And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post You can’t do it alone appeared first on .

1. Relationships
2. Responsibilities
3. Leverage
4. Leadership
5. Legacy

Hear what Gary has to say about 1 Timothy 6:3 – the foundation of his life! What was Gary’s unique dream and prayer about work and money? It’s the most powerful concept ever!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post The Rich You Formula appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Speaking life into your mate appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post After the honeymoon appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Building bridges appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Rebuilding trust appeared first on .

Susie assures us women are always poised and perfect.

But, just in case, we’ll help moms, wives and women deal with root causes of their anger and how they can deal with it in a healthy way.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Women and anger (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Men and anger (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Keeping laughter in your marriage (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

This episode features the 4 parenting styles from Dr. Gary Smalley’s book, The Key to Your Child’s Heart.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Choosing a parenting style that works (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post Walking away from it all (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

Book excerpt:
Jim Anderson is a successful businessman, and his wife, Marilyn, is the perfect wife. And why wouldn’t she be? He gives her everything she needs. That’s why Jim never expected to come home one day and find Marilyn gone.

After 27 years of marriage, Marilyn has had enough of feeling unloved and neglected. She wants to experience some measure of happiness before she’s too old to enjoy it, even signing up for dance lessons, something Jim would never do. What will it take for Jim to finally become the man Marilyn needs him to be?

Combining the literary talents of bestselling author Dan Walsh and the relationship expertise of bestselling author Gary Smalley, The Dance is the first novel in The Restoration Series. Readers will get caught up in these flawed but sincere members of the Anderson family as they rediscover genuine love and start a transformation that ultimately affects all of them.

_______________

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post The Dance – what fiction can teach your relationship with authors Dan Walsh and Gary Smalley (Episode 65) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

The post How to find harmony in a blended family (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

The post When you’ve hit rock bottom (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

Do you ever feel like you’re living in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? You know, one spouse just can’t seem to break away from their parents. Of course, it’s funny on TV, but in real life, it may be causing some not-so-funny effects. Greg’s wife, Erin, joins the show as we talk about how to leave and cleave.

The post I married you…not your mother! (Everyday Relationships Radio with Dr. Greg Smalley) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

Show Notes

Become successful at being married and having a child with developmental or physical disabilities.

1. Put your marriage first
2. Allow yourself the ability to have a good marriage by loving your kids, but don’t make their special needs the focus of your family
3. Get your kids involved in programs, school, camp, community, church
4. Be okay with giving their child autonomy
5. Even with their special needs, God has a plan for them! The inspirational story of Steven Mars.

To get more information about Camp Barnabas, please visit campbarnabas.org
and for more about their education/vocation school check out barnabasprep.com

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post 5 keys for parents with kids who have disabilities to remain satisfied (Episode 64) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post A Smalley Classic – Being different and taking audience questions (Episode 64) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS HELP PLEASE CALL US AT 800-975-8748 TO HEAR HOW THE SMALLEY INTENSIVE PROGRAM CAN HELP YOU TODAY!

FEATURED RESOURCE

The post How to have the best Valentine’s Day ever! Intensive Advice for Couples (Episode 11 appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

Show Notes

Five Biggest Mistakes People Make in Relationships

Last show were…
1. Poor Communication (not listening by reloading)

Solution: Listen, understand, validate and empathize
Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. (Is. 28:23)

2. Poor self-care…you end up empty and exhausted

Solution: Emotional, spiritual, physical and mental self-care
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:16)

3. Developing Negative Beliefs

Solution: give each other the benefit of the doubt
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT) “To see the best in others…” This does not mean that love is gullible, but that it does not think the worst (as is the way of the world). It retains its faith. Love is not deceived . . . but it is always ready to give the benefit of the doubt.

4. Trying to change each other

Solution: Stop resenting the things that first attracted you to your partner (value the differences)

For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: “‘As I live,’ says the Lord, ‘Every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’” So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. {Rom 14:9-12 NIV}

Today’s show…

5. Avoiding conflict or poorly managing conflict (escalation, withdrawing)

Solution: realize the value of conflict, time-out
“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (Prov 18:19).

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post The 5th mistake people make in relationships – handling conflict poorly (Episode 63) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

NOTES

Five Biggest Mistakes People Make in Relationships

Last show was…
1. Poor Communication (not listening by reloading)

Solution: Listen, understand, validate and empathize
Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. (Is. 28:23)

2. Poor self-care…you end up empty and exhausted

Solution: Emotional, spiritual, physical and mental self-care
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:16)

3. Developing Negative Beliefs

Solution: give each other the benefit of the doubt
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT) “To see the best in others…” This does not mean that love is gullible, but that it does not think the worst (as is the way of the world). It retains its faith. Love is not deceived . . . but it is always ready to give the benefit of the doubt.

Today is…
4. Trying to change each other

Solution: Stop resenting the things that first attracted you to your partner (value the differences)

For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: “‘As I live,’ says the Lord, ‘Every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’” So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. {Rom 14:9-12 NIV}

NEXT WEEK IS…Avoiding conflict or poorly managing conflict (escalation, withdrawing)

The post The 4th mistake people make in relationships (Episode 62) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

NOTES

Today is…
3. Developing Negative Beliefs

Solution: give each other the benefit of the doubt
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT) “To see the best in others…” This does not mean that love is gullible, but that it does not think the worst (as is the way of the world). It retains its faith. Love is not deceived . . . but it is always ready to give the benefit of the doubt.

4. Trying to change each other

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post The 3rd mistake people make in relationships (Episode 61) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

NOTES

Five Biggest Mistakes People Make in Relationships

Last show was on #1 – Poor Communication (not listening by reloading) and the solution… Listen, understand, validate and empathize

Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. (Is. 28:23)

Today is…

2. Poor self-care…you end up empty and exhausted

Solution: Emotional, spiritual, physical and mental self-care

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:16)

The next show is…

3. Developing Negative Beliefs…this is the silent killer!

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post The 2nd of the 5 biggest mistakes people make in relationships (Episode 60) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

NOTES

Five Biggest Mistakes People Make in Relationships

1. Poor Communication (not listening by reloading)

Solution: Listen, understand, validate and empathize
Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. (Is. 28:23)

2. Poor self-care…you end up empty and exhausted

Solution…you’ll have to tune in next episode for the solution!

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post The 5 biggest mistakes people make in relationships (Episode 59) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

NOTES

Learn

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post A better you for 2013 and how I beat addiction (Episode 58) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The Marriage Pack $89 – 2 DVD’s and 4 Books!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

Matt Brouwer – Where’s Our Revolution – Click here to view on iTunes

KEY STRENGTHS

A Lion married to a Otter can be a truly fun dynamic for a marriage.
Lots of energy
Go for broke kind of marriage and attitude toward life
You can conquer the world

You’ve got lots of energy both on the fun-side of life (from the Otter) and on the accomplishment-side of life (from the Lion). The two of you can utilize each other’s go-for-broke attitude to accomplish things both in your marriage, with your kids, and in your community.

The two of you together can truly conquer the world. You can be fearless and comfortable with taking risks because you are both on the risk-side of the personality scale.

KEY CONFLICTS
Neither are very good at listening
Otters don’t want to be controlled
Feel out of control for the Lion
Otter won’t respond to harshness

The areas where you will want to watch out for is in how you communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you are the best listeners. If you remember your individual personality profiles, you can both be one-way listeners. The Lion…because you are focused on solutions or building your own argument. The Otter…because you are simply distracted or bored with the conversation.

You two need to be more deliberate about listening to each other and not getting caught up in trying to change who your spouse is. The Lion is going to want to say, “Be more reliable” and the Otter is going to say, “But you married me…for me!” Your two personality styles are different enough, you are going to struggle trying to change each other to be more like yourself. This is not going to send a message of unity or understanding.

To the Lion, remember that your Otter spouse is not going to respond to harshness or criticism like you do. Be positive and high energy when dealing with your Otter. To the Otter, try and take it easy with all the unfocused energy. Your Lion spouse likes change, but change that is purposeful and strategic.

THINGS TO FOCUS ON
Know your buttons
Learn to validate
Set good boundaries with each other

Do not skim over lesson 3 on Buttons. The two of you can really push each other’s buttons and get cranking on the Button Dance. You also want to get good at validating each other and setting up healthy boundaries that can respect your differences.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON LIFE SUPPORT, GIVE US A CALL AT 800-975-8748.

The post The Otter and Lion relationship dynamic revealed (Episode 57) appeared first on .

You can bring a great balance of the hard side of love (like confrontation) by the Lion and the soft-side of love (like hugs and kind words) from the Golden Retriever. You both can teach the other, and quite naturally, how to be a better balanced person. You compliment each other in that way. The Lion can learn how to be more soft and the Golden Retriever more confrontational.

KEY CONFLICT AREAS
Where the two of you are going to get in to trouble is by the Lion bull-dozing over the Golden Retriever’s feelings or needs. Because the Lion is so strong, the Golden Retriever might allow him or herself to be controlled or dominated.

The Lion can feel unsafe because the Golden Retriever will struggle being honest about hurt feelings. This can lead to a real disconnect between the two of you. The Lion is going to be often received as “too harsh” where the Golden Retriever will be perceived as “too wimpy”.

Because the two of you are on opposite sides of the personality ship, it will be a challenge to allow your spouse to be authentic to their personality. You will want to change each other, probably more from the Lion wanting the Golden Retriever to toughen up, but the Golden Retriever will often shut down and think about the same thing.

The Golden Retriever, when married to a Lion, does need to add toughness and an ability to confront and be honest with negative emotions. The Lion better learn how to approach the Golden Retriever without bullying or dominating through intimidation.

WHAT TO FOCUS ON
Simple Conflict Resolution will be great for the two of you in lesson 7. This will give rules for the two of you to follow that end up honoring each other’s differences. The Lion will learn how to approach more softly, so the Golden Retriever can feel safe. The Golden Retriever is going to learn how to actually confront the Lion, and stand up for the relationship instead of shutting down.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post The Lion and Golden Retriever relationship revealed (Episode 56) appeared first on .

SPECIAL OFFER
The new comedy album! The Comedy of Us…$5 download

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too). If your marriage needs help, please call us at 800-975-8748 to hear how the Smalley Intensive program can help you today.

FEATURED RESOURCE

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

TRANSCRIPT

Announcer: Coming to you from the heart of Texas where he met his one and only true love. Proving that this guy really does know how to love well because there’s no way he won her over with his looks. Therefore, he must be the relationship genius of our generation. Get ready for the best advice you will ever hear on how to keep your relationships thriving. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Smalley Podcast with your host Michael Smalley.

Recorded Voice: So honey, what are you going to rant about today? Can we get a little preview?

Michael Smalley: Oh, I’ll give you a preview. This is your host Michael Smalley. And have you ever done something that you didn’t realize obviously at the time how incredibly stupid you are but then quickly, quickly after doing it, it becomes grossly obvious what a knucklehead you’ve become? That’d be that line. I get that a lot. It’s kind of depressing. In this past summer, my wife Amy and I took the couple’s trip of a lifetime with two of our closest friends, Hank and Kirsten and you got to make sure you pronounce Kirsten, Kirsten. Don’t do Kersten. It’s Kirsten from Staten Island joined us on a trip of a lifetime to Ireland which is where I’ve always wanted to go since the third grade when I spent an entire year trying to convince people I was Irish. And I could do the accent but I’m not in the mood right now. And then we went to Italy which Hank is Italian, born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, total Italian. Kirsten is Irish, Irish-German. We want to go there.

And so we went to Ireland and Italy and just had the time our life and I drove because I’ve driven internationally lots. You know, I’ve been traveling overseas for a long time so it doesn’t really stress me out and it’s kind of nice to have the independence to be able to, you know, poke around and do whatever you want on your own schedule. And so we’re in Italy having — just having a blast. We’ve landed in Rome, rented the car. Stayed, did the Rome thing and then drove North and it was such a gorgeous drive and we end up in Florence and we go through the wine, you know, area. It’s just amazing. And then we head to Venice and I had no idea how wonderful Venice was going to be. Probably – I mean I haven’t been to every place in Italy but I would say that Venice was my favorite. I love Venice but Venice didn’t start of very well. No, [Laughter] no, it didn’t because Venice is where we were going to turn in the car because it was going to be such a long drive. It was actually cheaper just to turn the car in early and fly back to Rome.

And so we are literally – just think I have driven through Ireland in the narrow roads where you almost get killed by the oncoming tours buses or the guys on bicycles on the roads that aren’t even wide enough for one car. I survived all of that. I have survived all the speed and the craziness of the Italian drivers. And then I am 1.2 kilometers away from being done driving. I mean it’s over. I have arrived. I am 1.2 kilometers away from the Avis Rent-A-Car return center in Venice, right outside of Venice actually, not on the island of Venice. 1.2 and I looked at it and I go, “Hey, we probably should  had top off the fuel before we turn it in.” Now, in Ireland the car I had had these stickers everywhere in yellow going “Warning, warning, warning. This car only uses diesel. Warning, warning, warning.”

So, I look around, check. “Okay, there’s no stickers anywhere, all right.” I go outside. I open up the gas can, you know, looking around. No stickers. I guess it must be regular fuel. [Sigh] And I fill the stupid car up with unleaded when it’s a diesel and I don’t notice it. Top it off, put the cap back on. Start it up. Notice right away, “Oh, that’s weird. Why is this car…is that me? What’s going on?” Pull out, of course, I make it long enough to pull out and get a hundred yards down this like bridge exit ramp thing that was very dangerous and it dies.

[0:05:00]

And instantly I know, it must have been diesel. And so of course, my wife and everyone is being really gracious and I’m like, “You know, that’s the only thing I can think of,” and Hank even helped me. Hank was outside of the car. Be – oh and that’s by the way makes it worse because we had such a hard time getting the nozzle in because it was the wrong size because it was the wrong fuel. And I’m like there is nowhere on this car that says diesel and we’re looking and then Amy steps out and like a classic beaver, she steps out, opens the gas tank compartment and right there on the knob, as plain as it can be “Diesel only.” Because I’m an otter, I didn’t exactly pick up on that little detail and Hank is not a Beaver either, by the way. So, you have two idiots out there who aren’t good at noticing the small things and we filled the entire stinky thing and I won’t even – I mean I’m telling you, this is such a nightmare if you break down like this in a foreign country because I call the 800 number going, “Hey, we broke it down,” and I click, you know, going for English speaking and sure her English isn’t that great and we’re trying to communicate and she’s like, “Sir, where are you?”

And I’m staring at the freeways sign that says we’re at the A55 and the N7 or something like that. I’m – I’m right there. I just exited on to the N7. She said, “Yes, but sir, where are you?” And I’m like, “I don’t know how else to explain the sign. The freeway sign is right above my head.” “Yeah, but sir, we don’t use freeway signs.” “What do you mean you don’t use freeway signs?” “Yeah, we don’t. We need an address.” I go, “But there’s freeway signs here. I think you use freeway.” You know, this turned out to be a 5-hour disaster where I sent Hank, Amy and Kirsten on the Venice and it took me 5 hours to get this car towed, to get picked up. Oh, disaster. Now, why do I share that? Because in today’s show, we’re going in depth and I’m going to do five shows here coming up, five shows dedicated again to the personality styles but this time, I’m giving you the matches. So, we’re going to go in depth today on a very – one of the most common marriages is when an otter marries a beaver. Or you could say when a beaver marries an otter. That is an incredibly common marriage and so we’re going to talk about what that combination looks like in a relationship.

We’re going to find out what the strengths are, okay, what the key conflict areas are and kind of some of the big things that if you’re an otter married to a beaver and then that combination,  what are the things that you need to focus on skill-wise to make sure you have the best relationship possible. Now, before I go too much further, we do have a special offer today. So, if you just go to smalleycenter.com and you click on The Comedy of Us, that is my new comedy show where I unpack my love story which is a pretty awesome love story if I do say so myself but you can – The Comedy of Us is about learning the – the links I was willing to go through to get my wife to notice me at Baylor University. And you might be a little bit surprise on what I was willing to do and you might pick up on it just from the cover of this – of this new album and it’s only 5 bucks.

So, it’s a $5 download. Hah, [Singing] $5 download. It’s 5 bucks. It’s called The Comedy of Us and you can get that at smalleycenter.com. And by the way, thank you for the reviews because it’s been pretty encouraging and for every review, if you sign up through the website at smalleycenter.com, if you click on the little thing, leave an iTunes review, you actually fill up a form first but then I’ll send you a special gift. So, keep those reviews coming. We really do appreciate it and it does make a difference. It truly does. So, today we’re talking about the otter and the – and the beaver, the otter and the beaver relationship which is incredibly kind because those of you in my genre, you know, in your 40’s, in your 50’s, you will remember that the old adage when we were dating was “Opposites attract” and let me tell you, the otter and beaver could not be more opposite.

[0:10:12]

And when they start dating and then when they [Laughter] get married, there is a lot of stuff that they have to figure out in terms of working out their differences and that is my wife and I. My wife is actually a lion beaver or a beaver lion and that makes her very strong and I’m obnoxiously playful and goofy and silly and boy, we – I know God wanted us together because she and I get to learn how to resolve conflict a lot but there are strengths. So, even though the otter and the beaver are so different, their strengths, okay, their strengths are also powerful because think about this, you compliment each other. Because of your differences, my wife makes me a better otter. I make my wife a better beaver because the things that we are both naturally weak at, the others strong in and so we rub off on each other. It’s like as iron — sharpens iron. So our – my weakness is Amy’s strengths. My strengths are Amy’s weaknesses. And I’ll tell you, we’ve influenced each other over almost 18 years of marriage. Or I know that I’m a better person today than I was when I first married my wife because I’ve learned how to be more detailed. I’ve learned how to be – when I need to be serious because I can’t be goofy all the time. That just doesn’t work.

And so I’ve learned how to become really, how to become more balance. Because my wife and I are so different, it’s allowed us to have growth. It’s allowed us to increase the maturity. It’s allowed us to be more healthy. I can think of the line from Jerry Maguire “You complete me”. This is a great line for the otter-beaver marriage and what’s funny is that it’s these differences that will create a passionate relationship but the problem though especially if you’re stress out with each other is that sometimes what happens is you start viewing your differences as a strength and you got hang up on looking at them as a problem. And if we were just more similar, well don’t say that because if you think that, you all little beavers, you think that, “Oh, guy. It’d be so much better if I just married another…” well, no because the problem, yeah, you’re both going to have some similar habits and things but you’re both going to pretty intense and pretty detailed but you’re not going to be detailed about the same things. And you could really lock horns over that.

You know, some of the key conflict areas is obviously your differences because otters can truly stress out their little beaver spouses because of our noises, because of our energy, our optimism, we’re loud. That can tend to if we’re out of balance and we’re too much of that stuff, start to wiped out our little beaver spouse. And then our – our little beavers attention to detail, if it gets out of balance again or then the otter is going to be overwhelmed by that, it’s going to become frustrating, annoying. We’re going to feel controlled because we, you know, want to fly by the seat of our pants, well no. A beaver doesn’t want to fly by the – they want to know. They want to plan. And we’re like, “You’re holding me back. You’re a downer, man.” It doesn’t work and it can really cause problems, okay, when – when we’re out of balance especially because we’re already different and then if we, ourselves, individually have pushed our differences out of balance, we’re going to get in trouble, right? We’re going to get stress out. You’re definitely going to hear each other –

Recorded Voice “I can’t take it anymore.”

Michael Smalley: You’re going to hear that a lot. You’re just going to be – because – because the differences are so vast that if we’re out of balance, we’re going to get wiped out and we’re going to think we need to quit.

[0:15:02]

Even the otter’s optimism, let’s just think about that, that’s a good thing but it can — it can get wiped out by the beaver’s criticism. So where the beaver wants to think about the negative and the otter wants to think about the positive, the otter can get discouraged quickly. And you got to be careful, folks, beavers, if you’re married to that otter – I get that criticism motivate to you but it doesn’t motivate an otter and so you got to be careful about that. And then this is why because of your key conflicts and your differences, you — you really need to focus on how to resolve conflict because if you don’t have a really healthy way like love talk which we teach in our Intensive Program, we’ve written about in lots of books and of lots of videos on it. You can get that at smalleycenter.com, The DNA of Relationships, The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage, those are great resources on how to communicate because you got to know how to communicate. When you have a lot of differences, you’re going to have a lot of conflict which is okay. That’s not a bad thing. Only when you don’t know how to handle conflict does it become a problem.

And so that’s why kind of your key lesson in life is to learn how to handle conflict. And so when you learn how to take timeouts, when you learn how to love talk, that is going to strengthen you and that’s going to allow your differences, again, kind of like I shared just a little bit ago that I’m better  today because I married a beaver. I’m better. Amy is better today because she married an otter but only because we learned how to handle conflict better. So we don’t get – well, we get in trouble or we get in to conflict but we’ve learned how to resolve it. And I’ll tell you right now, maybe the key skill that you could really use with probably everybody honestly needs to use, that you’re just going to use it more is that skill of taking a timeout. I’ve done shows on timeouts. You just need to search our site and you know, type in timeout. So, there’s articles on it, radio shows on it but you, either one of you stopping the moment and protecting yourself from getting out of control is going to gigantic. It’s going to be so important and you got to be able to do it because if you don’t, yeah, your differences will wipe you out.

But I want to be clear, they don’t have to. You don’t have to get wiped out. You can be happy. So, that is the otter-beaver match. The next show we’re going to do on the lion and golden retriever. Ooh, the lion and golden retriever, another crazy opposite match, right? But also, again, one of the most common matches is the lion and golden retriever because in essence the lion finally found somebody that they can control that actually wants to be told what to do and they love them. We’re going to talk about that in the next episode. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this and I’m excited about doing more of these matching, personality matching episodes because this is going to help you. Well, this one is brought to you by the Smalley Center. If your relationship is on life support, I’m telling you, give us a call. Call us at 800, it’s toll-free 800-975-8748. Once again, that’s 1-800-975-8748 or obviously, you can visit us online at smalleycenter.com.  I’ve come to that place in the show where there’s really only one thing left to say –

Recorded Voice: “I know [Laughter] it’s time to say goodbye.”

Michael Smalley: And I will leave you [Music] to 1440 “I Will Believe.”

The post The Otter and Beaver relationship explained (Episode 55) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

TRANSCRIPT

[0:00:00]

Corey Allan: [Music] Do you guys have times when you get a chance to go and spend the time with extended family? You know, we’re just coming off for four days with family and it was the death in the family. So, there are all kinds of family there and when were driving home, it’s a tremendous time to process how crazy family is and how, you know, annoying sometimes family is or just the way we live life and be –

Michael Smalley: I know a lot about that.

Corey Allan: [Laughter] And the way we choose to do things like the way we parent or the way we communicate in marriage or the way we just live our life, I find myself really fighting the urge to be judgmental and condemning [Laughter] a lot of things when I realize that’s not my place to do that, that’s family. I should love them. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: We have to love them?

Teresa Thomas: Unconditionally, yes.

Corey Allan: I don’t know if we have to love them and — but — but it seems like there should be some, you know, semblance of love when we get together [Laughter] as a family and it’s not just at feeling real McCoy [0:01:17] [Phonetic].

Michael Smalley: Well, I think it actually begs the thought because when you say, “Well, I guess we have to love them,” that’s sort of what love is, isn’t it?

Corey Allan: [Laughter] It –

Michael Smalley: It’s family and choosing — choosing not to kill them.

Corey Allan: Yeah and –

Michael Smalley: That could be one definition of love –

Corey Allan:  Yeah and –

Michael Smalley: … because I’m making a choice not to kill you.

Corey Allan: Well, the reason I don’t choose to kill family members is because I think other family members are high up on the suspect list right off the bat. So [Laughter] –

Teresa Thomas: That’s right. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: … I’m not getting away with it.

Michael Smalley: It’s not going to happen.

Teresa Thomas: That’s right.

Corey Allan: No, I don’t think so. It’s just –

Michael Smalley: We’re nowhere near smart enough or sophisticated –

Corey Allan: No, no.

Michael Smalley: … enough to get away from that.

Corey Allan: Just — and just so everybody, our listeners, that maybe joining this conversation know. This is Simple Marriage Radio, the simple solution –

Michael Smalley: We help people learn how to get along.

Corey Allan: Well, hopefully, but it’s also the simple solution that helping make — making married life great. I’m Corey and Michael and Teresa are on the mic as well. And we’re going to continue to roll right along and see what unfolds. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: We’ll see just how more dysfunctional we can get.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: Wow, the — you know, last show we talked about personal responsibility and sort of one of the quickest ways, honestly, to turn around any relationship is by looking in the mirror, right?

Corey Allan: Yes.

Michael Smalley: Or you just — the more that you take ownership of your own junk and realize that, “Man, I get enough of my own my stuff that I have to take care of and resolve and get over and get huff, you’re about to really worry or point the finger at your junk, you know, things tend to start getting better. The better I love someone, the more I set them up to love me well back.

Teresa Thomas: Correct.

Michael Smalley: It’s — it’s like — it’s like a universal rule. I think so.

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: Corey doesn’t think so.

Corey Allan: I don’t think so? No. I –

Michael Smalley: I’m asking.

Corey Allan: I completely agree that the more I can present something of value and fully functioning, the easier it is for somebody to choose to love it.

Michael Smalley: Nice.

Teresa Thomas: And of course, it’s all easier said than done to own your junk –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: … when you’re in a midst of a conflict.

Corey Allan: Yes. And why is that, Teresa? What is it that happens in conflict that makes it so easy to spiral?

Teresa Thomas: What seems like we’re in the midst — when we’re in the middle of it we’re more easily led by our emotions versus any kind of logical thinking.

Corey Allan: Okay, that’s true.

Teresa Thomas: So, when we talk about owning, that’s why, you know, timeouts are so important so we can re-center ourselves and reveal to ourselves what it is that we — what part we played in the conflict that when we’re in the middle of it, it’s much easier said than done. We’re going to live by emotions most of the time and that’s what gets us in a dysfunctional dance.

Michael Smalley: Well, because emotions are irrational.

Teresa Thomas: Correct.

Michael Smalley: At their very core, they’re not to be trusted and we get in trouble in –

Teresa Thomas: And why is that, Michael?

Michael Smalley: Yeah, [Laughter] well, you know, what’s funny, today’s show we’re going to talk about kind of building off the foundation of personal responsibility. We’re now going to start talking about buttons and buttons are — hot buttons are really the reason couples get in to conflict and that’s huge, right? That’s huge to understand that the majority of marriages and people in relationships especially guy/girl relationships, they spend in an ordinate amount of time arguing about the facts, right? The surface level of details and what we’re going to reveal to you today in this episode is that, well, it’s not about the facts.

[0:05:06]

And if it’s out the facts, we’re shallow, right? I mean that’s just I really — am I really angry about the trash not getting taken out? That’s what I’m honestly going to lose my mind over? Well, no. It’s not about the trash and what we need to — what we need to understand is that it’s about the buttons. It’s about I’m feeling rejected. I’m feeling disconnected. I’m feeling devalued. I’m feeling –

Teresa Thomas: Disrespected.

Michael Smalley: Oh, disrespected. But that until we start talking about that, get off of the facts and on the feelings, then our conflict is going to continue to sort of the spiral and it’s just loops that keeps coming back around and around and around and around and that dance, that dysfunctional button dance is really why couples divorce because they don’t know how to resolve conflict, how to get out of that miserable feeling dance. And after about 5 to 7 years, they say, “I’m done. I quit.”

Teresa Thomas: Yeah, they check out. They’re tired of fighting. They’re tired of dancing the same way over and over again, more the same won’t bring change and they start to understand that. And you know, a lot of times, hopefully, that’s when the couples reach out and come do Intensives or you know, do online programs like the one that you guys have developed and –

Michael Smalley: Like thesimplemarriage.com

Teresa Thomas: Yes, exactly.

Michael Smalley: Well and Corey, you’ve been helping couples online.

Corey Allan: Sure, yeah and that’s what — what I think of is it’s so funny that when you think of all the different techniques that are out there to help couples that when everything is cool between you, it’s easy. You know, you remember these things. And this happens I think in our own lives. I know that, you know, I know the proper techniques for communication. I’ve been to all communication classes and all those different things but yet when it’s tense and buttons are flying around, being pushed everywhere, most of those things that I know get thrown right out the window and it’s roll up your sleeves and that’s really get after this because I’m going to win. [Laughter] Or –

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Fighting for your need to be right.

Corey Allan: Exactly, so but what I’m thinking of that could really help our listeners is do we have — let’s unpack this a little bit. Do either of you guys have a really good, man, here is how buttons unfolded in my world story or experience?

Michael Smalley: Well, unfortunately, I sometimes like I’m always going to be the one with the truly dysfunctional things but you know, my wife and I, we got in to the biggest mess and there are so many different areas, frankly, that I went wrong but and I hope that there’s people listening that can maybe relate to this because sometimes I feel a little bit of alone when I share this because apparently, most people in the population are not nearly as stupid as I am. And so I thought there were more of me out there, there’s really none.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Michael Smalley: But we got — you know, we gotten in to the biggest conflict because we would — I had customized our youngest’s 7th birthday invitation because he wanted to go for like the 9^th year in a row even though he’s 7. For the 9^th year in a row, he wanted to go to Pump It Up, right? You know, those little –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: … classic Jump Palace things.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: And I saw you could download the invite and I tell my wife who’s very in to party. She’s Southern, right? I’m Northern. That’s a big difference.

Corey Allan: Oh oh.

Michael Smalley: And so she got beyond excited that we could download it, customize it, put the permission slip on the invitation, blah blah blah. She was besides and so excited. I was like a hero.

Corey Allan: Well done.

Michael Smalley: Ugh.

Teresa Thomas: Oh, there he goes –

Corey Allan: To this point –

Michael Smalley: I felt for the first of my life I felt cool.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Hey, my wife, she’s impressed.

Corey Allan: Nice.

Michael Smalley: Which I’m saying this out loud and I realized how pathetic that is. It is a birthday card invitation.

Teresa Thomas: It could — yeah. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Hey, sometimes — sometimes the simple things can be very impressive though.

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: That’s true.

Michael Smalley: Or I need to step it up in my life.

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Oh well, glass half empty, okay.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, okay –

Teresa Thomas: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: … it is fair.

Teresa Thomas: Carry on.

Michael Smalley: So –

Teresa Thomas: I can’t wait to hear the story.

Michael Smalley: We have it all gone. It’s all done. She has an Intensive Starting. So, it’s the morning. It’s ready to be printed. She — her last famous words to me were, “Okay, all you have to do is print this out and then put them in all the parent’s boxes at kindergarten.” I’m like, “Pff, easy.”

Corey Allan: Done.

Michael Smalley: So, she leaves. I have it up in the monitor. I’m straight up getting ready to hit command P to print and my 7-year old walks by. So, now I have a chance to be, you know, a hero again because he’s like, “Dad, isn’t that –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: … my invitation?” So he’s freaking out, you know. I’m like, “Come over.” So, he comes over. Sits on my lap and he’s looking at it.

[0:10:01]

I’m like, “Hey, you like it?” He goes, “Dad, I love it. Man, this is so cool.” And I am on top of the world. When my 7-year old says, “Hey, did you tell her what I want for my birthday?” I was like, “Oh, how do we miss that?” “No, dude. I didn’t but hey, it’s not too late. I haven’t printed it out yet.” And before you know it, I have actually created, if you can imagine this, a gigantic banner that went across the entire front of the invitation that said and I quote because I couldn’t fit the entire phrase, so I had to condense it a little bit. It says and I quote in this gigantic banner, “David wants cash.”

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas:  “David wants cash” on the front of the invitation.

Michael Smalley: Teresa, what does that mean –

Teresa Thomas: Let me get –

Michael Smalley: … to a woman –

Teresa Thomas: Oh.

Michael Smalley: … to even hear that?

Teresa Thomas: I’m just cringing.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: I am cringing.

Michael Smalley: Here’s what’s really sick. I –

Teresa Thomas: And I’m guessing you’re about to tell me you did not proof this through Amy.

Michael Smalley: No, she was out at –

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Michael Smalley: … in Intensive.

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Michael Smalley: I couldn’t.

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Michael Smalley: And what’s really embarrassing because I know like 90% of the listening audience knows you don’t do that but not everybody knows this –

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: … and what’s horrible is I didn’t even — didn’t realized. So, I put it on there. I print it and I went to school. Put it in every single parent’s box, didn’t leave a single one empty.

Corey Allan: Awesome.

Teresa Thomas: Still feeling like a hero.

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Awesome.

Michael Smalley: Still feel like a hero.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: And it — you know, literally, it took until 3 o’clock that day when I’m sitting under the old oak tree with the other moms and we’re waiting for the kids who kind of were on the playground. It’s the end of the day. Suddenly, that’s the time I go, “Huh, I wonder if that was inappropriate –

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: “I’d better ask.”

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Oh.

Corey Allan: Oh, no.

Michael Smalley: I mean it’s like overwhelming. I was looking to be –

Teresa Thomas: You better ask?

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Michael Smalley: Suddenly it hits me that, maybe that was a weird thing to do on an invitation. So, I asked one of our friends, “Hey, did you see the invite?” She’s like, “No. Honestly, I just put it on my purse.” I went, “Would it be weird if I put…” And I’m telling you her facial expression scared the crud out of me because I knew –

Teresa Thomas: I am sure.

Michael Smalley: In that moment I knew, I’m a dead man. And like any loving, healthy husband, I chose to lie.

Corey Allan: Well done. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Well done.

Michael Smalley: I kind if felt like my life depended on it. [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: And so when Amy got home from her Intensive that day, I didn’t say squat. I mean not a word about it, not that — I have to play this one out and see what happens.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: And the first part of ADHD, by the way, is by the next day I totally forgotten about them.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: So like, you know, it was the week before the party and I didn’t have to feel guilty.

Corey Allan: Oh perfect, yeah. Perfect, you just kind of roll right along. Nothing — nothing –

Michael Smalley: Oh, yeah.

Corey Allan: … can go wrong with this plan.

Michael Smalley: No, nothing at all. Lying is always a really, really smart option –

Corey Allan: Yeah. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: … in dealing in conflict with your spouse. So long story short, we get to the birthday party. I have legitimately completely forgotten about the entire thing. My wife and I watching all the parents come with just birthday cards and my wife says, this is how loving she is, “Wow, that’s — wow, no one is actually bringing any presents but you know what, that’s really cool that our friends don’t feel obligated to bring toys and gifts for David. He has enough already.” So, she’s like already like gone Mother Teresa on me.

Teresa Thomas: Yes. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Then it’s like, oh, because then I remember. I’d — now, I’m like, “Oh, God. That invitation,” and the next thing you know, the friend that I asked comes and tells Amy how easy I made shopping for David this year. She actually did that.

Teresa Thomas: And there you go.

Michael Smalley: Now, this is where buttons come in to play because where a lot of couples get in to trouble in this big bad embarrassing moments, is that lot of them if they’re like Amy and if they don’t understand this concept which thank, thank Heaven she did, but a lot of wives would have lost their minds and would have stayed on the back that it is rude to put that on an invitation. And what’s tricky about it, yes, that is true obviously –

Teresa Thomas: That’s the truth, uh huh.

Michael Smalley: … to the mass population. It is rude to do that but that’s not what angered or upset her. And that’s what the buttons are because at the end of the day at the party when she finally found out, she pulled me aside kind of roughly grabbed my arm, which was okay, pulled me down because she’s short and she said, “I cannot even begin to tell you how humiliated and embarrassed I am right now.” Those are the buttons.

[0:15:04] 

Corey Allan: Yup.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: And I’m telling you — you all and when this has happened to you, what do you think I would have done if she had tried to go off on me about how stupid it is to put something like that on invitation and the etiquette and blah blah blah –

Teresa Thomas: And you should have known and –

Michael Smalley: Yeah, you should know.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: I mean when you come at somebody, your spouse or anybody when you’re hurt and you come out on with facts, you’re now entering in to a place where you can argue those facts until the cows come home, right?

Teresa Thomas: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: I mean that’s why we have lawyers. Any fact is arguable.

Teresa Thomas: And fact fighting will always lead to failure because there will always be a winner and a loser.

Michael Smalley: Ooh, I like that. And is that kind of what we want? I mean is that what we’re going for in our marriages is a winner and a loser or are we like, you know, I think we’re more teammates, right?

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Teresa Thomas: Sure. So that fact that Amy identified the buttons that you had pushed versus getting in the fact fight with you about whether it’s true or not true. What did that do for the situation?

Michael Smalley: Well, here’s what it does and it did for me is because she chose to share her button and not the facts and or shame, shame –

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: … me or criticize or blame, she really just took ownership and what I hated about that moment is when because she only chose to share that she felt humiliated and embarrass, I am now left with the fact that I’m a total jerk, that I’m a liar, right? I mean I could have told her and I didn’t.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: And I’m a jerk and I am insensitive and I don’t have a clue about etiquette and that’s kind of embarrassing myself because she shared her buttons that forced me to stay on me.

Corey Allan: Uh huh, personal responsibility.

Michael Smalley: Ugh.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I don’t like it.

Corey Allan: Especially when it weighs a whole lot in those situations.

Michael Smalley: Ugh.

Teresa Thomas: And here’s the question, Michael — I’m wondering when she focused on those buttons, what then happened to you? Was that defense mode for you or was that — what mode did that put you in?

Michael Smalley: Oh, it — and I’m telling you facts create defense mode.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: Feelings create team, team mode. I mean I am telling you, I instantly wanted to make that right.

Teresa Thomas:  Exactly.

Michael Smalley: I would get on her side.

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: I was right along side her feeling horrible and wanting, really desiring to make it right because –

Teresa Thomas: Exactly.

Michael Smalley: … I felt bad. It made me feel for her which I think is what really allowed that interaction because that could have been bad, right?

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: Hey, actually one of my –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: One of my favorite quotes from her in that moment and she actually said this, when she grabbed my arm and said, “I am so embarrassed and humiliated right now,” she then followed it up with and I quote, “I refuse to run another birthday party.”

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: “This is going to stay about you this time.” Oh, my favorite part is “Not another birthday party.”

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Another, another, yeah. It’s ooh, okay.

Michael Smalley: [Laughter] She had before but she took responsibility and said, “Hey, this isn’t about me.”

Corey Allan: No.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: “He’s idiot. So I’ll let him remain idiot, I’m going to do the right thing,” and so — and we’ll talk about this in a very near future show but she in essence said, “Hey, I need a timeout. I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’m going to collect myself and then I promise when I come back, I’ll be cool. We’ll have a fun birthday and then we can figure this out when we get home.” And that actually happened –

Teresa Thomas: Awesome.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: … did totally happened. She had a great attitude. Even when my stinking son started to kind of, “Hey, how come I didn’t get any toys?” Yeah, he forgotten.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Ugh, I could have killed him. Even when he said that, she maintained it. And so when she –

Teresa Thomas: Good one, Amy.

Michael Smalley: … when you get to the buttons, the best part of buttons is that you’re pretty much getting to the — the deepest, most intimate issue that you’re dealing with.

Corey Allan: So the root of what’s going on –

Michael Smalley: And we weren’t dealing with birthday cards –

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: You what?

Corey Allan: It’s the root of what’s going on. It’s — it’s –

Michael Smalley: The root –

Corey Allan: … the underlying stuff that we dance around.

Michael Smalley: Yup. And so, once we get in the root, okay, now we can find solutions and I tell you this much, Teresa, kind of like how you — how you pull this out on me, when you get to the root, you become teammates again –

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: … and then I may, you know, I might totally disagree about what it is that’s important to you or whatever but the moment that I hear the associated feeling or button, well now, that absolutely might change my perspective and my opinion.

[0:20:16]

Teresa Thomas: Because?

Michael Smalley: Because I can see this as a huge deal. This isn’t about remembering receipts. This isn’t about taking the trash out. This isn’t about any of that crud. This is about my wife feeling embarrassed and humiliated. I don’t want that. I now want to fix it at whatever cost which eventually meant me going to a lot of people and apologizing for being an idiot.

Teresa Thomas: And Michael, as you’re saying that I’m wondering about the female and male audience listening that I think women can grasp  this concept and say, “Hey, I could share my emotions instead of fact fighting.” I wonder from a male’s perspective what they’re hearing when they’re saying, “Okay, so what you’re saying is instead of telling my wife what she did was wrong or fact fighting with you, you’re telling me now I got to tell her how I feel?” I got to come out with these buttons as you put it? How do we get that whole mindset changes that they understand that even their sharing of feelings is going to be more productive than having this cognitive fact fighting with their wives?

Michael Smalley: Well, I think it really — it depends on men and women, research had shown that men and women both equally desire a healthy marriage. So men want the exact same thing their wives want. It –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: … just doesn’t sometimes come across that way because of our gender differences, right?

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: But at the end of the day when I tell guys is, “Look, do you want a good marriage?” “Well yeah, I want one.” “Okay, well, this is going to be a part of it.” And Corey, how do you — how do you deal with that –

Teresa Thomas: Yeah, Corey –

Michael Smalley: … with men who might struggle like kind of maybe that quintessential type A driven guy? How do you get them to this place?

Corey Allan:  Well, so to me it’s not necessarily about the idea of okay, I need to learn how to open up and share my feelings more. It’s — I think of it in terms of I need to learn how to be more aware of what’s going on in the moment, to learn how to suit my reactions better in the moment. And whether that is I share what’s going on as in, “Hey, I’m embarrassed by this,” or “I’m feeling disrespected by this.” It’s more of “I wonder what’s going on with me and how could I stay engaged and lean in to this discomfort rather than react to it.” I mean the phrase I come up with — just gone really well with men is learning how to respond to situations rather than react to situations. That’s kind of the head — head thing right there that comes –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Corey Allan: … is in the wheelhouse of most men. And so, it’s rather than just being a pawn and reacting to everything, I need to learn how to kind of slow it down a little bit and say, “What’s going on so I can respond more appropriately?” It’s –

Michael Smalley: It’s about manning up.

Corey Allan: Yeah –

Teresa Thomas: And Corey, what would that look like then for the male listeners? Okay, now I’m hearing you say that “I’m going to respond instead of react.” React is out emotion. Would you agree –

Corey Allan:  Well –

Teresa Thomas: … that when they blow up or get –

Corey Allan: Typically, I mean to me the emotion and the head they go hand in hand and you can’t be all –

Teresa Thomas:  Okay.

Corey Allan: … one or the other. You’re always –

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Corey Allan: We’re always going to have part of them. I kind of think of it as a higher order of things that it’s — it’s not — it’s not being all head and it’s not being all heart or emotion –

Michael Smalley: Heart.

Corey Allan: … it’s kind of being above it and choosing between the two while being dominated by neither.

Teresa Thomas: Got you.

Corey Allan: So, it’s — it’s a little bit more of a — I mean that the cycle of that will term as the differentiation idea that Murray Bowen came up with. And it’s the idea of being able to utilize what’s appropriate and healthy and helpful in each situation because sometimes you do need to think your way through things and sometimes you need to really emote your way through things.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Corey Allan: And but neither is always right or wrong and so it’s –

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Corey Allan: … really hard to — so the more I can help a guy or anybody, you know, and this is even in my own life, learn — okay, what’s my predominant way of dealing with things? How do I bring in the other side of things so I have more balance, more connection, more authenticity, more realness? Because that’s what — Michael, what I’m thinking of with your scenario is, you know, I’m not — [Laughter] I like cash. I mean that’s great. That’s a great idea. That says a whole lot. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I still agree but no one agrees with me –

Corey Allan: Right. No, I do.

[0:25:02]

I agree with you but I realized that, okay, maybe that’s not appropriate. Maybe that’s not whatever and if I don’t agree with like if Pam came up at me and say, “You can’t do that,” it’d be like, “Well okay, you’re embarrassed. I’m not. What do we do about it?” You know? I don’t know if I need to correct it, you know. That’s where it’s kind of all different and there’s not a right way to go about how we do marriage. There’s just the way everybody does their marriage and how can you do it more effective to what –

Michael Smalley: Well –

Corey Allan: … each person wants within it.

Michael Smalley: I might challenge that a little in the sense of I mean I get that there’s all sorts of marriages and not wanting but — but one guaranteed overarching principle, if you’re going to be successful in marriage is you do have to land on a win-win.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Michael Smalley: That’s huge. So, that would be the one thing I might say or add because I get what you’re saying that, “Well, wait a minute, my wife doesn’t just control me. So she’s not allowed to just…” you know, one spouse isn’t just allowed to make up the rules like a –

Corey Allan:  Right.

Michael Smalley: … dictator.

Corey Allan: Right.

Teresa Thomas: Thankfully.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, exactly thankfully because absolute power collapse absolutely.

Corey Allan: Right.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: And so, like for example, even the birthday card thing, I still to this day would be thrilled if someone put that on their kid’s birthday card because I don’t know your kid. I don’t really care.

Corey Allan:  Right.

Michael Smalley: And I don’t wanted to go out and think about at Target, right, or Wal-Mart, “Oh, what this stupid kid want?”

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Right.

Michael Smalley: I mean I would love to be able to give you cash.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: So, my — my opinion on that has never changed however – however, I’m married –

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: … which means I’m not just a single anymore and so I have to find a win-win and that’s where I think sometimes you can get in to serving your spouse, laying down your life, you know, and I don’t ever use the word compromise because that’s — that never feels good to me. But like for example, this — this specific incident, it really came down to what’s more important to me? Putting “David wants cash” on every birthday card from now on because somehow that’s like some radically important thing in my life or — or is it a bigger deal to my wife in the sense of it being more embarrassing than it is –

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: … to me, that’s where you sort of start working the things out. But when you’re committed to a win-win, you land on very good doable solutions.

Corey Allan: Yes.

Michael Smalley: Right?

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Corey Allan: Yeah, that’s right.

Teresa Thomas: And you can get to the point where you want to negotiate navigate a win-win if you’ve been able to share how things affected you, what that button was — what button was pushed like Amy did and you’re not in a fact fighting mode that leads to disaster.

Michael Smalley: No and it doesn’t have to and what’s really cool is that people can, you know, it’s not that you have to memorize because this would be great at sharing feeling words that lead on a — on a website. We’ll put it with this show too. We’ll just give you a PDF of kind of the 50-60 top kind of buttons –

Teresa Thomas: Buttons, uh huh.

Michael Smalley: … that you need to now about and you print it out. And when you’re angry, you need to ask yourself why.

Corey Allan: Right, what is it that’s going on that’s deeper –

Michael Smalley: Why am I angry?

Corey Allan: What it’s — it’s really bringing out this reaction because it’s something that is — is being touched –

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Corey Allan: … at a deeper level.

Michael Smalley: And what’s cool is once you get the why through this show, through thesimplemarriage.com, through, you know, all of our different endeavors, really what we do is we teach you how to resolve these things. So there are – there are skills and things that you can learn concepts but this simple things that you can do that get you out of this dance, right? Where I’m pushing Amy’s button and she’s pushing my buttons and we’re just spiraling out of control. There are ways you can stop that spiral.

Corey Allan: Yup. And the easiest –

Michael Smalley: And –

Corey Allan: … one is?

Michael Smalley: Personal responsibility.

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Is recognizing it, taking a break. It’s like what it’s been mentioned a couple of times. I need to take a timeout. I need to get away and examine what’s really going on, learn how to suit myself so I can be more engaged [Music] more connected, more –

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Corey Allan: … on the same team to work towards whatever is important together, not necessarily just to me.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, I mean at the end of the day it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. Your buttons has gotten pushed. It’s okay. Talk about it.

[0:30:00]

And when you do, when you share it saying, “Hey, I guess I’m just feeling rejected right now.” All of a sudden you’re creating an environment where the two of you can be teammates and resolve it together which I think is what everybody wants, right?

Corey Allan: Right, right

Michael Smalley: Awesome.

Corey Allan: But my question is at the end of this, did David make a lot of cash?

Michael Smalley: Dude, he came down with over 300 bucks.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: There you go. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: It was a treasure trove of cash.

Teresa Thomas: And just as a point of reference, next time you could say, “Gift cards are appreciated.” That’s much better than the –

Corey Allan: Oh, there is the way out.

Teresa Thomas: “David only wants cash.”

Corey Allan: There’s a little hope –

Michael Smalley: This is why we have Teresa on the show –

Corey Allan: Awesome.

Michael Smalley: … right there.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Oh, this has been Simple Marriage Radio. We hope you enjoy it. Have a fantastic rest of your day.

[0:30:53] End of Audio

The post Why do you really argue or get upset? appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (as a thank you, after your review is submitted, I’ll send you a special free gift).

FEATURED RESOURCE

The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage

$14 $11 Add to cart

TRANSCRIPT

Corey Allan: [Music] So Mike and Teresa, I don’t know if you guys have put them on the same round and round dialogs that go on in your home but in my household, it’s been one about TV quite a bit throughout the course of marriage. So, I don’t know. Am I uncommon from you guys?

Michael Smalley: I mean I hope — I hope we don’t have to talk about television because the next thing I know from everything I’ve ever read from you, you’re going to start demanding I take that sting that they have in my bedroom and –

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I mean I like sex, I do but I like TV too.

Teresa Thomas: Me, too.

Corey Allan: Okay, well –

Teresa Thomas: I like –

Corey Allan: I understand where you’re coming from but the thing that comes to my mind is, you know, we’ve always have this idea about — for whatever reason Pam does that not like TV and I mean –

Michael Smalley: She doesn’t like sex or TV?

Corey Allan: TV then –

Michael Smalley: Oh, okay –

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: … just want to clarify.

Teresa Thomas: There’s a hesitation there.  [Laughter]

Corey Allan: And so as — as we’ve gone on and on through our marriage, one of the things that come out is, man, we’re watching too much TV, you know. And now, it’s dramatically lower and really, the only time it’s on when there’s sports on. So, right now, it’s clearly off time and –

Michael Smalley: It’s on –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Corey Allan: And so it’s on and I would always have this idea, you know, for years and years I just knew I could ride the storm [Laughter] whenever she would get in her mood of it’s time to get — it’s time to get rid of the TV.

Michael Smalley: Her anti-TV tantrum –

Corey Allan: Right and I knew I could just, okay, it’s just — it’s just a phase. It’ll be a couple of weeks long, maybe at the most and then I can ride that wave and it will be back to normal and then it’ll come up again in a month or two and then I’ll ride that wave and I was just kind of got in to this little pattern. And then I realized, it changed one day when she changed the rules. And she came to me one day and she just said, “Hey, you know what? I’m tired of how much the TV is on. So, I’m going to go start doing things on the weekends and you’re welcome to come with me but I’m leaving. I’m going to do things with friends and just get out and go do some things. I’ll take the kids with me some, I won’t take them some other times and they’re going to be your responsibility. So, see you,” and –

Teresa Thomas: Good luck with that, yeah. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Yeah, then she walked off and I was just like, “Oh, no.” You know, because I knew right then –

Michael Smalley: She pulled the classic –

Teresa Thomas: All been –

[Crosstalk]

Corey Allan: She changed the whole dynamic of how things were going because she stepped up and took responsibility for what she has control of.

Teresa Thomas: Exactly –

Michael Smalley: Which is clearly not you and your TV watching problem.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Clearly, clearly not me. So it’s like, oh man, now I have to start looking at things all over again and that — what do I really want to do about this.

Michael Smalley: Which is not fun.

Corey Allan: No — well, it’s one of those times that it’s not fun. It could be very — very beneficial but it also is one that, ah, there’s just some discomfort involved in that process.

Michael Smalley: Well and I’m not saying that the not fun or the discomfort is a bad thing, I actually think that there are plenty of deals if we’re going to be adults and grown up in our relationships especially, that there are very good things that aren’t fun or that are difficult and –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: … stretch us and Teresa, I’m curious during — you know, as Corey was talking about, you know, I — because how many people so many husbands say the same thing Corey said, “I’d just wanted to hang in there and survive my wife’s little whatever, you know –

Teresa Thomas: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: … I’m just going to hold on.” What is that for women? What is that thing like what’s driving that? So, you know, as a lady?

Teresa Thomas: What’s driving the women or the driving the men?

Michael Smalley: Well, no, the ladies so she’s obviously frustrated about the TV –

Teresa Thomas: Yup.

Michael Smalley: … and it’s not just the TV, obviously, there’s, you know, women have that — whatever that is but when they get in to that mood, you know, the mood –

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter] Yes.

Michael Smalley: What is that?

Teresa Thomas: Well, in the men always give us plenty of things to focus on what we would like to change –

Michael Smalley: What?

Teresa Thomas: … about their behavior. So –

Michael Smalley: What?

Teresa Thomas: … but I think there’s — yeah, I think there’s big part of that that, you know, as women, we’re striving for, you know, balance in our families and we feel like that’s our role. And so when, you know, we see our husband or our kids or whatever, getting out of balance, we’re always want — we’re always pointing the finger at that and I think there are — there is well intention, the delivery can be dysfunctional, obviously, many times and what Corey was referring to I think when one of us changes the way we dance with each other, it is challenging and frustrating. But in the end, you know, what you — what you gain from that is people not being able to do what they’ve always done and for Corey, you know, I sense that frustration on your end of, “Oh, I was prepared for the wave,” and then she changed focus.

[0:05:11]

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: Well, then I think what I heard you saying and this is important to highlight because, obviously, I hope by now and we haven’t necessarily said the words but today’s show is about Personal Responsibility. It’s about taking ownership and changing and acting on what we have control over. But Teresa, you said something that is important that a wife’s heart even though her strategy might be poor –

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: … and it might be coming out like complaining or nagging or one of those moments that I just got to hang on and she’ll just get past it, it’s the heart isn’t in a negative place. The heart is, “I want balance. I want love. I want satisfaction, affection. I want connection. I want my husband to be happy.”

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: “I want myself to be happy, my children and…” And so, you know, I hope husbands who’s listening can receive that that sometimes our wives although maybe their strategy is kind of messed up, let’s not assume that they have ill-intention or that, it’s just a bad thing, maybe we need to go, “Wait a second, what’s underneath this,” which is actually kind of another form of personal responsibility.

Teresa Thomas: Sure, sure.

Michael Smalley: Not making assumptions.

Corey Allan: So, you’re saying it’s fair to say that a woman is a security and stability-seeking creature?

Teresa Thomas: I would say, yes. That’s such a great description. I mean at least it is personally, you know –

Corey Allan: Yes.

Teresa Thomas: … when I’m trying to do those things, it depends on, you know, what kind of mood I’m in whether I’m going to be nagging and yelling or whether I’m crying or whether I’m, you know, just being appropriate with my delivery –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: … but yeah, I’ll let my heart always in the right place.

Corey Allan: So, it’s one of those — because when you do bring in to the — in to the lens the idea of, “Okay, what am I responsible for in this situation?” And that starts and ends with me. That’s all I can really control but yet, we have so many times where we fall victim to the illusion of, “Oh no, I can change things. I can change them,” I mean that’s kind of code for [Laughter] “I can bring about a different thing in my spouse.” But at the core, you know, women are women and men are men and there are some differences there that trip us up but also I think refine us maybe that help us give us opportunities for growth.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: Oh, I think they do and Corey, let’s even unpack your TV deal because I think what I loved about what Pam did was she didn’t come at you and say, “You’re worthless. You’re lazy. You’re a bad father. You’re a bad husband.”

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: She finally got to the — no, I’m sure those have all been said before by Pam.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: But in that moment, she obviously got to a place where she realized, you know, “My husband isn’t getting onboard with this anti-TV thing. So, I need to let that go.”

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: “And so, I’m just going to let him know, ‘Hey, look. I love you, but dude, I’m going to start doing stuff, man.’ So I would love for you to join me –

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: … but if you don’t, that’s fine. And you know, when the kids are home, you’ll have them and I’ll be out, out and about.” And I’m curious, what do that force you to do? I’d be curious on like what impacted that make on you?

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Corey Allan: Well, one of the biggest things that jumped out was, okay, how much time do I want to spend with her because I realized with the situation we have because our roles were somewhat reversed because she has the fulltime job that’s out of the home, that, you know, she’s a career woman. It’s just the way she is wired and then I have primarily the child care duties in my household. So, I’m getting kids to and from school and all the different practices and all the stuff they do. So I knew, okay, if I want to make time for her, weekends are the — primetime. If she’s going to be gone, uh oh, you know, I want to spend some time with her. I want to — I want to be with her. So, I have to then decide, all right, if she’s going to stick with this, that puts on this on me to change if I want to be with her and then I can’t blame her for it because she’s already kind of said, “Here’s me, take it or leave it. If you wanted to be with me, come on, I’d love it.”

Michael Smalley: Open — open do you coming and also, open for you being a lazy butt.

Corey Allan:  [Laughter] Exactly –

Michael Smalley: Right?

Corey Allan: … it’s up to me.

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Yeah because there’s a flip side to that too and what I recognized when couples come in that the personal responsibility on the female I guess that’s upset about the TV watching. I know for me with Jim, he loves sports but gosh, I mean I have to — I may look — I may have looked that like, okay, enough is enough but I had to also look at the activating event which was the watching of the sports and realized that my belief was based on time I wasn’t getting with him and other things we could be doing versus focusing on — the guy works so many hours all day and one of the things that brings him pleasure is to be in front of TV watching sports. So who am I to take that away from him? So when I change that belief system, my consequence looks a lot different.

[0:10:35]

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, it does and I think –

Corey Allan: Real quick, Teresa, I want — I want to back up real quick, Michael. I’m going to step on you for a second. Unpack that, the ABC you just did. I mean let’s us – put this the right way –

Teresa Thomas: Okay, so ABC. A) is the activating event and that would be in this case watching TV. B) is my belief about that activating event and C) equals what consequence I’m going to personally, you know, have. And so that’s what I control. I take personal responsibility for what I believe about everything going on around me.

Corey Allan: Uh huh.

Teresa Thomas: And so, you know, if you want to change the way you feel or change the way that’s something is coming at you, the thing you control is your belief about it. You’re not going to change other people’s behavior but you certainly can change your belief about that behavior.

Corey Allan: That’s great.

Michael Smalley: Well and when you changed your beliefs what happens is you become more gracious. You become more patient. You become –

Teresa Thomas: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: … more understanding. And here’s the deal and Teresa and Corey, correct me if I’m wrong, but it feels like when we take responsibility for our life, so for example, we tell people all the time, “Look, your husband or wife didn’t make you angry. You chose to respond –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: … with the emotion of anger.” And so we’re not victims, right? When we grow up and become adults, we can no longer blame people, places or things for our satisfaction in life. That’s our job.

Teresa Thomas: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: So, if I — and here’s what sad because it’s feels like the majority of people especially the ones that come in to our Smalley Intensive Program, they come blaming everything for their current misery in life and the truth of the matter is, it’s their own fault.

Corey Allan: They co-created it.

Michael Smalley: They are not victims in it.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: And people don’t like to hear that. You know, Amy and I wrote an entire book called The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage on Personal Responsibility. The original title was the Greatest Advice No One Wants to Hear.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: And so we just didn’t want to make it a negative title but that’s — that’s the truth about personal responsibility is “I want to blame. This — I don’t want to it to be my fault.” But what’s crazy is when I take responsibility kind of like, again, going back to even Pam, she got the change she wanted.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: And she didn’t have to be a whiny, stressed out neurotic ball of nerves trying to get it. She got the life she wanted. You saw that as attractive, did you not?

Corey Allan: Absolutely, well it’s one of the –

Michael Smalley: Sexy.

Corey Allan: Yes, it’s one of those were it’s like you’ve own –

Michael Smalley:  It’s like bound check a bound bound time.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Okay, now — now, I’m off the top. Okay, no, it’s one of those –

Teresa Thomas: Yeah [Laughter].

Corey Allan: … that you have — the idea of “Okay, I’m going to live a life that’s worth wanting. I’m going to present something that’s worth wanting.”

Michael Smalley: Oh, say –

Corey Allan: And that — that’s really –

Michael Smalley: Can you please say that again?

Corey Allan: And that’s all I can really control is like I’m going to present something that is valuable and it’s worth wanting. And obviously, that’s factored in by the relationships and the components and the feedback that I get from people but it also largely, you know, a huge percentage of it comes from me, from within on who am I  at my core and who do I  want to become at my core. And so when I live according to that, that ups the attraction dramatically to those that are around you. And it also makes it a little bit of a challenge.

You know, what comes to my mind is the advice that was given to teenagers when I was a in Youth Ministry for years and years this advice I always heard was, you know, you constantly live a life and a relationship with Christ that’s really strong and as — you link of it as a race. When you’re running a race, the guys that are around you, if we’re talking to the females, are the ones that you could date. The ones that can’t keep up, you don’t want to spend time with, you know. It’s, you know, lower yourself to another person, you constantly keep — keep it going and then it’s on the people that want to be with you to stay with –

Teresa Thomas: To catch up, yeah. Uh huh.

Corey Allan: Yup. And it’s the thing that’s cool about marriage is that goes on on both ends all the time.

[0:15:02]

Michael Smalley: Well, it not only does it go, you know, on both — both ends and what I get excited about is when we start taking responsibility, I mean it would be nice, right? How do you even know? Would it really be that fun to legitimately be able to control people? [Laughter] I mean let’s think about that for a sec because we try, right?

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Corey Allan: For maybe — maybe 10 minutes.

Michael Smalley: But if we have — if I actually had legitimate control, when I ever feel loved –

Corey Allan: No.

Michael Smalley: I mean I couldn’t, right?

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Corey Allan: No.

Michael Smalley: But what’s great about personal responsibility, I don’t control others and I just take that on like my teenage son who just got his driver’s license. Yes, talk about personal responsibility.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Oh, that’s stressful.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: But I can’t control him and I’m a really bad parent if I try to control him.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: But with personal responsibility and for you folks our there especially in marriages or you’re frustrated and you’re feeling stuck, you can influence people. Just because I’m not trying to control you, doesn’t mean somehow now that I’ve taken my hands out of the, you know, that oh I have just given up on you, no. Probably actually what’s going to happen is you’re going to respond in a way, again, like your wife, like mine, Teresa and like your husband, that when I take responsibility and I start doing the right thing and doing the healthy thing, generally, my spouse is going to follow right along.

Corey Allan: Well –

Teresa Thomas: And — and what I hear you saying a lot is like a behavioral change and what I wanted to empower the listeners to really think about is that it — to me, it starts with what you’re thinking and what you’re believing and that’s when the feelings and the behaviors start to, you know, fall in to place but I think it’s really important that they really think about “What am thinking right now that’s causing this negative emotion about my spouse’s behavior?” And I have to take personal responsibility for my thoughts about their behavior and when I change my thoughts about that –

Michael Smalley: Because our thoughts dictate our actions.

Teresa Thomas: Exactly. When I change my thoughts, I can change the world. That’s how I feel sometimes.

Michael Smalley: You should write a book called The Secret.

Teresa Thomas: The — [Laughter] 

Michael Smalley: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: So, how does we apply that because what comes to my mind listening to your talk, Teresa is you get the husband and wife scenario where it’s just — let’s just call it a really loud household –

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Corey Allan: … where they’re yellers.

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Corey Allan: And one of them is adamant of “I do not want to be yelled at. I do not like being yelled at,” but the only manner they have found to combat and draw lines in the sand is by trying to be louder –

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Corey Allan: “I feel disrespected and attacked so therefore, I will respond in kind. I will react in kind.” The idea of personal responsibility to me comes out in, okay, all of sudden now I’m being yelled at and rather than trying to up the ante and yell back, I draw the line in the sand and just respond with I will not be in a discussion when I am being yelled at and I physically remove myself.

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Corey Allan: Or I hang up the phone [Laughter] or whatever it is that’s going on. That’s how to me — those are the action steps you could start to take of, okay, I — I have belief surrounding what’s going on in my life and that would dictate what I do so I can change it by challenging my beliefs and understanding them. But I can also start to slightly shift it by changing my behaviors that are so –

Teresa Thomas: Sure and I think when they’re in an intensive situation when they’re with — the couple then, when we see that escalation happening, if you’re going to go along with my theory, it’s asking that spouse to say, “What are you believing right now as he or she is yelling at you?”

Corey Allan: Right.

Teresa Thomas: I believe there are, you know, they’re calling all kinds of bad names and dishonoring and then when we get the spouse that’s yelling to really talk about why they are yelling, it’s usually always have that fear and pain underneath it.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Teresa Thomas: And so when they can start looking at their spouse and saying, “You know what? I can either believe that there are the big B right now or I can say, hey, my spouse is in pain and they’re in fear, how can I help them right now instead of yelling back at them?”

Corey Allan: Okay.

Teresa Thomas: That’s such a belief change that would change their reaction to them.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Teresa Thomas: So, I hope I answered your question.

Corey Allan: No, it does and it’s just one that — it seems like there’s so many different ways to go about and bring about change. That’s the thing I love about –

Teresa Thomas: Yes, true.

Corey Allan: … you know, in relationship system is — is stuff that happens not linear, you know, it’s not always –

Michael Smalley: It’s dynamic.

Corey Allan: This — yes, it’s so many contributing factors. And so, that can either be, “Oh, I’m totally powerless” or “No, I can take little things and make huge things happen.”

[0:20:06]

Michael Smalley: Actually Corey, I have to disagree.

Corey Allan: Go.

Michael Smalley: I think you can boil it down to the sort of fundamental deal that has to happened is change, doing it different.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Michael Smalley: So, now — yeah, that can be in any — so there are sort of is one and again, that’s where personal responsibility comes in –

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: … is if I don’t realize that I’m not a victim, and I don’t realize that, okay, all  this junk hasn’t been working, I got to do something. So Teresa saying, “Hey, change your beliefs.”

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: That will work.

Corey Allan: Yeah, it will.

Michael Smalley: You — Pam, hey, changed her actions. Right?

Corey Allan: That –

Michael Smalley: It worked.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: You know, get a gun.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: That will work in a bad way –

Corey Allan: And that’s –

Michael Smalley: … in a bad way but –

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Let me add one little caveat to it because this is something that trips us so much and in families and in the marriages is if I want to bring about change, I have to examine my attachment to outcomes that I have because it’s one of those, “Well, I’m going to this. I’m going to do what these people on the Simple Marriage Radio are recommending and I’m going to all of a sudden start saying, ‘Look, I’m not going to be around because I don’t to have, you know, TV on all the time.’” And my attachment to the outcome is, whoa, because that will bring about more time with my spouse. Well, who knows? It may not. It may –

Teresa Thomas: It may not –

Corey Allan: … in marriage. I mean I don’t know if –

Michael Smalley: It might.

Corey Allan: … or so adamant on who they are and what they want to be. But what it does do is that it puts things in to a critical mass mode which does bring about change.

Michael Smalley: And the key though is I’ve got to do these things without strings attached.

Teresa Thomas: Uh huh.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: I cannot and that’s — Corey, that’s what you’re saying and so let’s just highlight for everybody, yeah, don’t do stuff so that somebody else will do this certain thing.

Corey Allan: Yeah, let’s call –

Michael Smalley: That’s disastrous.

Corey Allan: Yeah, that’s manipulation.

Michael Smalley: It is manipulative.

Teresa Thomas: It is.

Michael Smalley: And it doesn’t work and do you really even want that? I don’t want that.

Teresa Thomas: I don’t want it because it sets the whole environment up for failure.

Michael Smalley: It feels dirty and not the –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: … the good dirty.

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Michael Smalley: The bad dirty –

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: And that’s just not fun and it’s exhausting. It causes stress and anxiety and sleepless nights and that pit in your stomach but it sounds like what Pam did was she reached to a point where she said, “Look, I can be okay if he doesn’t come onboard with this. I’m going to take care of myself because I have this second [0:22:42] [Phonetic] in the marriage. It’s just not divorce-worthy because my husband watches too much TV.” You know, it’s funny we just — Amy and I did a conference recently and it really got off on that subject of the — of the — you know, there are so many couples today they call it quits over the most non-divorce-worthy issue because I’m not afraid –

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: … of divorce. I’m a Christian. I’m a pastor. I’m — you know, I’m in the business of saving marriages but there — hey, there are things that are unacceptable and I’m not afraid of it but there are so many — there are so there’d be [0:23:16] [Phonetic].

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: And it’s just two people kind of, “Hey, I’ll get honest, it’s sort of being crybabies. I’m not getting what I want –

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Right, yeah.

Michael Smalley: … and therefore…” oh, here’s the best too, “You make me miserable,” right? That’s what a lot of divorcing people say.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: “You are the reason for my misery. So here’s my strategy. I’m going to divorce you because somehow that’s going to make you better and me better,” you know, that’s not going to blow up in my face in terms of how much money that costs and how much more anxiety. I mean it makes everything worse. But then geniusly, I’m going to go out there in to the world and find other dysfunctional human being and marry them and then be shocked 9 months in to that relationship just find the same problems.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Teresa Thomas: Because you take you to the next relationship.

Corey Allan: I’m in denominator.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: You are the biggest problem in your relationships and you can’t –

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: … run from you. Right?

Corey Allan: No matter how hard we could try.

Michael Smalley: And I’ve tried really, really hard and it just doesn’t work. I can’t –

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Michael Smalley: … escape me. No matter what I do, I have problems [Laughter] and they’re not solvable until death. And so it just works out better in my marriage to hang in there and for me to worry about doing the right thing and let God and my wife worry about what she’s doing.

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Michael Smalley: Is that fair?

Corey Allan: So — could you say we could frame this whole discussion under the whole idea that life is a choice, marriage is a choice, what we do is a choice? [Music] That –

Michael Smalley: Oh.

Corey Allan: That we’re not — we’re not just — we haven’t strapped in to a rollercoaster that it is on a truck that we can’t completely control.

[0:25:08]

Michael Smalley: We are –

Corey Allan: And that –

Michael Smalley: If we wrap it up that way saying that in whatever situation you have, you can be okay. You don’t need your spouse to do it a certain thing. You can get to a better place because you’re in charge of your life and your emotions.

Teresa Thomas: And what you believe.

Michael Smalley: And what you believe.

Teresa Thomas: I had throw that one in there. That was to me is so important.

Michael Smalley: And that’s a good stuff. Well, thanks everyone for listening. We hope you enjoyed. We hope you have a better understanding of how you — how you alone can change your relationship for the better. This has been Simple Marriage Radio with Corey, Teresa and myself, Michael. Have a wonderful day.

[0:26:05] End of Audio

The post Is there anything YOU can do to help your relationship? appeared first on .

TRANSCRIPT

[0:00:00]

Michael Smalley: [Music] Well, I’m just curious you two are you kind of shocked that we have actually finally gotten to our first episode of the Simple Marriage Radio?

Corey Allan: I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you think we’ll make it? [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I don’t know. Teresa, I think I’m starting to wonder if you’re behind our technological glitching because you’re kind of anti-technology, are you not?

Teresa Thomas: Hey, I’m just sandwiched in between you two geniuses. That’s all I got. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Geniuses, wow.

Michael Smalley: Wow.

Teresa Thomas: I can watch — credit. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: I think we should close the show right there, Michael. [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: That’s right. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I think we should close the show because we know it’s not going to get better from this moment on.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Teresa Thomas: Sure, it will.

Michael Smalley: No, it will. And let me introduce the gang here. I am Michael Smalley and then I have also here hosting the show Corey Allan and Teresa Thomas as well. So, we have two men and a girl.

Corey Allan: [Laughter] Exactly.

Michael Smalley: Or two men and a lady.

Corey Allan: Yeah, that’s a little –

Michael Smalley: Girl is a little demeaning.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Thank you. Thank you, Michael.

Michael Smalley: I knew because you’re so much smarter than I am. I knew that was going to come so I tried to — I tried to kind of, you know, dig my way out of that humbly, quickly –

Teresa Thomas: You did well, you did well.

Michael Smalley: Did it work?

Teresa Thomas: Yes, yes.

Michael Smalley: See I use the same thing with my wife because I generally find myself digging — digging out a hole with her as well.

Corey Allan: You carry a shovel with you often is what you’re saying?

Michael Smalley:  [Laughter] Yeah, yeah. It’s really a bulldozer. It’s more of a bulldozer than it is. You know, the big crane ones that has the big scooper.

Corey Allan: You know, that — that might just be the lot of us men in life right there, my friend that it seems like we just carry shovels and dig holes and then try to figure out ways out of them. Fairly regular –

Teresa Thomas: That’s right.

Michael Smalley: Well, Teresa, is that what you experience with your wonderful husband?

Teresa Thomas: You know, yes.

Michael Smalley:  [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: He does carry a big shovel.  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Man, I kind of set you up there to like honor him and –

Corey Allan: No, it’s –

Michael Smalley: … value him and you just tossed him under the bus.

Corey Allan: We’re going to be real on this show. I mean Simple Marriage Radio it’s all about being real, isn’t it?

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: Well, I think so.

Teresa Thomas: We all — yes.

Michael Smalley: I think that’s why I’m excited especially, you know, teaming up with the two of you is kind of a cornerstone of what I’ve always done and it even started with my dad and his and when he started helping marriages is that we don’t — the three of us don’t need to pretend to be better than we are and we’re just as dysfunctional as everybody else is who’s listening.

Corey Allan:  [Laughter] Exactly.

Michael Smalley: So we’re not going to hide that.

Corey Allan: No, no, that’s –

Michael Smalley: We –

Corey Allan: I think in the — in the premise is that we’re going to be real and kind of share — share our journey with the listeners because if anything else is going to provide hope that it is going to be like, “Oh hey, man if these guys can — if these guys are having — saying the same issues, I have then I must be doing just fine.”

Michael Smalley: Ooh, that’s kind of the goal is you’ll listen to this show and you’ll hear how messed up our lives are and we’re all professionals. So you’ll feel much better about your life. That’s kind of what we’re going for, is that not, Teresa?

Teresa Thomas: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: Is that where we’re going for?

Teresa Thomas: It’s kind of like when a bunch of girls get together, we all start feeling really normal when we’re all cackling about all the things going on in our marriages. So I hope this radio show can provide that as well for couples.

Corey Allan: So, hold a second –

Michael Smalley: I actually love the word you use.

Corey Allan: I have to stop, buddy –

Teresa Thomas: Cackling?  [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Does she just — does she just refer to us a bunch of women getting together?

Teresa Thomas:  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I take that as an honor.

Corey Allan: Okay, okay.  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Because women roll –

Teresa Thomas: We’re just going to have the male perspective as well.

Corey Allan: Oh, that will work, okay.

Michael Smalley: Well, but Teresa, not even the cackling word which was a good — I’m impress that you can drop cackling this quick in the show.

Teresa Thomas: Okay.

Michael Smalley: The normal word, let’s talk about that for a second. What — because you’re a part — you know, we have the Smalley Centers and you have — you’re the lead intensive coach for the Dallas Smalley Center. And what do you find — what happens with a couple when you kind of help them realize, “Hey, you’re not alone”?

Teresa Thomas: Well, I mean all kind of a lot those go off and they’re — it just puts them at ease in that environment knowing that they’re going to have to, you know, open up and be transparent with me for the next two days and when they’re able to share their stories with me and feel like, you know, that they’re not, there’s not something odd or strange about them or their situations that, you know, majority of the times couples don’t tell anything I haven’t heard before and it just gives them a sense of safety and security in working through their marriage.

Michael Smalley: Well, Corey, what — you’ve been working with the couples as well for a long time and — is that kind of what you experience as well? I mean does it sort of give them a sense of hope like, “Hey, maybe we can make it”?

Corey Allan: Absolutely, I think if you can get to an understanding that whatever happens in your marriage for the most part is kind of part and partial what happens in marriage that it’s a normal process.

[0:05:01]

That it’s something natural unfolding that if you can look at it a little differently, then all of a sudden, that empowers you to change it a little bit to do something different, to lean in to it, to grow, to challenge yourself, to confront something within yourself and your marriage and then that ultimately brings about hope because when you feel stronger on your own two feet, you feel stronger together.

Michael Smalley: Well and I think isn’t that really at the end of the day what we’re doing with this radio show is we’re going to be giving — we’re going to — we’re going to allow you because I like — I always love how you word that, Corey. We’re going to allow — people are going to learn how to do things differently.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: See, we get stuck, right? And couples get stuck and what the problem is that you keep kind of doing the same things over and over again that don’t work and what this show is going to do this being our inaugural show — it’s not quite as good of a word as cackle –

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: … but inaugural, that’s a good word.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Teresa Thomas: Yes, yes.

Michael Smalley: Especially in an election year.

Teresa Thomas: Election — yeah, it’s right.

Michael Smalley: But what happens though and I think why I get so excited about this show is you’re going to get practical. So this isn’t rocket science, right? How to love well is definitely not rocket science. The problem is we don’t really know what to do when it goes bad, when an expectation isn’t met, when, you know, when a feeling –

Teresa Thomas: On revelation when you don’t have time –

Michael Smalley: Yes.

Teresa Thomas: … resolutions to conflicts and there’s always win-lose going on and back fighting and so it — and you know, another thing I think that’s helpful to couples to hear is that they’re in a season, whether they’re in a season of just being married or in a season of, you know, had what have going to do with their finances, having children, kids going off to college, there are seasons. And I think when you break it down from that way, it helps them not to see it as such a long drawn out process.

Corey Allan: Right.

Teresa Thomas: Then this –

Michael Smalley: This is like a light –

Teresa Thomas: … just to go and pass — yeah.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Corey Allan: It’s not a –

Michael Smalley: And it’s a train — [Laughter]

Corey Allan: And it’s not a train.

Teresa Thomas:  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley:  [Laughter] Okay.

Teresa Thomas: It’s not a train.

[Crosstalk]

Corey Allan: …too, man.  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Well, I think Corey and I met a few years ago and that eventually like three years later because that’s how fast our brains process. Three years later we sort of launched this thing called TheSimpleMarriage.com which is — it’s up. It’s ready. It’s out there and it’s kind of a revolutionary new way to help couples whether they’re happy, they’re just going to maintain their happiness and probably get happier all the way down if they’re miserable, they’re going to be able to go through the TheSimpleMarriage.com course and they’re going to be able to get better. And really this radio show was birth out of the course because we realized — and Teresa, I know you agree and Corey is that we’re really wanting to fundamentally change marriage in America and the only way to do that is to get as many as people as we can to hear the truth about what makes marriage work.

Corey Allan: Right.

Teresa Thomas: Correct and I can’t tell you how many couples come in to my office that have seen — Michael, you and Amy speak or your dad speak and say, you know, I’ve heard those concepts before and you know, that was 5 or 6 years ago so I think this radio station provides them with that ongoing reminder of the techniques and tools that work and just, you know, just somewhere they can go that reminds them that the more of the same like you said earlier is not going to change their, you know, the way they’re relating to one another. So I just love the idea of them being able to tap in to this on a weekly basis.

Corey Allan: Right and the fact that this will hit home in the sense that we’re going to live our life out loud through the radio show and talk about the concepts, talk about the process because one of the things I fundamentally believe in that will change the culture of marriage which is largely what Michael and I have built on with the Simple Marriage course in the Academy is that when you can change the way you view what happens in relationships, it changes what you do in relationships. And so if you can all sudden start to realize there’s a process at play, you know, there’s energy and there’s things that are going on that are natural in every system. So if you can harness that, you can create something better and you can take it from, you know, like you mentioned earlier, Mike, if — you can take a mediocre marriage and make it great or you can take a good marriage and make it fabulous.

Michael Smalley: No, you can and I want to be really clear so everyone listening hears this, marriage education works and we know this from years and years and years of research where traditional marital therapy where you meet one hour a week with a counselor is broken. It’s only around 20% success rate and that’s bad and success, by the way, is defined as the couple staying together.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: And so in essence what happens is couples go on average they’ll only go two sessions. So they’ll give it basically two weeks and two hours and that’s not even a full hour, right?

[0:10:09]

Corey Allan: No.

Teresa Thomas: No.

Michael Smalley: I mean Teresa, you used to do traditionally counseling. Corey –

Teresa Thomas: Absolutely.

Michael Smalley: … did traditional counseling. I did traditional counseling. When you have a couple and just even a regular practice, I mean the first — a lot of times people show up late. Consider to get going on time and then you got to shoot the breeze a little bit and so, really, that hour is probably honestly realistically maybe 30 minutes.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: Right?

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Michael Smalley: And so it’s 20% successful and I don’t think it’s become — because of the failure of the therapist out there. I think it was really a failure of the system and what therapists use to help couples. And so this is when, for example, guide — almost 13 years ago, 14 years ago, when my brother who’s also a psychologist. You know, our family meetings are always incredibly interesting.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan:  [Laughter]

Michael Smalley:  [Laughter] My brother is a therapist. My father is a therapist, my wife, my brother’s wife, all of us and we –

Corey Allan: Yeah, who gets the bill for that one, man? That’s –

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Corey Allan: … expensive family –

Michael Smalley: Tell me we’ll know – yeah, but we can’t even pass the salt without having a major like conversation about it.

Teresa Thomas: I envision a bunch of chaise lounges in the den too, you’re all laying. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: It’s a little bit like that, yes.

Teresa Thomas: Yes.

Michael Smalley: But what happens is what we landed on when we went, okay, marital therapy stinks in essence the format or what better format would work? And what we eventually landed on was couple of things, one, is you need to teach couples how to do it differently. You can’t just sit there day after day going, “Tell me what you feel,” and then let them eventually figure it out because they won’t. They won’t give it the time to figure out. So you need to do marriage education which means your attitude is teaching them, directing them. A lot of times I tell my couples, “I’m like your marriage consultant,” right?

Teresa Thomas: Sure.

Michael Smalley: And then the second part is time and the time format is huge. And so for example, like the Smalley Intensive Program is either one day, two days or three days in a row from 9 a.m. till 5 p.m. and when we’re explaining this at live events, I’ll ask couples, “When was the last time you sat together and just focus on your marriage? How long?” And never.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Teresa Thomas: Never, uh huh.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Michael Smalley: And so, the — Smalley Intensive Program where traditional marital therapy is 20% successful. The Intensive Program is 85% successful. And what we’re doing with the show is we’re taking the very concepts that we all know that work and we’re going to teach you. This is going to be your moment where you can download the show, listen to it whenever you want and you’re getting stuff, we promise, you’re getting stuff that works because Corey, and you talked about this a lot very passionately, it feels like a lot of the shows out there and a lot of the books and stuff are really just bandage [0:13:02] [Phonetic].

Corey Allan: Yeah, I think that they — they help relieve the pain and the frustration which largely therapy plays in to this. You know, [Laughter] what comes to my mind is when I’m working with couple and I asked them what is, you know, they’ve been in therapy for years and I asked what didn’t worked in therapy because, you know, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in there.

Teresa Thomas: Right.

Corey Allan: They’re — they’re joking answer right off the bat was what doesn’t work in therapy is therapy.

Michael Smalley: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And like, well, okay. Let’s make sure we’re now doing it different. You know, and let’s make sure we’re doing something that’s different and so what I’m thinking of as I’m listening to you talked about this is what if there was actually a way — if you didn’t have the access to an intensive or an access to sit down and do a focused time just with a guided professional, what if there’s a way that you could do that in the comfort of your own home?

Michael Smalley: Wouldn’t be amazing if that was available?

Corey Allan: That would be revolutionary. It wouldn’t — wait, wait.

Michael Smalley: Wait a minute.

Corey Allan: There is way –

Michael Smalley: There is.

Corey Allan: … to do that.

Teresa Thomas: [Laughter]

Corey Allan: And that we –

Michael Smalley: We have done it.

Corey Allan: That would be the Simple Marriage –

Teresa Thomas: The geniuses speak again. [Laughter]

Corey Allan: Well, it is — it is the idea of taking concepts that are naturally at play and utilizing them in a different way and I think that’s the key. That’s — that’s what’s different about the show. That’s what’s different about Simple Marriage Radio is that — let’s make marriage simple. I mean –

Michael Smalley: Well because it’s flipping complicated, right? Or at least it feels complicated because you’re — hey, how many – Teresa, how many times the people you included –

Teresa Thomas: I think you should have say — yeah.

Michael Smalley: Yeah, how many times we even try to do something helpful and it blows up in our face?

Teresa Thomas: Yeah.

Corey Allan: [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: I mean it’s ridiculous. The stuff –

Corey Allan: So it’s — so it’s not –

Michael Smalley: … doesn’t have to be impossible.

Corey Allan: Right and it’s not about, you know, necessarily, it’s a step by step by step by step way we’re talking about but it is more about let’s take a concept and let’s unpack it here in the show and that way everybody has a real solid good takeaway from every single episode we do together.

Michael Smalley: There will never be an episode that is worthless.

[0:15:00]

Corey Allan: Exactly except –

Michael Smalley: Because — well, because we really do –

Corey Allan: Just what all of us we did when we had all the technical glitches that we blame Teresa for.

Michael Smalley: [Laughter]

Teresa Thomas: That’s right. [Laughter]

Michael Smalley: Except those shows that we have trashed.

Corey Allan: Yes, you’ll never hear those.

Michael Smalley: Well, because we’re — we’re passionate, we want your marriage better and we genuinely care about your marriage succeeding and so every episode is important to us that you’re getting one thing, not fifty things, one thing each episode that you can start doing that day whenever you listen to is.

Corey Allan: Right.

Michael Smalley: Is that fair?

Corey Allan: That’s –

Teresa Thomas: That’s fair, yes.

Corey Allan: That’s exactly what we’re talking about.

Michael Smalley: Are the two of you ready for this journey?

Corey Allan: I’m ready.

Teresa Thomas: I’m ready.

Michael Smalley: All right.

Teresa Thomas: That’s good.

Michael Smalley: I’m ready. So, this has been the first radio show of Simple Marriage Radio, a simple solution to making married life great.

Corey Allan: Exactly, love it.

[0:16:06] End of Audio

The post 3 hosts are better than 1…introducing Simple Marriage Radio appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

Relational strengths:
Accurate and precise
Quality control
Discerning
Analytical

Strengths out of balance:
Too critical or too strict
Too controlling
Too negative of new opportunities
Lose overview

Communication style:
Factual
Two-way
Great listener (tasks)

Weakness in communicating:
Desire for detail and precision can frustrate others

Relational needs:
Quality
Exact expectations

Relational balance:
Total support is not always possible
Thorough explanation isn’t everything

IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS HELP PLEASE CALL US AT 800-975-8748 TO HEAR HOW THE SMALLEY INTENSIVE PROGRAM CAN HELP YOU TODAY!

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

TRANSCRIPT

[0:00:00]

Announcer: Coming to you from the heart of Texas where he met his one and only true love. Proving that this guy really does know how to love well because there’s no way he won her over with his looks. Therefore, he must be the relationship genius of our generation. Get ready for the best advice you will ever hear on how to keep your relationships thriving. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Smalley Podcast with your host Michael Smalley.

Voice Prompt: So honey, what are you going to rant about today? Can we get a little preview?

Michael Smalley: Oh, you can get a little preview because today’s show I’m a little bit nervous about, I’m not going to lie and the reason I am nervous about it is it’s not just because it’s the fourth and the final installment but at least the fourth episode of the widely popular Personality Series but I’m most nervous because this particular personality style is the exact opposite of who I am. And many times because of who I am as a high off the chart Otter, this personality can at least it can feel like it. It can sometimes look at me like I’m the anti-Christ himself because we are talking today about the Beaver. That’s right, the Beaver. And I know if I get things wrong, all the little Beavers out there in the world are going to know because they care about accuracy and high off the chart Otters don’t tend to be very accurate. And if you’re listening to the show maybe perhaps for the first time and you’re going, “What on earth is this man talking about?” Beavers, Otters, or we can add Lions and Golden Retrievers too because by far the most popular area at SmalleyCenter.com is the Personality Inventory Test where we use the ever popular never changing personality system of the animals.

So, my dad, Dr. Gary Smalley and his partner in crime years ago, Dr. John Trent wrote a book called The Two Sides of Love and it — in there it described these four personality types where it kind of takes the old classic disc, DISC test or the old things where they used to call phlegmatic or melancholy, all these crazy names and they geniusly renamed all the different personality, the four — the four main personality types. They geniusly renamed them to represent animals that sort of made sense to that personality type. So we’ve already gone over the Lion which is a super strong, king of the jungle, leader, in-charge person. The Otter which is the hyper fun, excited, always busy goofing off has a hard taking life seriously. The Golden Retriever which is the quintessential, sweet, nice, kind, great listening person.

And now we’ve finally arrived to the Beaver and the Beaver is that organized person, the people that love accuracy, the precise people. The quality control…ugh, they love things done well and they take their time to make sure that it is done right. Beavers tend to be discerning, analytical so they can take information from multiple sources and pull it together and make sense of it. These are the designers, the builders, the mathematicians, the CPA’s. The scientists many times are Beavers. They are people who love to hone in and dig down deep and truly learn things and understand things. But what happens with the Beaver like we’ve gone with every personality type is that they can get out of balance. So remember, in your personality there’s always wonderful things but those same wonderful things if pushed out of balance can cause a lot of trouble. And so the very strengths of a Beaver being accurate and precise and quality control, if that gets out of balance, they can tend to start getting too critical.

[0:05:08]

They can be — they can be strict or they’re ooh, they can really come across as controlling. And what sad about Beavers is many times I don’t even think they mean they come across controlling, it’s just that their intensity or their seriousness or their drilling down can feel controlling to other personality styles. But they can also struggle in being too negative of new opportunities. So they can [Recorded Voice 0:05:40-0:05:42] “I can’t take it anymore.” They can just melt down. That’s the truth. Where things for them can feel quickly out of control, if they don’t understand what’s happening so they can — it can sort of lose the big picture because they get lost in the minute details. The communication style of a Beaver is is obviously it’s going to be factual. So for example, if you’re wanting to get a Beaver’s attention — so if you’re a married to a Beaver, then you don’t go at a Beaver with ideas. So, now if you’re coming at me as a high Otter, ugh, ideas get me pumped. So, I can go crazy on ideas, love ideas.

Beavers want the facts. They want to know that you’ve thought this through, you’ve thought about the positives and the negatives because if you just come all hyper or overly positive or too dreamy with the Beaver, you’re going to lose them because that — that doesn’t do it for a Beaver. They are two-way communicators much like the Golden Retriever. So they can be great listeners but the — they differ though from Golden Retrievers because Golden Retrievers are great listeners out of emotion and a desire to connect. A Beaver is a great listener out of gathering facts and being task-oriented which isn’t bad. So Beavers want to listen but sometimes they listen more out of facts or task-orientation than out of feeling which really almost leads in to their kind of weakness in communicating because their biggest weakness is the desire for detail because that desire for detail, again, can be a good thing but in communicating, that can become frustrating for especially an Otter spouse or a Lion spouse.

That’s where they get in to trouble because their need this — over share the details or expect the details can become quickly frustrating to those lions and to those Otters. Golden Retrievers can handle that because they kind of also like detail because they feel like they’re connecting and bonding but, boy, if you’re a high Beaver and you’re married to a high Otter, you just — you got to be careful because you can quickly become overwhelming for your Otter spouse. Now, if you’re married to a Beaver — if you’re married to a Beaver, their biggest relational needs because that’s really why we want to understand these personality styles, right, is I want to understand who my spouse is in order to better meet my spouse’s needs and the biggest needs of a Beaver quality in exact expectations.

So for your Beaver spouse, they want to know that we’re taking it serious and that we’re doing it to the best of our ability and that we’re doing it well but I would argue even bigger than that is a Beaver needs to know exactly what is expected of them because if they don’t know what’s expected, they’ll get all stressed out. Because they want to know — which is great, they want to know so they can meet them because expectations are being on them as well. Beavers tend to be the hardest on themselves. And so what we do if we’re married to a Beaver is that we’ll — we’d let them know, “This is what I’m hoping to get,” “This is what I — this is what I want to accomplish,” or “This is what I need,” but then it speaks volume when we go to them and ask, “Hey, what do you need?”

[0:10:02]

“What do you wanting to get out at today?” “What are you wanting to get out at this meeting?” When we can help define exactly what’s expected in our relationship, if they work for us, even if they are our boss, then we are going right to the very core of what gets them going in a positive direction. Now, balance for a Beaver is learning to understand that total support isn’t — it’s not always possible. And so those high expectations that you Beavers that have on yourself where you get in to trouble relationally is you put those high expectations on other as well. And that can be stressful. That can be hurtful because if you have this unrealistic expectation on yourself and others, oh, it can’t be met and when it’s not met, it’s going to lead you down to frustration, anger, bitterness.

And so you need to be careful and make sure that your expectations are healthy because again — I mean I’ve thought about this for years, expectations in and out of themselves are not necessarily bad unless we’re a bad expect — so those are good expectations. It’s like “I expect you to treat me like I’m valuable.” “I expect you to put my needs and make my needs valuable.” Those are okay. There’s nothing wrong with that but when you start going, “Why, I expect that you’re never going to hurt me,” uh oh, well, that’s not a good expectation because it’s not possible. It’s impossible. I am imperfect and so I’m going to hurt you. I don’t want to necessarily. I mean there might be times that I’m just being a jerk but there’s a lot of times where I’m not even trying to be offensive and I end up being offensive.

And that’s what I experience sometimes with Beavers. Because of their intensity, their seriousness, they’re — they are honing down, their detail-orientedness, if that’s a word, that’s where — that’s where they really get out of balance. And these expectations become overwhelming and you get in to trouble. And so what — when we look at the Beaver and oh, this is kind of an interesting thing here because there are people out there and I know some of you and again, you can take the test, just go to SmalleyCenter.com. You can do a search for Personality Test. If you come out as a high Beaver and a high a Lion — that’s my wife. So my wife is a high Beaver but also a high Lion, whoa, I just want to put a caution out there because a high Lion Beaver is the strongest force on earth because not only are you detail-oriented and analytical and — I mean you have all that but you then also equally have the big strong characteristics of a Lion and it sets you up to become a major bulldozer. Because you’re so intense it’s like, “I want it done right” is a Beaver but a Beaver Lion is “I want it done right and my way is the only way.” Whoa, that can get you in trouble.

And if you’re a high Lion and a high Beaver, then you know — I’m telling you right now I guarantee you that you have to learn how to add softness because if you don’t chill out and allow people to be different than you, you’re not going to have a lot of people around you. You’re going to stress a lot of people out. And you don’t want — well, what do we all want? We all want to be loved. And frankly, we want to love. But if we allow ourselves to get out of balance and you Beavers out there and especially if you have a lot of Lion in you, well, that’s kind of a recipe to be out of balance. So, you have to be aware of “How am I treating others? Do they feel respected? Do they feel valued? Do they feel independent or do they feel like they’re being controlled or bulldozed?” And you might want to — and you might even need to ask, right? You might need to be able to sit your child or sit your spouse or you know, go on a walk or take them out to a meal and say, “Hey, listen. I want to ask you how am I doing.”

[0:15:05]

“How are you feeling with me? And hey, don’t worry…” you might even have to — you might have to let them know that you’re not going to get in trouble and this is — this is legitimately, “I want to make sure that I’m treating you as best as I can and I know and I recognized that I could get out of balance from time to time.”  “And so how am I doing?” “How can I improve?” “What can I do better to love you?” Ugh, when you learn to ask those questions and that’s what’s great about Beavers though now I think about it is that when you — when the Beaver hears that this is something important for you to do, that’s — I understand that this is now something you’re going to take very seriously because you want to do it right. And so what I’m encouraging you is to do it right is to ask those questions, “How am I doing?” “How could I improve?” “What could I do be doing that would show you how much I love you?” And that’s what — those are the things you ask your spouse and your children, your parents. And it creates kind of the safety that if you’ve been out of balance, they haven’t been feeling and it helps quickly realign the relationship and bring balance back in to it.

And so that is the Beaver and this is officially the fourth show on the Personality Styles – the Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever and Beaver. So if you want, on the website, all you got to do is go and I even have a tag that’s — the Personality Series. So, just go to SmalleyCenter.com. You can look under the — you can look on the nav. You’ll see Radio with a plus sign. So just go to the Radio and you can click on any one of these episodes and then you’ll see a tag kind of like a keyword tag that says the Personality Series which means that you click on that link, it will pull up all four of these shows. But they are not done yet, my friends because — and if you haven’t discovered it yet, I launched a new website with a buddy of mine, a psychologist out of Dallas, Dr. Corey Allan and we launched TheSimpleMarriage.com and it is the kind of first of its kind online course for couples.

So if you’re wanting to take your marriage from good to great or from stress out to great, you’ll want to go to TheSimpleMarriage.com. And here’s what you’re going to get, I actually took the time to write out all the possible matches for couples, so of all the four personality types, I took the time to write custom matching profiles for any possible personality combination. So for example, if you’re a Beaver and you’re married to a Lion, I have written about that, about exactly what that means, the trouble, the good things about it, the growth areas specific to your personality styles. It’s the first time we’ve ever done that and you can only get it at TheSimpleMarriage.com but I’m going to do a few more shows on some of the most popular matching.

So we’ve done a lot of research over the years and there’s obviously kind of some general matches that happen in terms of who marries who in the personalities kingdom. And so I’m going to do some shows on that as well so that you can better learn exactly specifically what it means to be who you are and what that looks like when you’re married to one of the other personality styles. That’s going to be some fun shows too. You know, that — I’m telling you, it just helps when you can read or hear what your strengths are but also what your growth areas are and we’re going to do that only on the Smalley Marriage Podcast. Now, if you haven’t, you can leave a review for the show. If you like it, put a shout out there. If you actually go to SmalleyCenter.com, you’ll see an advertisement on the sidebar to where if you click to leave a review, you go to a special form and it takes you to iTunes but it also gets you a free gift which is my kind of latest comedy show titled The Comedy of Us which is my love story.

[0:20:22]

So that’s the free gift. If you go and leave a review on iTunes and you don’t have to leave a nice review. So if you hate it but are willing to at least leave a review, I’ll give you the gift anyways. So we’ve reached that time of the show where there is, you know, truly only one thing left to say [Recorded Voice 0:20:38 to 0:20:41] “I know. [Laughter] It’s time to say goodbye.” And what I’m going to do as always is leave you [Music] bring you the best [0:20:49] [Phonetic]. It’s 1440 “I Will Believe”.

[0:21:48] End of Audio

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post The personality series – #4 – The Beaver (Episode 54) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

Relational strengths:
Warm & Relational
Loyal
Enjoys Routine
Peace-Maker
Sensitive Feelings

Strengths out of balance:
Attract the hurting
Missed opportunities
Stays in a rut
Sacrifice own feelings for harmony
Easily hurt or holds a grudge

Communication style:
Indirect
Two-way
Great listener

Weakness in communicating:
Uses too many words or provides too many details

Relational needs:
Emotional security
Agreeable Environment

Relational balance:
Learn to say “NO” … establish emotional boundaries
Learn to confront when own feelings are hurt

IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS HELP PLEASE CALL US AT 800-975-8748 TO HEAR HOW THE SMALLEY INTENSIVE PROGRAM CAN HELP YOU TODAY!

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

Transcript:

[0:00:00]
Announcer:
Coming to you from the heart of Texas where he met his one and only true love. Proving that this guy really does know how to love well because there’s no way he won her over with his looks.

Therefore, he must be the relationship genius of our generation. Get ready for the best advice you will ever hear on how to keep your relationship thriving. Welcome to the Smalley podcast with your host Michael Smalley.

Michael: Have you ever made a mistake and you just really messed up and you feel bad? Well you really didn’t feel bad. You feel stupid. It’s one of those kind of mistakes where you just feel stupid. I do that a lot.

Because of my most recent mistake especially for this show, I kinda gotten nostalgic a little bit because you sort of started doing life and you start growing up and you think you’ve overcome stuff and then you do something stupid and you realize I haven’t gotten quite as far as I needed to.

Maybe I’m not as smart or more mature as maybe I thought I’d gotten now that I’m really in my 40’s.

Well it just made me sad this last mistake and honestly I got a little nostalgic and that got me digging around the old soundboard where I found a bunch of 80’s television show jingles and I got this one.

Tell me this doesn’t bring back good memories. Here it comes. I love this show. Curly blonde hair, Connie Sellecca, the greatest American hero. I needed a pick me up I’m not gonna lie. I definitely needed a pick me up because I was embarrassed because my very last personality episode…

It is so funny when you’re an ADHD guy like me, it is so funny how you mess stuff up quickly and you don’t even realize it until comments started pouring in from the website.

People were very nice, very kind. They didn’t necessarily hurt my feelings but it did embarrass me because as you know if you’ve been listening to the show, on episode 52 of the second show in the personality series, I titled it the social director and I went off on social director which of course was not the right name to go with.

Because on the first show of the personality series, I was sticking with the old lion, otter, golden retriever and beaver of the animal kingdom and it was supposed to be the animal kingdom for the entire series but no. I blew it. I’m not afraid to admit mistakes.

If you’ve listened to this show, it’s all about being authentic and genuine and honest and not worried about being perfect and the good news is I really don’t ever have to worry about not being perfect coz I’m so imperfect.

Before I get into the third show on this personality series, maybe I was doing that unconsciously for all of you the listeners. That’s the direction I wanna take this one in because honestly the fact that I messed up the title of the otter and changed it to the social director…

I don’t have to get into the long story. It’s the exact same test, exact same personality styles. This is the four. We have it in the animal kingdom like my dad and John Trent did.

But when we wrote the DNA of relationships and then when I wrote some really cool awesome powerful matching stuff for personalities, custom wrote by me for the simple marriage.com probably by far I think the most powerful thing for couples online ever, we use the new analogy which is the analogy of a cruise ship.

And so all of my new notes on personality stuff are with the new analogy of the cruise ship which is why I went on the second episode on the social director. I’d forgotten the first episode I had done with the animals.

[0:05:05]

Instead of re-recording and doing it with otter instead of social director, I‘m gonna leave it there because it’s the perfect example of a social director or otter.

Honestly, only an otter would make that kind of mistake and that’s who I am and you have to love me for it. Okay, just my wife and kids have to love me for it but that is so quintessential otter it’s almost obnoxious.

Enough of the former mistakes that I’m gonna even read a later from Pam. ‘I was hoping you’re gonna continue with the animal kingdom personalities. My husband I bought the Keys to Loving Relationship series years ago and loved the personality profiles of the animal kingdom. You started with the lion and now you stitched to the cruise ship? Where’s the otter?’

Hey girlfriend, I am the otter. That is exactly why I switched an ADHD does something. Roxanne ‘what happened to the author? Why’d you change the names?’

Roxanne because have problems. I’m an otter. We make major mistakes all the time so I couldn’t resist getting into that today because it really is funny. It’s so perfect on an otter.

Now, welcome to the third episode. For the personality series going back now with the animal kingdom analogy. As you’ve already learned in the animal kingdom, we have lions, otters or social directors and then we have stewards which I’m gonna focus on today and then navigators – I almost did it again. Here I am reading the notes. I should just change the headings.

And then we have beavers which in the new system are just called navigators. I don’t want you to get too confused especially when you go to the simplemarriage.com we use the new analogy.
But staying with the animals, today we’re going over the golden retriever and what makes golden retrievers the most lovable – I mean it’s our favorite dog right? Everybody…

Maybe we should call this the golden doodle. That is like god himself – obviously god did make animals but then we kinda mixed with them. I’m telling you those golden doodles are like heaven.
I want one so bad I wish they weren’t so sticking expensive because you have all the personality traits of a golden retriever without all the shedding analogy problems. It’s a match made in heaven. The lord himself is pleased with the golden doodle as dumb as that name sounds.

Today is the golden retriever’s day and why do we love golden retrievers? Because these are your warm, relational, loyal – these are the people that are the peace makers, the councilors, they’re the sensitive ones. They’re actually the ones who care about people for them – for the people and not their own necessarily selfish needs.

Otters love people. We like to play with people. The golden retriever love people. They are unbelievable listeners. These are the kind hearted soft spoken behind the scenes people that we have all come to love and adore. They are loyal many times to a fault but they are awesome. We love golden retrievers.

But what happens is when their strengths get out of balance, they attract hurting people and when they’re out of balance, because they’re such great listeners and they’re so sweet and kind and thoughtful, of course hurting people are gonna come to you.

That’s like a no brainer for a hurting person. Where you get into trouble as a high golden retriever, you get into trouble because you don’t have healthy boundaries with these hurting people. You gotta take them all on.

You listen to everybody and it becomes over whelming and you can start to shut down. It gets you in trouble because you can’t save the world. You can’t save everybody and one of the biggest things you have to understand is self care.

In that sense, it’s okay to take care of yourself as well because if you get wiped out, then you’re gonna be no good for your family, children, husband, wife coz you’re gonna be wiped out. This doesn’t work that way.

[0:10:09]

Where else you can get into trouble when your strings get out of balance is that because you love routine, you tend to be a routine oriented person, you can miss out on opportunities coz you get stuck in these ruts.

You just like it because you’ve always done it this way but then something legitimate comes by or more than likely, you’re married to a social director – seriously I have got to change the names because if I make that mistake one more item, I am going to do something drastic. I’m changing the titles right now.

So what happens is you might be married to an otter or a lion and they love change. But if you’re out of balance, then you’re gonna frustrate your otter lion spouse because you can’t be afraid of change.

Change is a good thing and it’s also good though that you’re consistent. That’s a good thing. You just can’t let it get into ruts and into missed opportunities. But I think where you really get into trouble are two ways.

You tend to sacrifice your own feelings for harmony and you easily feel hurt and hold grudges towards people. So again, when you’re out of balance, you wear your feelings on your sleeve.
Let’s go back to sacrificing your own feelings for harmony. Here’s what I mean. You hate conflict. What’s funny is I’m very high golden retriever – very high. I’m also an incredibly sensitive person.
I know when – this is avoidance folks. That’s exactly what this is. That’s where you get into trouble is that you so hate conflict that when your spouse…

Especially if you’re married to a lion, beaver or even worse, a lion-beaver, if someone’s really high on those two, they’re really intense, exactly opposite of who you are, if you’re married to one and they’ve hurt your feelings and they go ‘hey did I offend you’ or ‘hey are you okay’ and you say yes and you’re not, that’s where you really get into trouble coz you hate conflict and you avoid it at all cost a lot like otters.

You can be even worse. You get those four paws dug into the ground and you’re in trouble. Your communication style tends to be wonderful, very two way.

Again you’re a great listener but it can be indirect and what I mean by that is you’re so worried about hurting someone’s feelings or experiencing conflict yourself that you try to talk around stuff and you don’t really say the truth or say what you mean.

The next thing you know, you’re talking in circles, and you’re using way too many words and you’ve completely lost everybody because they’re either asleep, bored or totally frustrated.

Now your weakness is the too many words. So when you go on and on because again as a golden retriever you love to connect and you tend to connect through words, that’s great especially if you’re with another golden retriever.

But where it doesn’t work is when you’re with the otters, lions and the beavers. The otters, they don’t have the time to listen. The lions, they just want you to get to the point, what are we gonna do.
And then the beaver’s spouse – if you’re married to a beaver, they just wanna know the essence like give me the specifics, the detailed lists and let me move on. So if you’re going too far, going too long and using too many words, that’s where you get into trouble.

Now, your needs. If you’re married to a golden retriever and you’ll know it trust me coz they’re just so soft and sweet and passive, their biggest needs, there’s two. Probably the bigger of the two is emotional security.

[0:15:00]

Emotional security is gigantic to a golden retriever. They also want – the other need is an agreeable environment which is an agreeable environment means there’s harmony. It’s calm. It’s not out of control. It’s not too much conflict or too much craziness or too much spontaneity so they love an agreeable environment.

But they really want emotional security. They need to know you love them and they need to hear it. They need to hear you say it. You can’t assume with a golden retriever that they know.

You have to tell them I love you. You are valuable. I am here no matter what. You’re never getting rid of me. Those are the kinds of statements that increase that emotional security which opens them up by the way.

So if you’re married to a golden retriever and you want some more spunk maybe or more fun or more spontaneity, the more secure they feel, the more spontaneous they can be. The less secure they feel, the more rigid and dug-in their gonna be.

So your part with your golden retriever spouse is to provide that environment where you’re saying the things that are meaningful to them. That’s why I’m telling if you ever read Amy and I’s book A Surprising Way To A Stronger Marriage there’s an entire chapter in there called the trillion dollar question.

Learning how to ask that and I’ve done some episodes. You can just search on our site trillion dollar question. When you learn how to ask that with a golden retriever, watch out, it’s gonna get good. Because when they feel safe, they can feel other things too.

Relational balance for the golden retriever, obviously you need to learn how to set boundaries. The biggest way you do that is by learning a very dirty two letter word. At least it’s dirty to you.

It’s pretty easy to lions and beavers but for you as the retriever, learn to say no. You can’t take it all on and you’re not gonna destroy people with healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries tell people I love you, respect you and myself. That’s all it is.

Remember, you’re saying no so you can better say yes in the future. But if you always say yes, you’re gonna be wiped out and you’re gonna get jerky and cranky and tired and anxious. It just doesn’t work. So you gotta learn to set those emotional boundaries by saying no and then learn how to confront.

If you really want balance as a golden retriever, you gotta learn how to confront because confrontation leads to intimacy, not disconnection so stop thinking that.

Confrontation says I love you and care enough about you to say that hurt or that bothered me and I wanna resolve it because you’re important to me. That’s how you do it and that my friends is the golden retriever.

So basically about all I have left to say and as always I love leaving with my friend Renee and 1440.

[0:19:38]

End of Audio

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post The personality series – #3 – The Golden Retriever (Episode 53) appeared first on .

Relational Strengths:
Optimistic
Energetic
Motivators
Future oriented

Strengths out of balance:
Unrealistic or day-dreamer
Impatient or over bearing
Manipulator or pushy
Avoids details or lacks follow-through

Communication:
Can inspire others
Optimistic or enthusiastic
One-way

Weakness in communicating:
High energy can manipulate others

Relational needs:
Approval
Opportunity to verbalize
Visibility
Social recognition

Relational balance:
Be attentive to mate’s needs
There is such a thing as too much optimism

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

AUDIO TRANSCRIPT

Announcer:
Coming to you from the heart of Texas where he met his one and only true love. Proving that this guy really does know how to love well because there’s no way he won her over with his looks.

Therefore, he must be the relationship genius of our generation. Get ready for the best advice you will ever hear on how to keep your relationship thriving. Welcome to the Smalley podcast with your host Michael Smalley.

Michael:
Have you ever wondered if you’re married to the personality style I’m gonna talk about today? So this might be your spouse or maybe even your child. Have you ever wondered what’s wrong with them? Coz I get that.

This is me. I’m off the charts. I mean off the chart on this personality style. I not only hit all the highest scores you can possibly choose for each characteristic. I actually try to input higher numbers because that’s who I am.

I am the social director and you are listening to the second installment on the personality series of our personality test. And this is online. Its free – at least the one that you can download and print is free. Very soon we’re gonna have this available online to take online.

And I am almost done writing up the relationship dynamic assessments which basically means that you can take it as a husband or wife or even as a boyfriend, girlfriend or fiancé. You might be engaged.

You can take our test, not only find out who you are, strengths, out of balance, communication, weakness, relational needs, but you can also enter in and tell us what personality style your mate is in terms of the highest that they score on or your girlfriend boyfriend.

And then I’m writing up custom reports for every basic combination that you can have in a couple to explain exactly how your specific dynamic is. Pretty pumped about this. It’s coming out really good so far.

Its gonna be available at the simplemarriage.com and that’s where it’ll be available first and then at some point down the road here, we’ll also launch it just as its own thing. So that’s where you can find that.

But this is the second week of the personality series and I am on the social director. If you don’t remember, if you haven’t listened to the first one, we’re basically going off the four main types of personality styles that have been around since 400. The Greeks even talked about these thousands of years ago.

And there’s kinda four general descriptors. The DISC is a very popular task but I don’t ever understand those other names; melancholy, phlegmatic. So what we’ve done is rename the personality styles to different roles that would make a cruise ship, a cruising experience successful.

Because you need these four types of people on every cruise ship working the cruise so you can have a successful time, a well rounded time.

So the first week, we talked about the captain. It’s the first episode in the series and now we’re talking about the social director. Next will come the steward and then lastly the navigator.

So I think hopefully by hearing these titles, you’re beginning to understand. So obviously the social director is that person with the relational strengths of being optimistic, energetic. They’re immensely motivating, future oriented. These are your happy party people.

I wish I had a clip right now of this song that is in my head because we do and this is my highest one. I score actually high in the social director. Then the captain and then the steward.

It’s kind of an odd combination. I always tell people when they work for me, I’ll be the most fun, intense, loving boss you’ll ever have. That’s about right too.

[0:05:00]

But what makes a social director so good is how fun, how optimistic – we always stay positive. We’re future oriented which really means our heads are in the clouds all the time.

Which is probably why we don’t tend to get down on the negative things happening in the present because we’re not even here in the present. We’re daydreaming. It’ll get better.

We are so positive and so fun. We wake up in the morning and think what do I get to do that’s fun today? Whereas other personality styles, they don’t. They’re gonna think of work or tax or how to love people. We think about fun.

What happens when we get out of balance is we become seriously unrealistic so we kinda become a daydreamer which is different than daydreaming.

Daydreaming is fine from time to time but when you become a daydreamer that’s when you’ve entered into that realm of unrealistic. You’re not looking at life how it should be viewed and usually I’m gonna be honest here. We’re unrealistic in a positive manner in the sense that we tend to go into denial because we don’t wanna experience negative emotions.

So when I was at Wheaton College getting my master’s degree in clinical psych, that was one of the biggest areas my supervisor [0:0618] [Inaudible] she was amazing. She pushed me to deal with my inability to suffer.

It might sound weird but the reality is bad things happen in life and I’m going to be sad. It’s inevitability. I can’t stop it. People are gonna sin against me. I’m gonna sin. Things are gonna get messed up. It’s a part of life.
What’s truly powerful – I want you to pay attention if you’re a social director. I never truly knew what joy and happiness was until I was willing to feel sadness or unhappiness.

Because if you don’t ever know sadness or not unhealthy depression but there’s times where you should be depressed. Bad things have happened to you. There’s a period that’s completely acceptable.

And if you never allow yourself to go there then you don’t really appreciate what true joy is. You kinda have a water down version of joy and happiness.

We can become impatient or overbearing because we have so many ideas, so many things, so much energy that can turn into being overbearing.

We can manipulate – I actually had to confront my 16 year old the other day on this very issue when I asked him hey did you drink my tea – I have this very special tea. It sounds like some of you are probably going ‘tea really? You confronted your son over tea?’ yes I did. I happen to really love this tea.

So I confronted him not yelling at him, said hey dude did you drink my tea coz it was almost all gone. And he looked at me and he goes ‘well’ and he started to say things that were half truths, manipulative to kinda get out of being in trouble or the negative thing going on coz he and I are twins separated by the fact I’m also his father.

So we become manipulative because we have our energy. We have a lot of thoughts. We can talk fast. We can move fast. We can act fast and we can use those things to manipulate or become pushy.

So if you’re married to one of us or you have one of us as your kid, you know that when we get truly out of balance, we avoid details and lack follow through.

So this is not our strength. I’m telling you when the Smarthones, the Palm pilot was kinda the first thing that came out, won’t even a phone. That saved my life.

Do you know how many appointments I missed as a councilor because I forget? I don’t write it down or I write it down in my little day planner. Remember those Franklin day planers? I bet they wish they invented the Palm pilot or the iPhone?

But I could even write it down but then it’s a manual thing that I gotta to keep with me and I don’t coz it’s so bulky and I forget stuff because as a high social director, details or follow through is difficult for me.

So when the Smartphone came out, the iPhone especially coz now I have my phone and my day planner and my to-do list organizer. I have everything out there and it beeps.

When I set alarms as a high social director, if you don’t have a smart phone yet, you better. Coz it saved my life in terms of business and how I do things; helped me be more professional.

[0:10:03]

Because when I set an alarm to beep 45 minutes, I do that because once I enter it, it’s out of my mind. So when that beeps, I go what’s beeping? Yeah. I have an appointment in 45 minutes. I better get going.

Sometimes I do them at the time of the event or 10 minutes early legitimately whatever time I think I need to assume that I’ve completely forgotten about it so whenever I’m at that point, I’ma have to get to wherever I need to be. And that’s what happens when we get out of balance. But we can adjust and cope better.

Our communication, we tend to inspire because of our optimism, because of our enthusiasm. We’re great at that. Getting you excited and putting you in the right direction and maybe it’s not the right direction and we probably won’t end up there with you because we got distracted halfway through because of the squirrel.

But we inspire and our communication much like the captain tends to be one way. Remember though the captain is one way because they have their own ideas, thoughts, opinions that they’re developing so they don’t make very good listeners.

Well, social directors are one way because I’m distracted. You’re either using way too many words or you’re bumming me out and I’ve tuned you out and that’s why we’re one way. It’s not that we’re necessarily thinking of a way to get back or a rebuttal. That’d be way too sophisticated for a true social director.

So that leads to our weakness in communicating points back to that problem with manipulating because we use our high energy to manipulate others and we get in trouble coz people know it. You feel it. It doesn’t work. We need to be better. We need to be more honest. Our biggest needs…

I’ll tell you the biggest dog of them all is a need for approval. If you wanna motivate me or motivate your high social director spouse or child, friend or an employee that works for you, do not come out as a negative way. That only demotivates us.
If you come out as an approving loving positive manner, we’re like a dog. Our tail starts wagging and we start jumping and we go and we’re out of here. We love approval. We love knowing that people love us. Giving us opportunities to verbalize, to talk, share about our days is huge.

Socially recognizing us in the sense of bragging about us is huge. It doesn’t embarrass us. We might say ‘oh stop it’ but we mean our hand is going no, no keep going. Keep it coming.

And then ultimately relational balance – and this was probably the biggest thing I had to learn as a social director spouse husband is I had to learn how to be attentive to Amy’s needs; to my wife’s needs.

Because I have so many ideas, because I have so much energy, because I’m always going on a million different directions, I can become easily self centered so I cannot think about or frankly forget about Amy’s needs.

So I’m off running round and then the next thing you know it’s like ‘hello?’ we used to do this all the time in grad school. We were both in grad school at the same time. I’d come home. She’d come home. I’d see her, I’d get excited as me as a social director. I wanna talk. I use about a billion words.

Sometimes I get so excited and I have so much stuff going on, it feels legitimately I’m Forrest Gump. I just go and go. So I have to learn how to be attentive to Amy’s needs. That’s number one. I have to make her a priority.

Let me give you a little trick by the way. To do this, use as a trigger every time that you wanna share about your stuff because you’re excited about it. It’s good to be exited but use that as a trigger to go wait, hold one. I really wanna tell her something but I’m first gonna ask how her day was.

If you’re a female social director I’m gonna first ask him how his day was. And then I’ll share mine. This is one simple thing you can do.

[0:15:00]

And then the other big thing on balance relationally is there truly is such a thing as too much optimism kinda what I talked about earlier. Bad things happen.

I had to learn to sit people with my wife, with my children, with my friends. I had to learn how sit with them in their sadness when things stink.

When my buddy got fired. He didn’t wanna be fired. That hurt and I just listened. I allowed him to be sad and I didn’t try to tell him don’t worry. For every door closed, god opens up a window however that statement goes. It’s okay.

Look, if he’s be still down and out and not working and not getting out of bed and nine months later, yeah that’s a problem. I need to tell him toughen up. It’s time. Gotta get another job but here at the beginning.

I remember my friend sharing with me ‘you’re the only person that’s just allowed me to be hurt, allowed me to be sad.’ He actually said that. And remember when you allow yourself to experience the negative emotions, the positive ones that you love so much are gonna be even more significant and that in a nutshell is the social director.

They are fun, inspiring, they need to be careful about manipulation and if you wanna love them well, give them approval. If you’re one of them like I am, just learn how to better serve your mate and just allow yourself to sit in the negative side of the emotions and not always stay in the positive.

Now this leads me basically to one last thing here. It’s time to say goodbye. Before I do, don’t forget folks, if you’re stressed out and your marriage is hurting, we have the Smalley centers. We’re in Indianapolis, Dallas, Houston, Shreveport, Branson, Missouri. We’re growing. We’re all over the place.

And the Smalley intensive program is huge. Its 85% successful on helping couples in crisis stay together. I’m looking at our website right now. We survey all the couples after an intensive. 96% of them would recommend it to a friend.

How cool is that? It truly helps. So just go to smalleycenter.com and find the Smalley intensive. I’m gonna leave you with my friend Rene Bester and his incredible band 1440.

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post The personality series – #2 – The Social Director (Episode 52) appeared first on .

Relational Strengths:
Takes charge. 
Problem solver.
 Competitive. 
Enjoys change.
 Confrontational.

Strengths Out of Balance:
Too direct or impatient.
 Too busy. 
Cold blooded.
 Impulsive or takes big risks. 
Insensitive to others.

Communication Style:
Direct or blunt. 
One-way. 
Weakness: Not as good a listener.

Relational Needs:
Personal attention & recognition for what they do.
 Areas where he or she can be in charge.
 Opportunity to solve problems.
 Freedom to change. 
Challenging activities.

Relational Balance:
Add softness.
 Become a great listener.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

(transcript of the show)

Announcer:

Coming to you from the heart of Texas where he met his one and only true love. Proving that this guy really does know how to love well because there’s no way he won her over with his looks.

Therefore, he must be the relationship genius of our generation. Get ready for the best advice you will ever hear on how to keep your relationship thriving. Welcome to the Smalley podcast with your host Michael Smalley.

Michael:
Do you have any idea what the most popular page is on smalleycenter.com? Do you have any idea at all? You probably shouldn’t because if you did have some kind of idea, that might mean you have hacked into my back end system and you are stealing things from me and shame on you for doing it.

But for those of you listening who are not corrupt evil hackers, the most by far – we’re talking the most popular page on my site, is the page that has the personality inventory or test that you can download and take by far.

Everybody wants to come to our website in order to better understand themselves, better understand their spouse or their children and so they go to the personality page. They download the PDF and they take the test. So I think it is high time that I give you a series of shows focusing just on your personality style.

Now, if you haven’t been to the site, just go to smalleycenter.com. Go. You’ll see it right on the homepage. There’s a direct link to the personality test. You can download the thing for free and then you can just fill it out. It’s very easy. It takes maybe 5 or 10 minutes to take.

But what I wanna do is I wanna focus on some of the key ingredients to personality styles, how you interact with each other, what that means, why you even wanna know what personality style your spouse has.

I wanna do all of this in a series of shows just on personality styles and how they affect your marriage, dating, parenting and you can even take our personality test, the world famous lion, otter, golden retriever and beaver.

You can take that for free and be able to follow along as I unpack each of the major characteristic traits like the lion, the otter, the golden retriever or the beaver.

I’m gonna dedicate this show to each one of those but then I’m also gonna give some follow up stuff on marriage and even on parenting. That is what’s coming on.

So again, go to smalleycenter.com. If you have not taken the personality test it’s based off a disc. The DISC test. We just give it a better more creative twist in terms of the different descriptors or the words we use. So we obviously went with animals.

My father, Dr. Gary Smalley and his old longtime partner John Trent wrote the book Two Sides of Love and that’s where these animal names came from.

I’m telling you it’s as fun. It makes it easier to understand coz who in the world knows what phlegmatic is or melancholy. I don’t know what it means. I’m a professional and I don’t know what that stuff means.

So go to smalleycenter.com take the test, find out where you are and then you’ll wanna keep tuning in so that you learn on each episode what the relational strengths are to that personality style.

What you look like out of balance? What your communication style is? What your relational needs are? And then more importantly what relational balance will look like? You’ll be able to apply this into any relationship you have.
So you’re gonna wanna pay close attention to these next few series of shows because its gonna be big on understanding who you are and why you do what you do and then understanding the people around you.

So smalleycenter.com you’ll see the link on the homepage. Take the personality test and then you just download it. Spend 5 to 10 minutes and you’re off.

Today, what I’m gonna focus on is actually the first one. What we’ve called that is the lion. So this is the lion personality style and just imagine the lion as your quintessential king of the jungle.

[0:05:00]

This is the personality style that loves to be in charge. They’re the boss. And if they’re not the boss, they think they’re the boss if you know what I mean. Lions are strong, king queen of the animal kingdom and of the personality world.
Because the relational strengths for a lion, they love to take charge. They’re big time problem solvers. Lions tend to be competitive so they take wining seriously. Lions enjoy change and then lastly under their relational strengths, they’re confrontational.

Don’t get lost on confrontational as a bad thing. Remember and if you’ve listened to any former episodes or read any of our articles, confrontation is a good thing when you do it in a healthy way. So it is great to have lions in the world that are willing to confront either relational issues or even world issues.

Where would be if no one ever wanted to confront issues or problems? It would be a major negative thing for the world if we didn’t have little lions running around.

By the way if you’re wondering what your kids are – and your kids, you can actually help them. You can read out the words but I promise you, if you know your kids well enough which most of you will, you’ll be able to start when you take the test and as you go through the series of shows, you’ll start to understand ‘I have a little lion.’

By the way another word for a lion child might be what you call strong willed. Many strong willed children are simply young lions who are out of balance. That’s all it is.

Where a lot of parents make mistakes is they try to beat or punish that lion characteristic or personality style right out of their kids. I wanna be really clear on this.

I have a little lion kid. My only daughter who happens to be my middle child is a high lion. I’m telling you lion kids are my favorite. I love little lion kids coz they’re so strong and they’re so passionate.

But where parents often goof up with them is they misunderstand their strength or that strong will as either insensitive or bullying or whatever when actually lions tend to be incredibly sensitive especially as children. Very sensitive and we misinterpret how intense or tough they are coz they still have feelings.

So you don’t want to punish a child for being a lion coz that’s how god created them. What you do is you help them achieve balance which we’ll talk about that here in a second. So you have the good picture.

They’re the CEO’s, the people in charge or at least they think they are. Strong willed children tend to be lions but what happens is when their strength goes out of balance, they tend to be too direct or impatient.

They tend to get overly busy because they wanna conquer the world and they can lose sight and have too many irons in the fire. When they get really out of balance, they can become cold blooded.

Because where they start to forget when they get out – when their strengths like take charge, problem solver, competitive. When that gets out of balance, problem solver becomes impatient or a horrible listener. Competitive becomes obnoxious.
I’m gonna win whether it destroys you or not. Take charge becomes controlling. They can often find themselves being impulsive and taking these big risks because they enjoy change so much.

And then when they really get in trouble at least relationally is when they just flat out – they can be insensitive. They can be insensitive to others. They don’t realize it because they tend to be thicker skinned and because of their thicker skin, they assume that everybody can handle that and it’s just not the case. You get in trouble.

Their communication style tends to be direct or blunt. You’re not messing around when you’re a lion. You’re gonna get right to the point. That tends to be one way.

Often times lions, if you’re a lion or you’re married to a lion, I want you to listen to this coz this is hugely important. One way communication – and as this means that you do struggle with listening.

[0:10:00]

The reason you tend to be one way is because you already have a thought or an opinion that you really wanna share. You think yours is better and so you do it. It tends to be a lot of lecture style communication which is obviously not a good thing.

So if you’re in a relationship with a lion, then you need to understand that they’re not – what’s so good about understanding personality styles is once you start understanding who other people are especially in the animal kingdom here…

Then it gives you a better understanding that maybe they’re not trying to be rude or mean because I wouldn’t do it that way. Well you don’t do it that way coz maybe you’re a golden retriever who by the way lions tend to marry a majority of the time.

I’ve done research on this and seminars over a thousands of people and couples. Almost 80% of the time, a lion is married to a golden retriever. You wanna know why? Because the lion finally found someone that would do what they say.
Coz that’ll be a couple episodes from now but when you learn about the golden retriever, you’ll fully understand it. Those are incredibly sensitive loving, calm, second tier people behind the scenes people.

Of course lions are gonna be attractive to that. Because they do. They’ve found someone that’s willing to actually not worry about it and not engage and fighting them to get their own will done but they don’t necessarily mind all the time being told what to do.

That’s a big turn on for lions. That is. There’s nothing bad about that. It only becomes a problem when the lion gets out of balance. Now, communication.

So if you’re married to one, just understand they might not be intending to come across too intense or rude. It might just be who they are and the fact that you’re very different than them.

If you’re a lion and you’re listening to this show, you’ve got to start learning ways to keep your mouth shut because if your gonna be in a successful relationship with your spouse or your children or your friends, then you’re gonna have to learn how to listen.

Listening is a skill. You can listen to the love talk series of podcasts that I did of shows. You can learn how to be a better listener. It might not be natural to you but you can learn.

Your relational needs, the lion’s typical relational need like the things that matter most to them generally speaking – this is a good start of knowing how to meet the needs if you’re married to or have a little lion in your life.
They love personal attention and recognition for what they do. Lions are doers. They accomplish things. And to be recognized for that is incredibly meaningful.

Areas where he or she can be in charge, obviously if you’re married to a lion or have a little lion kid living with you, it’s important that the lion is given areas and things and tasks that they’re the boss of coz they’re naturally gifted at being a boss so let them be a boss.

I will never forget with my daughter Reagan, when she was around three of four, she was very verbal. She was talking at 15 months of age and she’s so tiny and petite that people would see this little baby waddling around and she’d look up and go ‘hi how are you?’ And they’d practically fall over. Was shocked.

But I will never forget the time when Reagan kinda started getting this thing that if I interrupted her to have to take her and little brother and older brother out to the store or something, she’d have a meltdown which is fairly typical for a strong little kid.

Until the day that I realized – I wondered if this would work. Instead of going up to her and she was watching her favorite cartoon and I knew I needed to go grocery shopping with the kids, I knew it was gonna be a major battle. She’d freak out coz she would want to be staying home and watching her favorite cartoon.

So what I did instead of telling her turn of the TV, get in the car we’re leaving which would have equaled major fight, instead I took just a few more minutes even seconds and I sat down.

I just went ‘I don’t know what to do’ and my little lion daughter perked up and go ‘daddy what’s going on?’ Immediately her attention shifted from the cartoon to me because they love to solve problems.

[0:15:00]

I just looked at my daughter and remember about four or five years old I think. I looked around and said ‘Reagan I don’t know what to do. Somehow I let us run out of milk and we don’t have any more milk. What do you think we should do?’
She looked right over and she goes ‘daddy how can you have let that happen?’ I’ll never forget that. I thought hey, first of all I’m kinda in the middle of trying to trick you but I’ll keep going with this.

It was so precious. ‘Daddy how did you let that happen?’ I was like I don’t know. I got distracted. You know me. She goes ‘dad get David, let’s get him in his car seat. I’ll go get Cole and let’s go to the grocery store and buy more milk.’
I promise you that happened. Instead of forcing her to do what I wanted, I asked her to help me solve a problem which engaged her in her natural strength and allowed me to have less conflict and actually have a kid excited to go to solve a problem.

So give them opportunities to be in charge, to solve problems. You’re gonna have to give that lion, spouse or kid or friend freedom to change. Its okay they like to change. Obviously can they be out of control? No. That’s not smart.
You can’t just change on a whim every day and have 57,000 things you’re going through – no, I get that. There’s a limit but figure out win-win ways where they can have a freedom to change it up.

Funny, my daughter just literally yesterday asked for my help to change up her room coz she wanted to mix it up. Am I gonna necessarily go up there and allow her to repaint tomorrow? Not necessarily. But I helped her move the bed around. I helped her move various furniture around.

Now, if you’re a lion, relational balance is gonna look like adding softness and becoming like I’ve mentioned already multiple times a better listener. In fact, become a great listener.

But on the softness, remember you’re a lion. You’re intense. You’re strong. You’re a leader. But you’re probably not the best listener. You’re probably not the best touchy-feely person.

And so when I say add softness, what I’m saying is learn how to hug. Learn how to tell the people you love ‘I love you.’ Learn to reach out and say ‘hey what could I do to love you today? What can I do to serve you today?’
Becoming a better listener is gonna increase your softness because you can’t be prickly or too intense all the time or your relationships are gonna be stressed out.

Add softness. Learn how to hug. Learn how to touch appropriately. Little soft touches. Little meaningful words and being able to listen better will help you achieve greater balance which will help you achieve a better relationship.
I found a clip because again we’re talking about relational balance. Another area where lions can get out of control is you can become a little bit narcissistic which is out of balance selfishness and that’s a risk.

The otter by the way which is gonna be the next show struggles with the same thing. We can sometimes feel like – well, listen to this clip.

Speaker (Ron Burgundy from Anchorman):
I’m very important. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I’m friends with Merlin Olsen too. He comes over on occasion.

Michael:
Now, that, if you don’t know is the legendary broadcaster from Anchorman, Ron Burgundy. But I picked that clip because that’s kinda the last thing in your relational balance is you can feel too puffed up.

You can’t think that all these things you’ve acquired or these things that you do make you important and that’s not what makes you important. If you’ve ever listened to any of my shows, you know the most important thing you can do in life is be a great lover. Be a great father. Be a great mother.

Love people well. That is truly great. Acquiring wealth or doing isn’t the ticket to greatness. It’s how you love others. Which brings us to the end of the show and that special time.

Speaker (Goldmember from the movie Goldmember):
Now, it’s time to say goodbye.

Michael:
I’m gonna leave you with 1440’s my buddy out of South Africa, father of light.

The post The personality series – #1 – The Lion appeared first on .

And it’s our 50th show! Who knew!

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

This article is from GOOD Lifestyle (http://www.good.is/index.php?url=post/parenting-makes-you-happy-if-you-re-a-dad/):

One study of 909 working moms in Texas found that day-to-day, they “enjoy parenting less than watching TV, shopping, or preparing food.” Other studies have “linked parenthood to lower marital satisfaction on average” and a “higher prevalence of depression.” Studies have shown that parents register “decreases in life satisfaction in the months after childbirth.” In 2009, the Journal of Happiness Studies published a paper announcing that the effect of children on life satisfaction is actually “positive, large and increasing in the number of children”—before retracting the results due to a coding error. In fact, the research showed, the effect of parenting on satisfaction “is small, often negative, and never statistically significant.” Parental happiness researcher Nattavudh Powdthavee says he launched his own study of the matter “to explore why, in spite of the research, he does want to be a parent.” (His research found no happiness benefit for having kids).

And further on down the article:

Really, the researchers found that “parenthood was associated with greater satisfaction and happiness only among fathers”—mothers aren’t happier than childless women.
Happiness isn’t everything. The researchers did find one consistent psychological benefit for parents across age, gender, and marital status—all parents reported “a stronger sense of meaning in life” than did people without kids.

If you really want to be happy, with or without children:

1. Keep your eyes upward
2. Check your expectations
3. Understand the true benefit of trials
4. Surrender

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! CALL US AT 800-975-8748.

My dad’s best parenting series! It’s a classic and still right on in raising healthy, loving kids
CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

This is Amy and me giving 5 keys to better kids!
CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post Does Parenting Make You Happier or More Miserable? (Episode 50) appeared first on .

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post The sacred date night an interview with Jay and Laura Laffoon (Episode 49) appeared first on .

• Spice it up by being emotionally safe.
• Be willing to grow in your life, you will grow sexually.
• If you don’t get what you want, don’t react immaturely, be responsible and respond with integrity.
• The biggest turn-ons, integrity, wisdom, character
• Marriage is the best way to grow, period

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! SMALLEYCENTER.COM OR CALL US AT 800-975-8748.

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post Better sex advice with the #1 marriage blogger Dr. Corey Allan (Episode 48) appeared first on .

1. Loving God and receiving love from God
2. Loving others and receiving love from others
3. Eating well
4. Mild exercise

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! SMALLEYCENTER.COM OR CALL US AT 800-975-8748.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

• The Alameda Study – correlation between lifestyle and health – relationships and health – those with the closest social ties lived the longest!
• If we have love, we are less likely to have disease, illness, depression…simply put, everything works better when we love better.
• The key is to work out your relationship and love well instead of self-soothing through eating.

Better choices equal better life.

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post 4 keys to a healthy life – Food and Love Part 2 (Episode 47) appeared first on .

But no more, my friends, no more. Today you are going to learn how love can actually stop you from unhealthy eating habits, how do I know this? Well, I’m not talking at you today, I’m talking to myself, and it’s not just me either, I’ve got my dad with me today, and he’s written the book on the matter, and filmed the DVD, and we are giving stuff away that can really change you, it really can!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! CALL US AT 800-975-8748 THAT’S 800-975-8748.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets us know you’re listening (and other’s too).

• The Alameda Study – correlation between lifestyle and health – relationships and health – those with the closest social ties lived the longest!
• 4 Simple verses: Matthew 5:3, Mark 12:29,30, Mark 11:20, Matthew 5:10,11
• You are probably not married to pure evil, are you? Listen and find out.
• Honor your mate, seek forgiveness, and place high value on each other.
• If we have love, we are less likely to have disease, illness, depression…simply put, everything works better when we love better.
• The key is to work out your relationship and love well instead of self-soothing through eating.

Better choices equal better life.

What’s on tap for the next show…part 2 is on Dean Ornish’s 4 things he says are the key to health.

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post Love is the key to weight loss – Food and Love Part 1 (Episode 46) appeared first on .

1. Why he started the ministry
2. How this can impact your own family through discipleship (making it easier for you)
3. What parents typically do to really mess up helping their kids get excited about Jesus

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SMALLEY CENTER – 8 OUT OF 10 COUPLES ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPILY MARRIED…EVEN WHEN THEY THOUGHT THERE WASN’T A CHANCE FOR THEIR MARRIAGE! FIND OUT HOW AT HERE OR CALL US AT 800.975.8748.

If you like the show, please feel free to LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES – (IT HELPS PEOPLE FIND US)

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post Get your teenager excited about Jesus – an interview with the founder of Death 2 Life (Episode 45) appeared first on .

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! CALL US AT 800-975-8748.

And by the way, if you haven’t left a review yet in iTunes, don’t be shy, it’s easy to do and it really lets me know you’re listening (and other’s too).

I'm on the bottom left. Amy middle right.

My story of falling in love with Amy, her falling and being in love with another guy, them getting engaged, me being miserable for 2-years, God bringing us together through His plan, and how I was simple enough to follow Him and ignore mine!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SMALLEY CENTER – 8 OUT OF 10 COUPLES ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPILY MARRIED…EVEN WHEN THEY THOUGHT THERE WASN’T A CHANCE FOR THEIR MARRIAGE!

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post If your plan isn’t working maybe you should do something different (Episode 44) appeared first on .

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! CALL US AT 800-975-8748.

“Love grows. Lust wastes by Enjoyment, and the Reason is, that one springs from a Union of Souls, and the other from a Union of Sense.”
William Penn

A question from one of our listeners, “Dr. Smalley, Please share with me how the Lord gave you victory over lustful thoughts, especially sexual thoughts. In Jesus’ name.”

1 Peter 2:11 NLT “Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls.”

TED Talks – Philip Zimbardo: The demise of guys (http://www.ted.com/talks/zimchallenge.html)

The difference between Porn addiction and all other addictions!

1. The difference between our conscience mind and our heart
2. What’s in our heart, flows
Galatians 5:13-14
“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
3. Change our heart through excited new thoughts, which overshadow the old ones

Gary’s favorite verse to memorize and meditate on!
John 15:9-14
“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SMALLEY CENTER – 8 OUT OF 10 COUPLES ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPILY MARRIED…EVEN WHEN THEY THOUGHT THERE WASN’T A CHANCE FOR THEIR MARRIAGE! FIND OUT HOW AT HERE OR CALL US AT 800.975.8748.

LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES – (IT REALLY HELPS PEOPLE FIND THE SHOW)

FEATURED RESOURCE

BUY NOW

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post How to get victory over lustful thoughts (Episode 43) appeared first on .

LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES - (IT REALLY HELPS PEOPLE FIND THE SHOW)

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! SMALLEY CENTER OR CALL US AT 800-975-8748 THAT’S 800-975-8748.

7 Ways to Defuse a Difficult Encounter

Having learned the hard way, Vancouver physician (and PT blogger) Susan Biali offers concrete steps for dealing with unreasonable person.
(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life)

1. Minimize time with problem people.
 [I always say “short and simple”]
2. Give up the dream that they will one day be the person you wish them to be. There are people in our lives who have moments when they seem to be the parent/partner/spouse/friend/whatever we’ve always wanted. Yet they end up disappointing or hurting us. Accepting the person as is can be a remarkable relief.
3. Avoid topics that get you into trouble. Before any interaction with a difficult person, mentally review the topics that invite attack and make an effort to avoid them. If your in-laws always demean your choice of career, change the topic immediately if they ask how your work is going.
4. Don’t try to get them to see your point of view. Don’t try to explain yourself or get them to empathize with you.They won’t. And you’ll just feel worse for trying.

The problem with difficult people, for me, is that they don’t want to change. Please pay attention to #1!

I was speaking to a group of youth pastors….when out on a date with your spouse, how do you tell someone who’s called you and has an emergency that you can’t come and help them? Don’t answer the phone!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SMALLEY CENTER – 8 OUT OF 10 COUPLES ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPILY MARRIED…EVEN WHEN THEY THOUGHT THERE WASN’T A CHANCE FOR THEIR MARRIAGE! FIND OUT HOW HERE OR CALL US AT 800.975.8748 THAT’S 800.975.8748.

FEATURED RESOURCE FROM THE SHOW

Buy Now

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post 4 ways to deal with difficult people (Episode 42) appeared first on .

In today’s show you will….

• To divorce or not to divorce….that is the question on today’s show where you will learn
• What a new form of couples therapy is all about called “Discernment Counseling” started by Bill Doherty, from the University of Minnesota.
• And the signs of whether you should call it quits or if you should hang in there!

LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES - (IT REALLY HELPS PEOPLE FIND THE SHOW)

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP! SMALLEYCENTER.COM OR CALL US AT 800-975-8748 THAT’S 800-975-8748.

CLIP FROM RICKY BOBBY

Why that clip? Because the first priority of today’s show is to make sure that everyone listening fully understands how stupid divorce is. Now don’t feel ashamed if you’ve already been divorced, but you actually know what I’m talking about!

Discernment Counseling is…

1. Makes a couple decide what they are doing in counseling
2. Puts them on a track right from the beginning

This is what I do in intensives, so I like it, but the research is still out.

So when should you call it quits?

Physical or emotional abuse. (listen to the show on what defines emotional abuse)

When should you hang in there?

• Poor communication or conflict resolution
• That’s it! There’s not a million other reasons!

HIGHLIGHTED RESOURCES ON THE SHOW

The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage – click here

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post To divorce or not to divorce…that is the question (Episode 41) appeared first on .

• Understand what Jesus taught about compassion and what that matters to your relationship.
• Finally understand why Jesus probably didn’t really care about slapping so much, as he did about your attitude toward the people who irritate you the most!
• The easiest way to win an argument

LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES - (IT REALLY HELPS PEOPLE FIND THE SHOW)

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMALLEY CENTER – 96% OF OUR FORMER COUPLES WOULD RECOMMEND OUR PROGRAM TO YOU IF YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDED HELP!

Mark Opperman, a pastor, once said this “We must be more concerned with showing the generous love of God than with receiving proper treatment from others.”

Teaches about Revenge (this is really about compassion)
Matthew 5:38-42 NLT 38 “You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’39 But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.40 If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too.41 If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile,t carry it two miles. 42 Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.

Point #1 – Be who you want others to be! Show it, and stop expecting it.

Point #2 – If they don’t respond, get over it. They eventually will unless you somehow managed to marry pure evil.

Point #3 – The easiest way to win an argument, think about what you are wanting, and then give that to them.

Purchase Today – click here
A how-to book for men that seeks to clarify distinctions between the sexes with a view toward building a stronger marital relationship with this understanding.

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post How to win 100% of your arguments 30% of the time! What Jesus said about compassion (Episode 40) appeared first on .

RESOURCE HIGHLIGHT

Click here to purchase today.

ARTIST HIGHLIGHT

FOURTEEN40 – Lucky Number 13 – Click here to view on iTunes

The post How you can earn back trust in a relationship (Episode 39) appeared first on .

The post What can I do if my spouse will not change? (Episode 38) appeared first on .

LEAVE A REVIEW ON ITUNES - (IT REALLY HELPS PEOPLE FIND THE SHOW)

The post What can you do if someone refuses to change? (Episode 37) appeared first on .

The post How should you respond when someone attacks you emotionally? (Episode 36) appeared first on .

click on image to enlarge it

The post Putting fear in the hearts of the boys who date your daughters (Episode 35) appeared first on .