When Mandela took office I can remember wondering if he was going to go about the business of paying back all the harm done to blacks in South Africa through Apartheid.  It would make sense, right?  The way blacks were treated for generations in South Africa was disgusting, cruel, and on a level with evil.  As a white American, I can not even begin to relate or understand what it must have been like for blacks during Apartheid.  So it made sense to me that they would go after all the main leaders of the hate and punish them severely.  No mercy!

Strangely, Mandela did not promote the idea of “getting back” at all the people who were leaders in Apartheid.  In fact, he did just the opposite.  He issued the strategy of Reconciliation.  He wanted his country to move forward, no backward, and to do this he knew the only way was to forgive and reconcile with the enemy.  This is not a history post of all the details of Mandela’s policy of reconciliation, but it is important to note that his policy worked.  I’ve personally been to South Africa three different times, and I can assure you that things in that country are very different, and for the better, since Mandela took over and lead the way to lasting and authentic change.

How can Mandela save your marriage?  One word, reconciliation.  If your spouse has hurt you through an affair or lack of interest in the marriage and you decide to hold that against your spouse, then things will never get better.  If you are consistently holding the mistakes of your spouse over her head, then you will never recover and experience the joy and healing power of reconciliation.  Reconciliation is the only way to move forward in any relationship, but especially in the relationship with your husband or wife.

Reconciliation is not only forgiving someone for their mistakes it is a decision to move forward and go about the work of repairing the damage done in the relationship.  Charles Hauss had this to say about further defining reconciliation, “However, almost everyone acknowledges that it [reconciliation] includes at least four critical components identified by John Paul Lederach — truth, justice, mercy, and peace.”

Each one of the four components of reconciliation work beautifully in saving a marriage.  If your marriage is stressed out, then first start with the truth.  Keeping secrets does not grow couples closer together.  Secrets push you further a part.  When we keep secrets from our spouse, we are denying access to our full selves.  When we deny access to ourselves, fully, then our spouse will feel disconnected.  No one wants to feel disconnected.  Truth is about loving each other enough to have integrity, even when it is going to hurt.

Justice.  At first this word might feel scary.  It did to me.  But justice is not about punishment.  I am understanding justice as being more about love.  In the context of marriage, justice can be doing the right thing and standing up for the marriage even thought things are not going well.  Justice is about doing good and avoiding harm.  Justice fits with reconciliation because it moves us forward and does not take us backward toward revenge or hate.  Justice says to me, “I want this to work, so what is it going to take?”  Justice is doing good for your spouse and not punishing.

Mercy and peace are easy ones to see in the process of saving a marriage.  If you can not have mercy toward each other, you can not have peace.  What does every couple want when going through a crisis?  Peace.  But before peace we must have an attitude of mercy.  Mercy is when we decide to love our spouse even though we are not being loved back.  Mercy is about making a loud noise with our kindness, graciousness, and humility rather than our shouting, blaming, or pride.  When we are merciful, our spouse will respond in kind.  It is the natural law of human relationships.  Be good to others and they will be good to you.  When mercy is running at full speed, peace is not far behind.

Peace is the idea that you can live together in harmony and enjoy each other’s company.  Who doesn’t want that in a relationship? Peace is the goal.  Peace allows us to sit back and relax on the pleasure of our relationship.  There is no crisis in peace.  If you want to save your marriage, then spend your energy on reconciliation.  Spending energy on bitterness or unforgiveness will only make your life more miserable.  It does not have to be that way.  You have a choice through the power of one to really turn your attitude around.  If you clothe yourself in reconciliation, then you will be setting up the marriage to thrive!

I would need serious medication if I kept treating total strangers like I treat my own family.  We are harder on the people we actually care about, which is why we need to put some structure on what we say and don’t say.

Following is a list of things you should not say in a fight that some of my counselors and retreat attendees at The Smalley Marriage and Family Center came up with:

• Don’t use never or always in statements (this only causes defensiveness and raises the intensity of the conflict)
• Don’t comment on the person’s appearance negatively
• Don’t bring up the past and use it against someone
• Don’t curse at each other
• Don’t mention divorce (I can not stress this one enough; you can never threaten divorce because you can never take that statement back)
• Don’t say “I hate you!”
• Don’t say “You’re just like your mother!” (in other words, try and keep extended family out of the argument)
• Don’t use “You” in blaming, intense sentences
• Don’t make personal attacks like, “You’re so lazy!” “You’re worthless!”
• Don’t turn the table on someone, in other words, you can’t say something like “Well, I’m not the only one who doesn’t clean the house…you…”
• Don’t kitchen sink (which means you can’t bring up everything the person has ever done to you.  Keep it to the here and now.)

Copy and print this list and put it somewhere so you can be reminded of how to keep your conflict as safe as possible.

Dating tips that might possibly be effective | mndaily.com

The verse is James 1:5 and is from The Message:

5 If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it.

By the way, you won’t believe how Reagan worked the word “cheese” into this devotional. It is quite hilarious!

Questions you can ask the kids:

1. What kinds of questions can you ask God?
2. Does God seem interested in our problems?
3. Is there any problem that we can have that God would laugh at or ignore?

Hi Michael I have a favor to ask you…What is the different between love and being in love?

Here was my answer, I thought many of you might like reading this response and I pray it is encouraging to you:

What a great question Belky! Here’s the difference, when you are “in love”, that can always go away, because feelings come and go. That kind of love is situational and based on feelings and how well you’re being treated or feel at the time. But when you love someone, that is a decision and is not prone to emotional quirks, but rather fortified through commitment. That is the kind of love that is real. And incidentally, when you choose to love someone, no matter what, the feelings of love always follow =]

He’s the mowing mailman

This postman delivers much more than mail.

By Lane DeGregory, Times Staff Writer

Published December 11, 2007

Mailman Eric Wills, 30, wears a large smile after drinking a nice cold drink supplied by a concerned neighbor after cutting Clifford Andrews lawn. It took Wills more than an hour to cut the yard that Andrew says is the same size as five lots. For the last two years, Wills has been spending his days off mowing older men and womens yards for free.

Wills turns from the mail to the lawn this day at the home of Elizabeth Krupa in the Euclid-St. Paul neighborhood of St. Petersburg.

While dispatching the mail two summers ago, Wills decided it was time to dispatch with the overgrown grass.

On his day off, the mailman returns to his route. He drives a beat-up Cherokee with a homemade trailer hitched to the bumper, parks in front of a little blue house on a corner lot tangled with weeds.

He carries no mailbag. He has nothing to deliver. Except his time.

The mailman unlocks his trailer and rolls a red lawn mower onto the yard. He tugs a battered ball cap over his sandy hair and wades into the weeds.

“This is Jack’s house,” says the mailman. It all started at Jack’s house.

Eric Wills’ postal route takes him on a 10-mile hike through the center of the city.

He starts with businesses along Central Avenue, but most of his route is residential. The neighborhoods are mixed, racially and economically. Immaculate two-story homes tower over boarded-up bungalows.

Wills, 30, has been walking the same streets for six years. When he was offered a better route, closer to his home in the Northeast Park area of St. Petersburg, he refused. Somewhere along these cracked sidewalks he found his path.

These are his people: all 480.

He knows who’s on vacation, whose in-laws have moved in, who gets the best catalogs, the most bills. When mail starts coming addressed just to Mrs., he knows there’s no longer a Mr.

He delivers directly to each house – climbs those steps, stands on those porches. Elderly residents call their thanks through mail slots.

For some, Wills is the only person who ever comes to the door.

Ask him about the people on his route and he’ll tell you about Miss Lucille, 86, who worked on Navy ships during World War II; and Miss Betty, 83, whose Irish wolfhound weighs more than she does.

And he’ll talk about Jack and his overgrown lawn.

Iron banisters flank the front steps of Jack’s little blue house. Two summers ago, they were strangled with vines. To get the mail to the front door, Wills had to fight through a jungle.

The mailman didn’t know much about Jack, except that he was old and seldom got out. A frail-looking girlfriend who didn’t seem to speak English lived with him.

For weeks, the mailman struggled through the thicket, silently cursing the man who wouldn’t mow his yard. One day, he heard a voice. His conscience? God?

Someone should mow that yard!

Me.

When Wills’ letter bag was empty, he drove home and loaded the lawn mower into the back of his Cherokee.

Then he returned to the middle of his mail route.

He knocked on Jack’s door, said he wanted to cut the yard. Just to help. No charge. “That yard is the least of my worries,” the old man barked.

So Wills mowed that corner lot. Two weeks later, he mowed it again. Even after the old man moved into a nursing home, the mailman kept mowing his yard. As long as Jack’s girlfriend was getting the mail, the mailman would look after the lawn.

For two years, Wills has been cutting Jack’s lawn. That yard led to another, and another, and another . . .

On the Monday after Thanksgiving, Wills pours gas into the push mower in Jack’s yard and bends to pull the cord. The ancient engine chokes to life.

Wills is tall, with broad shoulders. His calves are thick knots from hiking his route, from pushing that mower on his day off. He longs for a rider, or at least a commercial grade push model. But with the price of gas these days, he can barely afford to fill his tank.

He turns the mower to the sidewalk, shoves his wire-rim glasses higher on his nose. As he starts to cut, a car pulls up and a dark-haired woman gets out.

“Aren’t you the mailman?” she asks.

Wills nods and shuts off the mower.

“My mother lives here. Jack’s girlfriend?” says the woman. “Didn’t you get her note?”

In time, word spread about the mowing mailman. Much of it, Wills spread himself.

Once he started seeing overgrown yards not as eyesores but as a sign someone needed help, he began knocking on doors along his route. He told churches about his service. Other letter carriers sent referrals.

Wills cuts 15 yards now – for free. In the winter, he comes every two weeks; in summer, he tries to make it weekly. His record is eight yards in a day.

He works alone, in silence, except for the hum of the mower. No iPod or headphones intrude. He says he thinks about nothing. Everything. Mowing, he says, gives him peace.

Several years ago, Wills hurt his foot playing pickup basketball. Every step was agony. He worried he’d have to give up his postal route. So he prayed. And God healed him, he says.

He had been searching for a way to give back. But until he got engulfed in Jack’s yard, he wasn’t sure how. Now he knows: His calling smells like grass.

“It’s just my little way of making a difference,” he says. Some of these folks wish they could get out and mow; many can’t afford $100 a month for a lawn service. They sit at home, watching through their windows while things get worse.

“A yard is a reflection of the person who lives there,” Wills says. “So why not help them feel better?”

Lucille Formanek, 86, calls Wills “a blessing from heaven.” A self-described old maid, she has lived alone since her mother died. “He’s such a nice, strong young man.”

Wills and his brother built a trailer to haul lawn gear. They painted a stick man on the side, mowing around a huge brown cross. Sprayed-on letters say, “Lawns for the Lord.”

But the mailman’s ministry includes more than mowing.

He rented a bush hog to clear an aged man’s five lots; carried out garbage for a retired nun – then paved a path to her garbage bin; dug up azaleas for a single mom; moved heavy planters for a widow; brought his 7-year-old daughter to play piano for a lonely old lady. Recently he replaced a lightbulb for an elderly woman who said she hadn’t been able to read her thermostat for weeks.

“In all that time, I was the only person who’d come to her door,” Wills said. “What if I hadn’t come?”

The little blue house has a postage stamp porch. Shaggy shrubs fan across the mailbox. Usually, Jack’s girlfriend is good about bringing in the mail.

But just before Thanksgiving, letters started piling up.

All those holiday fliers buried the note.

It’s folded in the bottom of the mailbox, written on torn paper. Wills fishes it out and walks across the yard. He smooths the message over the handle of his mower.

To: Mr. Mailman

Thank you for your help cutting the grass. Jack died last night and I will be moving out. Again, thank you very much.

The note was signed Zaida. Wills had never known her name.

Lane DeGregory can be reached at 727 893-8825 or degregory@sptimes.com.

Want to help?

If you want to help the mowing mailman, or if you know someone who needs his help, contact him at (727) 642-3971.

1. Clearly define the problem.  Clarify what the actual conflict is first.  Then, see if there is any other reason this conflict is here:  tired, low sugar level, etc. (Prov. 13:10; 18:13; 22:3)
2. Quickly acknowledged the problem soon after the mistake and try to resolve it.  Don’t hope the problem will just go away. (Prov. 27:23)
3. Encourage the child to explain and respond.  Use active listening (parrot talking).  Repeat to the other person what you heard them say.  Get their agreement about what you heard them say before responding (vice-versa).  Learn to listen! (Prov. 14:33; 24:3-4)
4. Discuss only one thing at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t dredge up past hurts or problems, whether real or perceived.  Avoiding score keeping.  “You are late for dinner.  I feel angry.  I wanted everything to be warm and tasty.”  Rather than “You are late for dinner as usual.  I remember when…”, etc. (Prov. 19:10; 103:12)
5. Don’t argue about details, e.g. “You were 20 min. late,” “No, I was only 13 min. late.”
6. Avoid power statements and actions.  For example:  “I quit!” “You’re killing me.”, etc. (Prov. 17:27; 26:21; 28:16,25; II Tim. 2:7)
7. Avoid judgment.  Stay with self-responsible “I” messages. (Matt. 7:1)
8. Be honest in your statements and questions.  Honesty needs to be accurate, rather than agreement or perfection. (Eph. 4:15; Prov. 12:19)
9. Don’t confront when you’re angry or stressed out (cool your jets).  Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down.  Then help your children to identify their own bodily signs.(Prov. 10:12; 14:17,29; 15:18; 16:32; 19:19; 22:24; 29:11,22; 30:33; Eph. 6:4)
10. Never walk out without agreeing to take a break.  It is okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off. (Eph. 4:26; Prov. 11:14)
11. Don’t use the silent treatment.  Nothing gets solved this way. (Prov. 3:27; 16:13,21,24)
12. Never threaten to withdraw love. (Prov. 28:25; 29:23)
13. Control your hands and tongue.  Never use sarcasm or physical violence.  (Prov. 15:4; 12:18; 29:2-3; 16:13)
14. Don’t use “hysterical” statements or exaggerations at the time of conflict. (Prov. 29:11; 16:21,24)
15. Select an appropriate time and place.  Don’t make a scene.  Never deliberately embarrass each other or others       by arguing in public.  Keep your arguments in private.  Perhaps even away from siblings if necessary.(Prov. 15:23; Prov. 25:11)
16. Don’t drag in outsiders unless each member agrees that this person can help find a solution or help referee.  The person needs to be someone who can maintain unbiased opinion and someone who everyone respects and feels safe with. (Prov. 1:5; 12:15; 19:20; 20:18; 27:9)
17. Surround criticism with encouragement (praise bombardment).  Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes rather than on faults. (Prov. 15:1; Prov. 15:13)
18. Speak directly and personally to your child.  Avoid lecturing and stay with concrete specific behavioral detail(s).  (Prov. 18:23)
19. Initiate some type of loving behavior toward the child during the conflict (i.e., holding hands, have the child sit in your lap, take a walk, etc.) (I John 4:18)
20. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
21. Don’t compare one child to another.  Be aware of each others differences and accept them (lion, otter, beaver, and golden retriever). (Prov. 22:6)
22. Give value and consideration to the interests, goals, and desires of each person. (Prov. 29:7)
23. When you’re wrong admit it.  Accept any blame for the past (Was the rule clearly defined?  Was it written  down?  Was there miscommunication?, etc.).  Identify your own contribution to the problem. (Prov. 28:13; 29:23)
24. Assign responsibility for the future.  Make sure it is written down so the child knows exactly what is expected of him/her.  Then hold the child accountable. (Prov. 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17; Heb. 12:9; Prov. 15:31; 1:8; 3:11; 13:1; 13:24; Eph. 6:4)
25. Resolve your conflicts with “Win-Win” solutions.  Both agree with the solution or outcome of the argument.
26. Forgive your child and do not hold resentment.  End a fight with an act of love. (Col. 3:12-13; I Peter 3:8-9)
27. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words or actions during a conflict. (Romans 12:10; 2:3)
28. Make conflict resolution a regular habit. (Prov. 13:24)

If we want America to heal from the self-inflicted wounds of divorce, unwed child bearing, and dead-beat fathers we need an America where the vast majority of couples place high value on their relationship with God, honoring each other and respecting the environment.  How many irresponsible individuals like hedonists, addicts, prostitutes, and absent fathers can America handle before the very fabric of our society crumbles?

Imagine how a loving, thriving marriage community in America would impact its very foundation.  The results would be staggering and culture-changing.  So how many healthy couples would it take to create this kind of revolution in America?    We need to ask the respected sociologists this question.

“There are some mothers and some uncles among the 150 people in the ballroom of the Broadmoor hotel, but the night belongs to fathers and daughters. The girls generally range in age from college down to the tiny 4-year-old dressed all in purple who has climbed up into her father’s arms to be carried. Some are in their first high heels–you can tell by the way they walk, like uncertain baby giraffes. Randy Wilson, co-inventor of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball, offers a blessing: he calls on the men to be good and loving listeners, tender, gracious and truthful. And he prays that the girls might ’step into the world with strength and passion, to lead this generation.’”

Read the entire TIME magazine article here.

The apostle Paul in Philippians gives us a good answer:

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. 7 Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 8 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. 9 Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
(Philippians 4:6-9 MSG)

God wants us to thank Him in every circumstance.  What a paradigm shift for most of us!  When we feel the worst we are suppose to thank God?  It doesn’t seem logical, then again, many of God’s ideas don’t seem logical to my pea-sized brain – which is why I have faith and trust in God’s word.

My father recently wrote (for a new book he’s working on), “I have discovered that it’s impossible to hold worry, fear and stressful thoughts while at the same time trying to express gratefulness.  Worry is like darkness and gratefulness is the switch that turns on God’s light of peace within us.”

What are the “pearls” that accompany trials?  I believe the first pearls we can experience when meditating and focusing on what Philippians 4:6-9 are the pearls of peace: “Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

Paul tells us how wonderful it is when we “sense God’s wholeness”.  You must admit, during the darker times of your life, when you followed Paul’s wisdom and experienced what he is writing about, it felt good.  Once we get our attitude aligned with Philippians 4:6-9, not only will we experience God’s wholeness, but a literal good will come of the trial.

What I mean by this, is that when bad things have happened to me in my life, usually God will allow me to help someone in the very same predicament (or at least extremely close).  I gain wisdom, strength, and endurance when I go through a trial with grace (like Philippians).  What better pearls are there than wisdom, strength, and endurance?

Possible Questions:

1. Why do bad things happen to good people?
2. How can we meditate on scripture?
3.  What are the eight things we are to meditate on? (hint, the words are in bold up above in the verses)

So this morning I decided that I would not wait for impending disaster any longer, but instead, would actually try to get ahead of the game and go to God’s word ahead of schedule and seek God’s counsel through prayer before I’m in total crisis.

I was reading 1 Peter, which is an excellent book to go with if you want to feel really successful, because you can read the entire thing at one sitting A particular verse popped out at me this morning (I was reading from The Message) and I want to share it with you:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. (1 Peter 4:8)

I have a client who’s husband could be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder. He’s been nothing short of horrible through abuse, affairs, and inappropriate threats to her life. I will protect her privacy, but her upbringing was even worse than her marriage! She is not from this country and has survived things that you and I could never understand.

But she has taught me something through our time together. She is living 1 Peter 4:8. Even though her husband has treated her horribly, she has not responded in kind, rather, she has done the right thing. She is a believer and does not think she should be cruel back to him, and just the other day he actually said to her, “Why haven’t you done anything bad back to me?”

There’s some powerful research coming out on how to help someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and guess what? The most promising therapy is couples therapy! That’s right, a Narcissist needs someone who is capable of loving them and empathizing with them despite all the horrible things they do.

I always tell clients (and remind myself a lot), no matter what, do the right thing and things will go well for you.

Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless – that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here’s what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. God looks on all this with approval, listening and responding well to what he’s asked; But he turns his back on those who do evil things. If with heart and soul you’re doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you’re still better off. Don’t give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. (1 Peter 3: 8-15)

Here’s the deal, you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent, you just have to learn how to repair the damage you create. Too many parents worry about not messing up, and this is a big part of their problem. They’re worried about something they don’t have control over. There is no way to avoid messing up, it’s a little thing called sin.

Instead, worry about quickly recognizing when you’ve made a mistake, then going to your children and repair the damage through soft words, touch, and changed behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the gift of humility. The ability to show our children that daddy was wrong and to say, “Will you forgive me?”

It will be massive.

I recently read a post by Mona Gable titled, Bush is Wrong on How to Stop Aids, she wrote:

Which brings me to George W. Bush’s latest lunacy on how to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS. Which is to avoid sex completely. He’s aiming this dangerous nonsense at those who most need good solid health information: teenagers and young people. (I wonder what the Bush twins think of Daddy’s plan?) We all know now how terrific those federally funded abstinence programs in public schools have worked. Teens are still having lots of sex–surprise, surprise–and yet because some want to pretend they’re not, they’re not using birth control. Or condoms. The lesson is obvious. Do we really need to go through another generation of denial and ignorance again on this? I would no more tell the 16-year-old that the only way he can avoid AIDS is not to have sex then I would tell him than it’s OK to drive drunk. They’re both lethal. So is Bush’s idea.

I have to seriously question whether Mona has ever traveled to Africa and spent time in local villages where the Aids epidemic is actually taking place. Maybe she has, and she can correct me and I will accept it graciously. I’ve been wrong before, you can ask my wife about that.

But to say that abstinence won’t help solve the Aids problem in Africa bothers me. That is like saying that breathing won’t solve your oxygen problem for your lungs. Of course not having sex will solve the Aids problem, having sex transmits Aids, so not having sex will certainly help solve the Aids problem.

And yes, I understand that young people want to have sex, and no where in Bush’s plan does he say that he will stop handing out condoms. I also want to point out to Mona that World Vision (a nonprofit Christian organization) is handing out condoms to Africans right now as a part of their mission to solve the Aids problem (amidst a lot of criticism from far right conservatives).

This is where I get frustrated. Mona dismisses abstinence just as ridiculously as conservatives dismiss condoms. At least that’s what the post appears to read like.

There’s another problem I want to address about the African AIDS epidemic. There are serious and profound local beliefs about AIDS that are not going to go away very easily. Did you know that, at least in South Africa…

• women do not believe they can tell a man no when asked for sex, even if it is not their husband?
• men believe that if they have sex with a virgin, their HIV virus will go away? (girls as young as infants are now being raped)
• many of the rural Africans believe that Americans are poisoning the condoms with the AIDS virus (so how does that fit with Mona’s theory of condoms for Africans?)

If we are going to stop the AIDS epidemic in Africa, it’s going to take every single one of us making an effort to care. We have to make a difference with our voice, our hearts, and our wallets. I encourage people to go to Africa. See for yourself what’s going on over there and then you’ll know why you want to make a difference.

I’ve been all over the world and come home with sicknesses like Meningitis, but still I love going back because people matter. I don’t want to see Africa disappear because America didn’t help. Get involved. You know how. There’s so many ways.

My small group youth leader past “don’t date naked” to me and I have enjoyed it thus far. I have two questions. One, how do I interpret the personality test. The second is more personal and regretful.

I have been claiming to be a Christian all my life but never walked strait down that path. I have preformed pre-marital sex. I was not at the time but am very regretful now about this. Obviously I can not do anything about this now but how do you think my relationship with my future Christian wife will handle this news? I have been praying and asking God to direct me towards a Godly woman, I’m just afraid of her reaction. I want to thank the both of you for what you are doing and wish you the best. God Bless.

The answer:

The answer to your first question can be found online shortly, as soon as I upload the results, which should be in a couple of days, so I’ll keep you posted on that front

The answer to your second question is not as complicated as you might fear. I can feel your pain. I have regrets in my life, skeletons in my closet, things I have done in my life that I wish I had done differently, it’s called sin and I wish it wasn’t a part of my life, but it is and it will be until I die.

Did you know that almost 88% of evangelical Christian people surveyed at my seminars admitted to having sex before marriage? You are not alone. I was a virgin when I got married, but I was a minority. The chances of you marrying a woman who hasn’t had sex is going to be much slimmer than you marrying a woman who’s already had sex.

I know that some readers are starting to get upset with me right about now, but I want you to hang in there with me. I’m not condoning premarital sex. I’m not. It’s not a wise decision. But we can’t be naive and just close our eyes and cover our ears and pretend that young adults are not having sex, that simply isn’t true. They are, the vast majority are having sex and we’d better figure out what to do about it. Whatever we are teaching in Sunday school, and the school system, is not working, not even close.

You said something in your question that is really bothering me, though, “I’ve been claiming to be a Christian all my life…” You can not live your life through the acts of your sin but rather through the grace God has give you by the act of Christ dying on the cross for your sin.

My friend, you are forgiven, end of story, you are not a fake, a phony, or anything less because you’ve messed up, and in fact, you’re going to mess up again and again as a husband, father, employee, and boss. What God wants from you is a heart that is recognizes it is broken and a heart that gives access to Christ for healing and restoration.

Rest easy and know that when the day comes and you meet that special someone, like my wife did (at least I hope she still feels that way ). If this woman truly knows Christ, she won’t be concerned about the condition of your past, she’ll be concerned about the condition of your heart.

And I might have a few thoughts on it, if you’re interested that is

There are several reasons why a man might feel the need to lie to a woman:

1. He’s feeling like a failure
2. He’s feeling guilty (which also might make him feel like a failure)
3. He’s feeling attacked and that he’s going to “lose” an argument
4. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he’s wanting to protect your feelings (which is really pretty stupid, because in the end, he really just hurt your feelings anyway, but at least he tried)

There might be other legitimate reasons why men lie (I’ve read other posts and articles that say men lie because they want sex, and this is true, but if you’re with one of those types of men, then you’re with a total loser and should you leave him immediately! Real men don’t lie to get sex from women.)

Real men lie, don’t get me wrong. Real people lie, cheat, steal, hurt, yell, avoid, and basically sin, but real men do not take advantage of women on purpose, they do that on accident.

Never
1
2
3
4
5
We’re practically monks

Here’s the results of my poll:

• 69% responded that they never pray together outside of meals.
• 25% said they prayed together about once a week together.
• 6% said they prayed together three times a week together.

I’d suggest that we have a slight praying problem people. If couples who pray together have less than a 1% divorce rate (Barna research group stat), then we need to learn how to better pray together.

So instead of complaining that couples are not praying together very well, I’ll try and offer up some solutions for you

Here’s some good resources and suggestions for you to help kick start a good prayer life together:

• The Power of a Praying® Husband
• The Power of a Praying® Wife

I’ve actually met and interviewed Stormie several times and have to say that her two books are excellent.  Amy and I have used them in our own small group and they are powerful but simple books to help get you started on a prayer journey in your marriage.

In a study of how online porn can effect children, an Australian research group found that children exposed to pornography were significantly more aggressive:

Of the 101 sexually-abusive children seen over the past three years, almost all had access to the Internet, and 90 percent admitted having seen sexually-explicit material online, the report said.

One of the first things you might notice with your child is that he is more aggressive sexually towards girls. He would probably be acting this out at school and be getting into trouble. Normal sexual behavior for younger boys and girls (pre puberty) would be things like “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” But trying to put their parts into each other or stroking or really acting on “adult” sexual behavior is definitely beyond the norm.
I can not stress enough how important it is to secure your home against the danger of online porn. Exposure to this industry to your young children leads to so many problems you don’t want to deal with the consequences.

I was meeting with a friend recently, and I recommend, for young children, Apple computers because you can set up a very simple internet safety setting through Safari that only lets your kids surf sites that you have pre-approved. I know this might sound frustrating, but it’s worth it and I haven’t found it that annoying, seriously, my kids rarely come to me to add new sites after an initial set-up time of about an hour of adding safe sites.

Here are some other signs your child mild be hooked on online pornography:

• your child is becoming increasingly more shut-down and secretive
• your child spends too much time online and tends to close windows quickly when you come into the room
• your child stays up late into the night after you’ve gone to bed online
• your child makes an effort to get online at other people’s homes unsupervised
• there’s a computer in the home that is out-of-the-way (i.e. in the basement, attic, their room, etc) and your child uses that computer at odd hours to surf the web

Research is clear that when a couple cohabitates before they get married their chances of staying together virtually disappear. Take the most recent study out of the University of Chicago and what they discovered with French families:

Well, yes, it is true that French family structures have not “disintegrated.” But a 2003 University of Chicago study found that children born to cohabiting couples were 285 percent more likely to see their parents separate than children born to married parents. Not surprisingly, the same study finds that the deinstutionalization of marriage has also been accompanied by a marked rise in single parenthood.

If you’re single, listen to me very carefully, do not, if you love the person you’re with, move in together, no matter what! It will practically guarantee the demise of your relationship. It doesn’t work. Don’t get caught up in the rhetoric with your parents or pastor, read the research of real scientists and people like me who do this stuff for a living (also take a look at Susan Tabbert’s post, it’s a brilliant look at the matter).

]]> http://smalley.cc/the-cohabitation-debate-should-finally-be-over/feed 8 http://smalley.cc/what-can-you-do-when-youre-no-longer-attracted-to-your-spouse http://smalley.cc/what-can-you-do-when-youre-no-longer-attracted-to-your-spouse#comments Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:14:25 +0000 Michael Smalley http://www.crashintolove.com/archives/2006/11/20/michael-smalley/what-can-you-do-when-youre-no-longer-attracted-to-your-spouse/ It’s a common problem with couples I see in my office:

• “I’m not attracted to him any more.”
• “I don’t love her any more.”
• “She doesn’t turn me on like she used to.”

What can you do when you’re not attracted to your spouse any more, and more importantly, what happened in your marriage to lead you down this path?

It’s actually not as complicated as you might think. The answer is just probably not what you want to hear. Usually the confused spouse wants me to say, “Well, that is horrible, you need to leave this marriage and quickly find someone that will meet your physical and emotional needs as soon as possible!”

I’m never going to say that because it simply isn’t going to solve the problem. If you can’t find happiness with your current spouse, then you won’t find happiness with your next spouse…and that’s a promise.

What you need to do is fix your thinking about love and attraction. Because my guess is that you’ve based your feelings about your spouse on emotion and not on decision, and here lies your problem.

Love is not an emotion it is a decision. If you want passion, romance, and intimacy, then those things always follow a choice and never follow a feeling. In fact, if you follow your feelings, it’s probably why you’re as miserable as you are in your marriage!

Feelings come and feelings go but decisions last a lifetime.

]]> http://smalley.cc/what-can-you-do-when-youre-no-longer-attracted-to-your-spouse/feed 0 http://smalley.cc/the-secret-to-plugging-in-to-the-source-of-life http://smalley.cc/the-secret-to-plugging-in-to-the-source-of-life#comments Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:40:48 +0000 Michael Smalley http://www.crashintolove.com/archives/2006/11/19/michael-smalley/the-secret-to-plugging-in-to-the-source-of-life/ You’ve reached the end of the line. You can’t handle any more. Your too tired, too hurt, too frustrated, too angry, too…everything. I’ve counseled hundred, no, thousands of people through over a decade of work now and I’ve just discovered the secret to plugging in to the source of life.

I hate sounding cliche. The kind of cliche when I’m sitting with someone who’s just discovered that their spouse has cheated on them, or their child has died, or they are going to die of cancer because a tumor is inoperable and I want to say something like, “you need to pray about that…” or even worse “trust God with that…”

These things are true, but sometimes they don’t feel like the right thing to say or it’s that I feel that people hear them so many times in their lives that they know what it sounds like but they don’t know how to actually do them.

Today, I learned something extremely valuable from my Sunday school class. A collection of extremely bright and talented couples who are dedicated to growing closer to God and closer to each other.

There was a moment during the discussion time when I had the chance to throw out this question, “How do you help someone actually plug into the source of life? I mean, it’s easy to say, ‘plug in to God’, but how do you actually help someone do that?” As usual, my class came up with a brilliant answer, or rather, discussion.

Here’s the secret.  It’s not really a one time act.  It’s a strategy.  Only God can provide for our need for security and he accomplishes this task through His people, His word (the Bible), His spirit (the Holy Spirit), and His timing.

I realized today that I can help people plug in to the source of life (God) by getting them to understand and recognize the power in prayer (our relationship with God), communion (a complete and total mystery), small groups (the essence of community and support for each other), bible reading, listening to God’s guidance through the Holy Spirit, certain books, and the list could go on.  God will touch your life through many avenues, all you need is the patience to let God work things out through God’s timing.  I truly believe that’s the key to all of this.

We get so hurried to get the pain over with that we make things worse.  Slow it down and take a big breath.  Healing is not a drive-through but rather a five-star restaurant that serves a seven course meal.

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