot like happiness.  Many people I encounter through our MRI program and as a pastor believe the following, “If I am happy, then I am loving.”  Love has become the result of how we feel and whether or not we are experiencing joy and happiness.

So if I am in a relationship where I feel good and am being treated well, then I  love.  This kind of thinking is beginning to seriously undermine the health of all relationships in America (not just marriages but parents to children and children to parents and so forth).  In essence, love follows good feelings.

This kind of view toward love is  faulty, however.  My father’s first marriage seminar was titled, Love is a Decision.  That seminar was created more than 35 years ago, but it couldn’t be more relevant for today’s culture.  We need a lot more decisions and a lot less feelings.

In order for a relationship to be successful, you need to be committed to it 100 percent.  I just finished a three-hour session with a couple where the wife told her husband that she is committed to him no matter what, no matter how bad the marriage gets, and no matter what he does (of course this does not mean allowing for affairs or emotional and physical abuse).  He had a hard time accepting her stance for their marriage.  He could not wrap his mind around the fact that even though things were not going the wife’s way, she was still committed.  He said to me, “Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage when they are not happy?”  His question represents, in a dramatic way, what our culture believes about love.  He then went on to say that she is “crazy” for believing this way and turned to me asking, “Do you seriously support her in this?”

Yes. Yes I do.

She made a vow to both her husband and God the day she chose to get married.  That vow means something to the wife, even when things are not going well.  Does love mean never quitting?  Yes it does.  There are no excuses for love.  We can not get to a place where we can justify not loving our spouse or child because of their sinful behavior. As far as I can tell from reading scripture, the bible never gives us an out on quitting love.  Jesus did not quit on us and I believe that Jesus does not want us to quit on others.

Amy had a profound insight last week and this is the perfect time and place to share it with you.  I have been preaching at several churches lately, and my message has included a little bit of direction and understanding on Paul’s view on salvation and Jame’s view on Christians.  When you read any of Paul’s letters where he addresses salvation, you get a clear message that there is nothing you can do to earn salvation.  Salvation is a gift from God and there are no amount of works you can do to ever earn the gift.  We Christians love Paul’s stance and embrace it wholeheartedly.  It is not by works, but by faith that we can come in to a personal and real relationship with Jesus.

But when you read James, he says something that feels very contradictory to what Paul wrote in his letters.  James blatantly writes that it is not by faith but by works.  Are Paul and James contradicting one another?  I know that atheists and Christian haters have argued that through the centuries, but is it true?  Do Paul and James have opposite and opposing views on faith?

The answer is no, and this can easily be discovered by looking at the audience each author was writing to.  Paul was writing to the heathens, gentiles, and basically all of those who were not in a relationship with Christ.  James was writing to fellow Christians.  The audience the two apostles were writing to makes a major impact on understanding their messages.

When James wrote that it is not by faith but by works, he was challenging the Christian that if you believe in Jesus, then you need to prove that belief.  You can not simply say that you believe, but then go on with life and live with bitterness, hatred, or unforgiveness.  When we believe in Jesus, then our attitude and behavior changes, because Jesus is the great healer and changer of lives!  Our works prove our faith!

Amy’s insight was that you can take this same concept and apply it to marriage.  Once I say, “I do”, then my actions need to prove my love for Amy.  I can not assume that Amy feels love, I need to go out there and prove it every day of my life, especially when things are hard.  If Amy had an accident and became paralyzed, does that give me an excuse to leave her because she has so dramatically changed? No.  But that is an easy example.

What if your spouse is making poor financial decisions, watching porn, or simply not being kind to you?  What now?  Do we have the excuse to quit because we are not experiencing the kind of love we had expected when we chose to get married? No. The danger in American society today is that too many people quit because things are simply not going well for them.  This attitude is dangerious, lazy, and weak.

I apologize if this offends you, but I have to say it, I am obligated from my very being to say it.  No matter how tough the situation gets (and again, I’m not talking to those in physcially or emotionally abusive relationships), you have to do the right thing, and the right thing is to always be patient, kind, merciful, gracious, forgiving, and unyeilding in your commitment to others.

Love never quits.

I’ve learned something extremely important today. My sister and brother-in-law recently forwarded me a link to a free manifesto (and not the bad kind of manifestos by socialists or communists). It is simply called, “279 Days to overnight success“. I have to say that Chris Guillebeau’s resource is quite extraordinary! I would recommend anyone who is a writer to download it for free here.

Anyway, he has inspired me to start getting to know you (the reader) far better. I must admit that I have not done a good job at truly discovering what you need this site to be. So I want to change that all immediately, and my first step is this survey.

Please take a couple minutes out of your day to complete this simply survey. It is meant to help me better understand your needs and what you want from a blog about relationships. This will help focus my writing and energy in actually creating posts and tweets that help you have a better relationship.

Thanks again for your support and time in filling out the survey! Many good things will come from this and I am so excited about the future of this blog!

What do you think of this video? You can also check them out at www.nationformarriage.org.